what I want goes against who I am - By Mariyam Shirolkar

Written By: Mariyam Shirolkar

Category: Poetry

Competition: Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026

In the Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026 by Hashtag Kalakar, Mariyam Shirolkar presents a thought-provoking poem titled "what I want goes against who I am." This piece delves into the complex interplay between our innermost desires and the essence of our identity, capturing the tension that arises when aspirations conflict with self-perception.

About the Work

Mariyam's poem vividly explores the theme of internal conflict, using rich imagery and compelling metaphors. The work conveys a sense of longing intertwined with existential questioning, creating a poignant narrative that challenges readers to reflect on their own desires and identity. The poem's emotional depth invites introspection and offers a unique perspective on the human experience.

what I want goes against who I am

Original Submission by Mariyam Shirolkar

what I want goes against who I am

What do you do when what you desire is something that will eventually kill you?

I promised myself I wouldn’t indulge in that,

But now I want to

And if I do,

I betray me.

Life isn’t as amazing as optimists make it out to be.

Life isn’t as horrible as pessimists make it out to be.

But what do you do when what you want goes against you?

HELLO. HELLO! HELLO?

I want it, want it really bad

Hell, I might even need it

But it will pulverize my insides;

Haunting me sempiternally.

So I say to myself: NO. NO! NO?

My feelings resemble:

The green tree after it was made into paper

The dinosaur before it was wiped out of existence by a meteorite

The atmosphere after humanity plundered holes into its ozone layers and,

The coffee bean before it was grounded amorphously.

My mind’s fumbling feeling funnily finnicky,

It makes me scream.

I hate everything when I try to love something

I love everything when I try to hate something

Now somebody PLEASE tell me!

How do I untangle myself from this unwanted but wanted reckoning?

I have decided to switch souls

I actually can.

I am not even joking?

The one who’s reading this -

If you think I am playing with you

Actually the joke’s on you,

Because if I wanted to,

I surely could and would!

I surely could and would…

HAHAHA.

However,

I am in an eagle’s body:

CAW! CAW! CAW!

Trying to see my conscious being from the outside

Although miserably failing,

Failing to focus my razor sharp eyes.

I am:

A constellation

A revelation

A creation of imagination.

But what do you do when what you want breaks the laws of who you are?

I don’t feel myself physically,

(I mean I do, but for this poem’s sake -

Let’s just consider: I don’t.)

YES. YES! YES?

I am not just a mere body,

The zeal my soul transfers to my pulse

The vibrational buzz of numb in my veins

Slipping earnestly…

I often times:

Get out of my body

To be a witness

A judge, an observer-

When I do get out;

(I’m found guilty)

My subconscious and conscious tag along,

What a pair of inseparable lovely besties!

We all then look at me externally,

(All of us worrying, concerned and questioning me)

That’s how I feel disoriented, disorderly

And apparently can travel into an eagle’s body…

Cause every time they come out to see me,

My body quivers in forbidden fantasies.

So this is what it means to want what you can’t have

Because then your soul throws temper tantrums!

Gets angry and threatens to leave

Leaving you muddled in a superfluous state of hollow humanity,

A ‘willful’ self-service to thee,

THEE?

THEE!

THEE.

About the Competition

The Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026 by Hashtag Kalakar is a platform for writers to showcase their creativity and literary talent. Celebrating diverse voices and innovative storytelling, the competition invites participants to explore themes that resonate deeply with readers, fostering a vibrant community of artists and writers.

We extend our heartfelt thanks to Mariyam Shirolkar for her evocative contribution, "what I want goes against who I am," to the Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026. Her work enriches the tapestry of voices that make this event a celebration of literary artistry.

About Hashtag Kalakar

Hashtag Kalakar is a creative platform dedicated to providing artists, writers, singers and other creative talents with opportunities to showcase their work and reach wider audiences through competitions, features and creative initiatives.