Workout Routine to Lose Weight Fast

By Margaret Melva Oldroyd

 Warm-Up (10 min) 

• Jumping Jacks – 2 min 

• Arm Circles – 1 min 

• High Knees – 1 min 

At this point you should remember how fun moving your body was when you were young!  • Bodyweight Squats—unless you want to add weight for an extra burn. – 1 min • Lunges – 1 min 

• Dynamic Stretches – you’re not sure what this means, so take this time to sit in  butterfly pose and realize that if you hadn’t stared in the mirror so long you wouldn’t  have to work out like this in the first place. – 4 min 

 Strength Training (30 min) 

Lower Body 

• Squats – 3 sets x 12 reps 

• Lunges – 3 sets x 10 reps (each leg) 

• Romanian Deadlifts – 3 sets x 10 reps 

• Calf Raises – 3 sets x 15 reps 

If you only end up doing 2 sets, that’s okay! Just know that everyone else can do 3 and it’s your fault you hate your body because you’re not willing to put in extra work. But don’t  worry! Meet yourself where you’re at!  

Upper Body 

• Push-ups—you can’t even do one push up so at this point you can just lay on the  ground, filled with self-loathing for one song. Reflect on this moment the next time  you hate your arms in a picture. – 3 sets x 12 reps 

• Shoulder Press—you never actually made it to the gym, because everyone would  know just by the ill-fitting workout clothes that your mom got for you back in high  school you don’t belong. They’d judge your stomach rolls and throw you pitting looks  as you wheeze your way through the work out. So just stay home. You can replace  this step by skipping a meal. – 3 sets x 10 reps

• Bent-over Rows. Skip another meal for this one. – 3 sets x 12 reps 

• Plank—Stop lying to yourself. Just lay on the ground again here. Crying is acceptable  at this point. – 3 rounds of 45 seconds 

 Cardio & Conditioning (15 min) 

• Jogging or Cycling – 15 min 

OR AND (if you’re ever going to lose that weight, you don’t have the privilege of  picking and choosing. In fact, you should jog and cycle and do the HITT, but you  won’t, you’ve never had much discipline.) 

• HIIT: 30 sec sprint / 30 sec walk (repeat 7-8 10-12 times) 

 Cool Down (5 min) 

• Walk – 2 min 

• Stretching – 3 min 

• Meditation - Think back to your workout. See how refreshed you are? See how much  energy you have? You’re seeing stars, not because you haven’t eaten, but because  you’re getting stronger! Take this moment to reflect on what you’ve done that got you  to this point. Think again how bad an idea quitting dance was. Think about how  you’ll probably never lose the weight you put on after that. And we know you’ve  tried. Think about how badly you want a hamburger, but then think about how you’d  look in a swimsuit. Hamburger doesn’t sound so good now, huh? Think about how  staring at the water in the bottom of a ceramic bowl might be easier than this, at  least you’d be able to eat something, sometimes. Think about how if you had more  resolve you’d never have to work out, because you’d be eating less calories. Think  about your mom, who always ate salad first, and never wanted seconds, and  couldn’t possibly eat dessert, and lived off no breakfast and a cucumber for lunch  and a lightly dressed salad for dinner. Think about your dad who bought you that  dress you wanted but when it was a size too small told you it was your “fast Sunday  dress.” Think about the fat on your face that makes a second chin when you look  down and even sometimes when you look straight ahead. There’s no exercise you’ve  found to get rid of that so just reconcile yourself to the fact that even if you did  achieve your flat stomach and your thigh gap and your ballerina arms, your face  would still be ugly. Realize that you won’t exercise again because it makes you  confront these thoughts that normally sit in the back of your mind, crossed legged and controlled. Until you start sweating and then they show their claws and their  teeth rip at the little confidence you’ve carefully culminated. Just stop eating, that 

must be easier than this. Think about how even if you did manage to change  everything about yourself, you’d still hate your very being. Go to therapy you sick bitch. Namaste. -2 mins 

*For best results complete this workout 3-4 times a week.  

**And stop eating.

By Margaret Melva Oldroyd