WHAT IF?

By Ammaarah Habib

It is said, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” I myself believed this saying, choosing to remain in the dark, oblivious to unpleasant situations, ignoring the important business of life, and remaining in my own personal bubble. It was December 29th when I realised my foolishness. I realised and suffered pain and despair, the consequence of my actions and I do not think I can ever put my emotions of that day in words, but I shall endeavor to try my best.

I was living at that particular time with my grandparents. I was on my Christmas vacation preparing like the rest of the world for the New Year! My grandparents were not very enthusiastic about the big day and I was alone with them since my sister was with my parents. So besides my grandparents and two younger girls from my neighbourhood, I was pretty much alone and longed for some company. My cousin who was supposed to come could not due to some last-minute emergency. I did not let any of these drawbacks deter me and spend long hours of the day decorating the house or reading a book. Books perhaps had saved me from dying of monotony. I did not have much contact with my parents and sister except for a call or two.

The day was extremely cold and I remember wearing my maroon sweater in which my mother had stitched my initials. It was 4:45 p.m. in the evening and I decided to go out for a walk promising my grandparents to return not a second later than 7 pm. I liked evening walks which help me think and clear my mind. I had been positive all these days but as I walked further I started feeling gloomy. I could not help the tears that came to my eyes on thinking about my parents. I could not believe I’d be alone. Yes, my grandparents were with me but I still would not stay up late till 2 o’ clock with my sister and exchange gifts. My dad would not ask me about my new year's resolution. I would not get the delicious cake that my mother had been making for years on New Year’s Day.

I had not realised that I had reached the pond. I sat on a bench and did not make any effort to stop my tears. When my sadness turned into anger, I don’t know. But one minute I was weeping and missing my parents and the next minute I was crying with rage and resentment.

Suddenly an inflow of negative thoughts came to my mind. I started feeling neglected and unwanted. Why else would they send me here all alone? I wondered. And they couldn’t come due to some mysterious reason unknown to me. Weren’t they supposed to have arrived on 15th December? Four days after my arrival? They did not even answer any of the questions properly and had completely forgotten about me. They didn’t even call to wish me Christmas. Not even Bertha!

I would not wish them a New Year nor speak to them. Yes, I decided. If they didn’t care about me, I’d learn to live with it. Why should I care? A message arrived on my cell and I let out a small gasp. It was 7:15 already. I quickly stood up and made a beeline for my house. A frown appeared on my face on reading Kiara's message. She was one of my classmates in school. Her message read, “Are you ok?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” was my reply and I noticed she was offline so I sped up. I was thinking of all the possible explanations to give my grandparents for being late. I was on the threshold by 7:40 and was thinking to myself it’s only forty minutes anyway when I heard voices

It was my grandfather’s voice. He was never soft. His voice could be heard from the garden. Something tightened in my chest.

There was a nagging feeling saying “wrong,” “wrong,” “wrong.”

“What are we going to tell Alicia?” I recognised my grandmother’s worried voice.

“They should never have hidden it from her in the first place. She deserved to know and is big enough to decide for herself.” My grandfather’s replied with his usual loud voice.

I think I should have announced my arrival but something about the conversation stalled me and kept me rooted at the door.

Something about Kiara’s message irked me. I was hesitating whether to wait a minute or two or announce my presence, when my grandmother said in a broken voice, “Nina was sick. Alicia would have been devastated. How are we going to tell her about her mother’s death?”

I don’t distinctly remember what exactly happened after that. A small voice left me and my grandfather turned towards me. Grandmother’s face leached of colour and I would have marvelled at the softness on my grandfather’s face had I paid attention.

I did not cry. I just stared. I did not even see anything. Everything went blank and there was deafening silence and I became unaware of everything around me. I remember not being able to breathe and falling to my knees. I think at some point I just blanked out.

When I woke up, my grandfather was sitting on an armchair near my bed. He looked me in my eyes and then he explained how my mother was suffering from a disease for the last six months and her health completely broke down on Christmas day and at 5 p.m. on that very day, she closed her eyes forever. I could not say anything. I could not ask for anything. For the first time, I knew what being speechless meant.

Suddenly as if in a flashback, I started seeing everything I had not noticed before. I now remembered my mother’s pale face and her continuous absence.

I could not believe everyone had hidden it from me. I did not have the energy to be angry but I felt my heart would break. I was left alone for some time when I saw my grandmother enter my room. She sat next to me and tried to explain why it had to be this way and everyone just wanted to protect me. Her words made me more upset and I told her that I wanted to sleep. She brought me some hot milk and left me to rest.

In the silent room, I quietly wrapped my arms around myself and the maroon sweater made me cry harder. I wept silently and all I could think of was that I didn’t get to see my mother one last time. All that was left to me was ‘what if’? I think it is in my nature- the anger, because as the night became darker and the stars shined brighter in the dark sky, amidst the sound of crickets and rustling leaves I felt red hot anger at everyone in this world. I felt as if something had been taken from me. I cursed god and my family. I could not control my sobs and when my eyes were heavy with sleep and grief I climbed into my bed and pulled the blankets closer. As I lay there with my face on my pillow I just wished I had known about my mother. So I could have used these last few months in a better way. Gotten more chances to spend time with her and tell her how much I loved her. I just wanted one last warm hug from my mother but now it was too late.

I don’t think I can ever forgive my family or myself for the time stolen from me. What good had not knowing done for me? What good had “protecting me" done? All it did was bring the rage in me and the feeling of the world slipping under my feet.

Now years have passed but it still hurts me to look at the maroon sweater at the back of my cupboard which I take out once in a while to hold and cry.

By Ammaarah Habib