"Vaishnavi"

By Dr Deeksha Chandra

Chapter 1 : First steps in

The tender fingers clenched on to the wrinkled pleats of her saree, " Are they going to beat you, maa? " And he trembled in fear, yet he held the feats of a warrior in the body of a mere five year old. Perhaps,he drew his undaunted courage from the woman in the wrinkled saree. Her skin had creases marked by days of experience and service, her scars bled of hardships but her poise and glare were still intimidating as ever. She held him closer in her embrace of steel." Not a chance, I will beat them back just as much", she said,

her face held a surreal beam while her eyes had fire enough to consume the double of a universe.

It was the summer of 1907. The Swadeshi movement had begun garnering pace, slowly making its way through the roots to emerge blazing on the top. The differences among the Congress members seemed to deepen with every passing day. Cutting arguments, divergent views were a telltale sign of something, something radical, something undefined but certain was going to happen. It was the air of change that blew all over. And Vaishnavi's aura drove that very air to be stronger than ever.

It was her first day at the Calcutta Medical College. Vaishnavi Rai, tall and lean, wheatish and minimally decorated,dressed herself in crisp cotton sarees that would complement her personality. Her hair tied in a neat bun, not a strand haywire. She was indeed breathtakingly beautiful,without a tinge of anything

unnatural, could turn eyeballs wherever she went.

As she walked through the corridor, she made sure she wore her coat of pretence. Even while she was overly nervous and scared about being in a medical college which was a bold move on her part, she hid all the self doubt pretty well.

She had people stare at her, some in awe of her beauty while the rest were just eyeballs batting in curiosity.

Being a female in a college which was so male driven that the males outnumbered by almost a triple would be hard, and she was well aware of that. Quit studying and getting married off early might have been the easier choice, more so because that is exactly what her Baba intended she would do but she wasn't moulded for it.

"May I come in Sir? " , she said as she knocked on the door of the Principal's

office. There was thrill and confidence in her voice.

"Yes, please. Miss?" ,the Principal looked at her as though trying hard to recall a face he had never seen before.

"Vaishnavi. Miss Vaishnavi Rai. I am the new admission to the First year Mbbs batch." She spoke her name out loud like she was insanely proud of it or maybe proud of what she knew she'd become one day.

It was a storm of laathis, the iron barricades tried holding back the unflinching crowd. But they were unshakeable. The uproar was here to stay.

And there she stood in the front, leading. "I am Dr Vaishnavi Rai, I was born an Indian and I'd rather die than live a slave." As the indefatigable defender she stood, injured yet not broken. A part of her voice was still

as soft, holding on to the essence of young innocence. It had just grown louder in nerve and more vehement in opinion over the years.

"Take your seat Miss Rai. You are a tad bit late for today but since it's your first day you are excused." Dr Bhattacharya was among the almost negligible people who were open about having females in a medical college. A middle aged, charismatic man brimming with utmost passion for his job. He was the senior professor of Anatomy and also the department head. Even after ages of teaching, his eyes would still shine when he introduced the subject, such was his admiration towards it.

"Thank you, sir."

"For next time Miss Rai, remember that you

won't even be a part of the line in the making of a doctor if punctuality and discipline aren't your only rules. Good luck."

She nodded and quietly took her seat. And then she casually looked around only to notice a class of about a hundred students who were all men in her first passing glance, majority of whom did not exactly seem pleased to have her around. Or perhaps that's what she assumed in the first go.

She grew a little conscious of herself thinking if she was being commodified or judged, considering the glances being exchanged around. But she broke out of it in a jiffy and shook herself back to pay attention. She sure had her nervous, self doubting parts but those were never

something that her poised competent self could not mitigate.

Breathing a sigh, she looked below at the desk for a second. She bit her lip in anxiety and whispered to herself,"This is just far from easy."

