By Disha Daryani
Dishika and Rahul's whirlwind romance began on a Saturday night, around 8 pm, when Dishika, having recently returned from a creative residency in Jaipur to Mumbai, was eager to dive back into the world of dating. Her previous match, a handsome Spaniard named Paul, had unceremoniously unmatched her, leaving her dejected. Frustration and the desire for a fresh start prompted her to make a bold decision: she would go out with the first interesting person she matched with that evening.
Fate seemed to be on her side as she matched with Rahul Verma, an earthy and beautiful man, on a dating app. Their initial conversation sparked a connection, and Dishika was intrigued by his soothing presence. Eager to meet someone that night, she took the initiative and asked Rahul about his plans. Their exchange revealed that Rahul had recently moved from Punjab to Mumbai for work in the jewelry business.
They decided to meet at a local cafe with an open-air backyard, a place Dishika often frequented with her friends. The decision to meet felt organic and exciting. Dishika and Rahul's first encounter was magical; their connection was instant, and Rahul's flatmate's presence, although unexpected, did little to diminish the spark between them.
Their ride home after a delightful evening was both pleasant and comforting, and despite the flatmate's presence, Dishika and Rahul found themselves drawn to each other. As the weeks passed, their connection grew stronger, and Dishika's heart was captivated by Rahul's soft, gentle demeanor. They spent hours talking every day, even meeting midweek for more memorable dates. It was a stark departure from Dishika's typical dating experiences, and she felt herself falling for Rahul's charm.
As their bond deepened, Dishika couldn't help but feel an irresistible pull towards Rahul. She sensed a profound connection and trust in him, even though he hadn't explicitly expressed his feelings yet. After a memorable night spent at Rahul's place, Dishika felt as if she were floating on clouds. They danced, shared their deepest emotions, and, for the first time, she initiated the intimacy she longed for.
However, the weeks that followed were tumultuous. Dishika's disorganized attachment style sensed the slightest shifts in Rahul's behavior, and anxiety began to consume her. Rahul opened up about a toxic relationship he had endured in the past, leaving Dishika determined to be different and to treasure him. Their conversations dwindled, and Rahul's affection seemed to wane. Dishika felt disrespected and unheard, and her anxiety grew.
She made the difficult decision to seek therapy to navigate the complex emotions that were overwhelming her. She couldn't understand why she felt such a strong, unrelenting pull and experienced such intense pain from what had been a relatively short-lived relationship. Her world began to unravel as she grappled with her attachment patterns and the emotions they brought to the surface.
A month later, Dishika reached out to Rahul for a crucial conversation, and they video-called. Rahul explained that he wanted to take things slow, uncertain of his future plans between Mumbai and Punjab. He also confessed his struggle with gambling, which had contributed to his emotional distance.
The call left Dishika with mixed emotions. She felt a sense of relief, thinking that their differing views on vices and the desire to take things slow meant that Rahul didn't want to be with her. However, her mind and heart remained conflicted.
Two days later, Rahul initiated contact, sharing more about his gambling struggles but responding with short and unusual messages. It wasn't long before he stopped responding altogether, even though he was active on social media. Dishika's heart shattered, and she made the painful decision not to pursue Rahul any further. The separation was a crushing blow, and she felt as if her world was crumbling.
Little did Dishika know that this separation was merely the beginning of a transformative journey. She believed that her heartache was solely due to her separation from Rahul, but in reality, it was a trigger that opened the floodgates to a well of suppressed trauma and pain she had carried from her childhood.
As the days turned into weeks and the separation continued, Dishika was forced to confront the demons of her past. The pain and trauma she had buried deep within herself could no longer be ignored. This separation acted as a catalyst for her journey of self-discovery, which began with excruciating pain and a phenomenon she would come to understand as the "Dark Night of the Soul."
The Dark Night of the Soul is a concept in spiritual awakenings, a phase where one feels as if their entire world is falling apart. It's a period of intense inner turmoil, when it seems like the darkest depths of one's soul are being exposed. Dishika felt like she was dying, reaching the lowest point in her life.
On another front, the world was faced with a deadly pandemic and fear of the unknown grappled the planet. The city where Dishika came from faced a complete lockdown. With no room to escape, Dishika faced social isolation which made her physically sick from the anxiety that ate away her soul. She felt she had no one to turn to, her friends couldn’t understand and she was unable to share this situation with her family as she didn’t know how to express her emotions in this period. She would alternate her days between journaling in the morning to writing gratitude notes at night in the hope that the darkness she faced would disappear. An overgrowing reliance on social media only added to the problems as Dishika felt compelled to review Rahul’s profile and seek his whereabouts; it had grown into an obsession. To combat this obsession, she even set a time for fifteen minutes at night where she would allow herself access to social media and setting these strict routines with herself would help her maintain some balance. The triggers felt impossible to control.
