Where Is Your God?

By Ruth Singh

The beeping tune of the ventilator surrounded the room as I walked into the ICU only to realise I was in the wrong ICU. Seeing all the unconscious patients fighting for Life terrified the hell out of me.

I told myself, "Papa is not unconscious now. He is conscious, he cannot be here"

I came out of the room and tried to locate the right room through the fog building up on my face shield. I thought to myself, "this PPE kit is a pain, why did God ever put us in this situation" I quickly pushed my thought aside.

I entered the Medical HDU a while later to see my father resting. I came closer and smiled. As I spoke he recognised my voice instantly

He couldn't speak but he seemed happy.

Everytime I asked him if he was alright he would simply nod yes.

I knew he wasn't.

That was the last time I saw him, next when I saw him he wasn't breathing but he was peaceful, like he was sleeping.

I remember he wanted to eat kheer

And nihari.

He wanted to ask me about my internship.

I remember the last time we met, when he was as awake as he could be he saw me.... clearly he saw me and smiled and reached out to touch my chin..I could almost hear him say

"my angel my butterfly"

I said bye and came out of the HDU as much as I didn't want to.

Came home and sat on my bed and cried. He was still my papa but how did he become so weak?

Shadows my fears, doubts and anxiety formed a circle around me with a smile that went from cheek to cheek. They looked right at me, they had been for a while but this time I looked directly at them.

My bones cracks and my muscles twisted I couldn't stand I fell

They came in close touched my hands and whispered

"Where is your God?"

4 days later, the day I dreaded all my life, woken up by my sister's ringtone all three of us woke up straight, it's happened

"I'm sorry, your father is no more"

I didn't want to cry but I made a sound I didn't know I could...

I sobbed...

Quickly wore my sweats and a t-shirt and thought I'm going to attend a funeral today, the realisation that it'll be my father's hit later and harder.

As we entered the HDU where I met him 4 days ago, the curtains were drawn as if to say a tragedy has occurred, it couldn't be my papa right?

I went inside the curtain covered area expecting to sob uncontrollably

Instead when I saw him I fell silent, he was peaceful..

It felt like he was sleeping

I touched his legs and knees, his hands and forearms and then the thing I most dreaded...his chest. The shock hit me like a rollercoaster,he's not breathing....I couldn't feel a heartbeat. I couldn't hear the beeps of the ventilator....the fog built up again on my specs and my face shield...

He was gone

"Where is your God?" They whispered again.

"Where is your God?"

4 months have passed, I look at the plates he bought, four for the four of us...I take out three

And see the fourth one alone up there, my heart drops. Sometimes as basic as plates remind me of him, how can people just text me how are you?

This pain, this wound isn't going to heal... it'll hurt the same just like it hurt on the day he left...we just learn how to live with it.

"Where is your God?"

It keeps circling back to the voices

"Where is your God?"

My God was with me every step of the way. My God was protecting me and my family, including my papa. My God was going before me to prepare a place and way for me. Even though it felt as though he had left me, my God never left me.

My God came down to take my papa to his home. He was never of this world.

My papa rests in God's lap free from the pain of this decaying world.

My God is comforting me.

My God is handling my grief

My God is handling my anger

My God is handling my pain

My God is holding me close.

My God is my father, when though he called my earthly father home

My God is with me

Even though I miss Papa's smile and crave to hold his hands.

He is alright so I'll be alright

By Ruth Singh