Chapter 2: Dissection

Vaishnavi was gradually getting acquainted to the college, it's ways and affairs. But she would mostly keep to herself, either reading or doing her journal.

The red,antiquated journal. She guarded it at all times as though it was a reflection of her own self, almost symbolic of the fact that she wasn't ready as yet to let her walls down. Her thoughts were all for the pages to know for the pages couldn't read, talk or evesdrop.

There were four or five females in the immediate senior batch but she avoided interaction atleast until the ragging period was over. Initiating a conversation only to fall right into the ragging trap would be a very lousy naive move, she thought. So she was all that she got to depend on.

"You need a little help with those papers? They seem to be in a mess." A rather grave looking, dusky boy who looked way too younger than his age stood beside her.

She noticed his shoes first. Vaishnavi had a thing for shoes. She would make an initial assessment of the person she was meeting based on his shoes. Doing all the math in her head she always knew it was the most bizarre thing to do, but she would do it any way and by default. He had these well polished, shining, properly laced up formal shoes which weren't something that would

throw an unfavorable impression.

She slowly looked above and met his eyes, still trying to figure out if that was genuine concern or was he just another male chauvinist trying to pull some trick at her.

"Ahh, I am not sure,umm. But alright. Thank you", she stammered as though the verbal punctuations were just born out of her scepticism.

"So why would you want to be a doctor?

Blood doesn't scare you ?",he chuckled.

She stared at him in perplexity because either he was friendly in a way that was out of line or she was too anti-social a being so as to jump to judgements.

"I am Satyam by the way. It's nice to meet you." He almost read the lines of doubt on my forehead perhaps.

"I am Vaishnavi. It's nice to meet you too," she said, still hesitant about this sudden conversation.

" I actually wanted to believe you were not like every other boy here who generalize extensively to a level that all girls have to be scared of blood, like there's some invisible board that we carry that's only for your ego to read," she ranted so quick without pause that sarcasm itself could fall shy for a second.

"Wow, that was a blow. But I honestly didn't mean it like that." He laughed it off because he clearly didn't see that coming.

"You have a good sense of humor", said Satyam with a sheepish smile.

"And sarcasm too."

She was panting heavily. Profuse sweat rolling down her skin mixed with blood that was oozing out of her wounds. Her

skin was all shades of red, blue and black. What a canvas of strength in pain was painted. She firmly gripped the iron bars to stand straight up again." That's all that you got, General Louis."

He blurted out with not a freckle of remorse,"You should rather move to London, Doctor. Perhaps you'd get a patient or two as charity, on my reference ofcourse."

"I surely will, once we drive you away , I will probably visit to treat and patch your wounded egos up. Though the villainous conceit has awful prognosis", not for a second did she stutter or hang back.

"Quick wit and sarcasm, I see" , the General smirked.

"Do whatever it takes to shut her up, more so her petty attitude" he ordered on the way back. He stopped at the end of the long dark passage momentarily, just to

smile at the sound of her getting beaten up. And then he walked away.

"So you are going to escort me to the direction hall too? Are we even acquainted yet?" She said it in a way as though almost trying to get rid of Satyam who was otherwise accompanying her on her way to the first day at Dissection hall.

She hurried deliberately in order to not match pace, she wasn't probably ready for a forced friendship or even friendship of any kind that quick. She was still finding her ground.

"Are you going to follow her all day or do you mind some real company?" That came out rather harsh. Vaishnavi paused to get a look at whoever this impertinent, unmannerly human was.

He had the kind of face that would have stopped someone in their tracks. The kind of beautiful that would pierce through the

bones, that spoke in an ancient ,tranquil tone. And his eyes were galaxy deep.

A tall, well built, sharp featured young man with an unpretentious air around him. He didn't seem to try hard to impress the world, he was rather like someone who was ready to challenge every worldly notion that was normally followed.

And he had the most messy shoes to look at, dusty and laces untied. So much for a first impression on our girl. The two of them exchanged sweeping glances, her eyes held an inexplicable curiosity and his were categorically blank and curt.