During this painful period, Dishika embarked on a profound journey of self-discovery. It was a journey she had been avoiding for so long, as she had been too busy seeking external validation and happiness in relationships.
The journey was anything but easy. It required Dishika to face her deepest fears, to relive painful memories, and to navigate through the darkest corners of her soul.Every relationship in her life seemed to be flashing before her eyes before she slept at night and all the friendships that lacked reciprocity or had disappeared filled her days with pain and regret. She noticed the cyclical nature of her relationships and the patterns that had played out in different dynamics throughout her life. It was a process of unearthing the buried emotions and addressing the unresolved trauma that had been silently shaping her life for years.
Dishika's journey of self-discovery and healing led her to a profound realization: the need to reparent herself. This inner journey was necessitated by the fact that everything she had learned from her schooling and family could not provide the answers to her problems or lead her to inner peace. The anxiety, restlessness and infinite time in social isolation with the lack of a professional job forced her to educate herself through life coaches on youtube, reading books and watching podcasts about the various issues associated with loss, betrayal, trauma, jealousy and heartbreak.The roots of her trauma could be traced back to a disorganized attachment style she had developed from her family dynamics, particularly from her emotionally unavailable father.
Her family, by all outward appearances, was not a source of hardship. In fact, they had built a safe and financially abundant cocoon for her. However, beneath this facade, there were complex generational patterns and unresolved relationship issues that had silently affected Dishika's upbringing. From a sense of over protection to social isolation, a sense of loneliness always creeped though the happy facade.
Her mother's early relationship patterns and the dynamics of her parents' own relationship during her formative years had a profound impact on Dishika. These patterns had made her quiet and forced her to learn life's lessons quickly, even though her parents had never intended for her to be burdened with such responsibilities at a young age. They doted on her but their own individual upbringing, lack of understanding about the foundation of marriage and pressures of building a family and financial security often led to a state of chaos.
Reparenting herself involved relearning and reevaluating the patterns she had internalized throughout her life. It meant addressing the emotional wounds, healing the disorganized attachment style she had developed, and understanding how her upbringing had influenced her views on relationships and self-worth. It was a process of breaking free from the limitations imposed by past experiences and creating a new, healthier relationship with herself.
This was not a linear path and a struggle that lasted for over three years with a very snail paced development. It involved several ‘tower’ moments that felt like her negative thought patterns were stabbing her with daggers in her soul. They were the climax points of her thoughts that would imagine the worst case scenarios. She developed several health issues in this period from allergies to repeated episodes of Bronchitis. While none were life threatening, Dishika couldn’t fathom how her life had taken such a drastic turn.
This journey made her realize the importance of balance between the masculine and feminine energies that exist within each of us. She came to recognize that an imbalance in these energies could wreak havoc on the mind and soul, contributing to her inner turmoil and struggles.
As Dishika delved deeper into her self-discovery journey, she began to embrace the nurturing and caring aspects of the feminine energy within herself. She learned to soothe her inner child and provide the love and support she had longed for. She learnt through her self education process about the mother wounds she had developed from her childhood where her inner child couldn’t feel safe and protected as her mother’s emotions were all over the place and often fluctuated at random from giving immense love and protection to extreme anger. Dishika learnt that finding safety with the primary caregiver is the first step towards building a safe relationship with oneself and hence with another.
She also developed an understanding of the masculine energy within herself, which had been suppressed and overshadowed for so long. This newfound balance between the two energies helped her find equilibrium and inner peace, enabling her to navigate life's challenges with a newfound resilience. She understood where to plug in which energy in her life and was able to use her masculine energy towards rebuilding her career.
The Dark Night of the Soul, as daunting as it may have seemed, was a necessary step toward self-acceptance and self-love. It was an awakening, an opportunity to shed the layers of past pain and emerge stronger.It was a testament to the human spirit's capacity for healing,growth, and self-discovery.
Dishika's journey of reparenting herself was a testament to her strength and determination. It required her to challenge long-held beliefs. Through this process, she discovered that healing and self-discovery were not about erasing the past but about understanding it, forgiving herself, and nurturing the wounded parts of her soul.
As Dishika continued to navigate the complexities of her inner world, she found that her story was not just about her—it was about all of us. It reminded us that, in the midst of life's trials and tribulations, we, too, yearn to reparent ourselves, to rebuild our identities from the debris of insecurities, and to forge an unbreakable bond with self-love.
In the quiet of these pages, within the echoes of Dishika’s experiences, one can find the whispers of our own struggles and the resonance of our own quests for self-discovery. For each of us, in our own ways, is a Dishika—an explorer of our own shadows, a pilgrim towards self-love, and a torchbearer of hope for the future.
By Disha Daryani
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