When Will You Love Me?

By Nitya Samdariya

I like my own company 

that’s the only time I’m carefree,

but sometimes it awakens a part of me,

a thought quite ugly,

it always leaves me feeling wretched, broken.

“am I really that hard to love?”

“what can I do to be more delightful?”

“is there really no part of me that’s enough?”

“am I a sight sore to the eyes?”

a tiring thing to look at,

not exactly ordinary but more underwhelming.

does my presence have absolutely no impact?

I have tried and tried and TRIED

to be perfect, to be better, to be adequate,

but my efforts have always been in vain

at this moment, I can only be compared to a broken slate

a million words written and erased

it is so overused, I cannot even

recognise when the slate was brand new,

my surface is rather deceiving,

I desperately needed someone to remind me:

that I did not have to try to be perfect

constantly doing everything I can

that I was not made incorrect 

it was okay to be flawed

but I never got that reassurance,

“what can I do to be prettier, skinnier?”

I was made of paint, an insignificant mural,

rotten and chipped in the last half decade,

the thought of showing my scars 

made me excruciatingly afraid,

I kept trying and pretending to be fine,

I was petrified to ever display 

the paints that had made me 

“who am i in this world today?”

i felt an overwhelming sense of betrayal,

i had unforgivingly let my actual self go,

a disappointment to my 2 year old self,

“who was I one decade ago?”

I can never go back to girl I used to be

or to the girl I desire to be,

I am just stuck in this limbo,

unable to simply exist, to even eat,

lost, with no idea where my place is,

is this all worth the love I crave

but also the love i never got,

is me despising myself and 

is me reflecting over everything I’m not

worth this unquenchable thirst for acceptance?

“when will you love me?”

I yearn to be approved by you

“when will I be appreciated finally?”

By Nitya Samdariya