The moment just brushed past them, brief and uneventful on the top, but pushing beneath the layers, maneuvering deeper down, the moment spoke a thousand words about unexplained thoughts. It was in itself a tale of a momentary blissful emotional turbulence.

The entrance door at the Dissection Hall read- "Where the Dead teach the living".

There were mixed feelings among the students, some were eager to discover what lay beyond the door, some were hesitant, some had it all planned and some just didn't feel anything at all.

Vaishnavi was amongst the last category. She had just begun to explore the things and scenarios that could scare her or excite her and she wasn't sure as yet where would this experience lie.

" Welcome students. It is my utmost pleasure to have you all here today. ", said Dr Bhattacharya with his charismatic smile and familiar shine in the eyes.

"Here at the Dissection Hall, a cadaver is going to be your ultimate teacher. So before we begin I want you all to rise and

take the cadaveric oath to make sure that you honour and respect the dignity of the dead at all times."

There was a wave of utter silence in the hall broken by the shrieking of stools as the students stood up for the oath.

Vaishnavi was proud of where she was. She had this exhilarating feeling of being distinctive and special to be able to do what she was about to do. She felt a bit silly for such a thought to occur because there was a whole batch around her who would be doing the same. But in that moment she wanted to take all the pride for just being there and for starting this unmatched process of becoming a doctor.

After the oath, the students waited in anticipation while the cadavers were about to be brought in. They then stood around the table in a group as the sheet over the

cadaver was removed. A strong smell of formalin swept across the room.

Vaishnavi felt a little nauseatic. At first, she thought she would manage and it wasn't that big a deal. But the sight of it and the strong formalin smell adding to the whole thing was making it hard for her.

"We shall start today by incising the skin of the thorax so as to appreciate the pectoralis muscles. I am going to begin and you all can follow in turns." said Dr Bhattacharya as he set his scalpel and bent down to make the incision.

Vaishnavi started to feel dizzy and light headed. She kept wiggling her toes so as to not lose balance. But when she realised she might fall, she took a stool and sat down. Suddenly, all heads turned to her. She was embarrassed.

"Are you okay, Miss Rai? Just have a glass of water and join back when you feel

better.",Dr Bhattacharya said in his ever so concerned tone. Vaishnavi could hear the others whispering and she assumed she would have already been judged for being delicate and such an infirm. And then she saw him, the boy with the galaxy deep eyes. He looked at her with an expression that was anything but concern,as though he meant that he expected better out of her than to almost faint at the very first sight of a cadaver. He then rolled his eyes and quickly looked away leaving Vaishnavi wondering. She was disappointed too, she had not planned the whole thing or her reaction. But she never expected her to be that feeble and entreated. That night back in her dormitory, she felt numb. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she used every fragment of her strength to wall them in, to not permit them to flow down her bare cheeks. She had a vortex of questions and

doubts. If the first sight of a cadaver could garner such a response, she wasn't sure in that moment of how would she deal with blood or further more, with death.

It was the night of 13th April, 1919. Vaishnavi was cold, her throat parched and voice cracked. She paused for a moment at the entrance of the Bagh, her feet felt the weight of a thousand tonnes and she almost pained to death in every step she took forward.

" What if we don't find him, Satyam?" , she said in her agony drenched voice.

"We will. And we won't give up until we have seen for ourselves." Satyam placed his hand on her shoulder trying to bring her bits of solace. The two entered the bagh with frightened steps and were left aghast at the very sight. Vaishnavi took deep breaths as sweat trickled down her

face. With every minute passing by she could feel life being squeezed out of her.

There was blood splashed as far as they could see. There were dead bodies smeared in blood, scattered and unattended. There were people gasping for air, some breathing their last. They could see children wailing in pain over their dead fathers. In a glimpse, Vaishnavi saw the world ending for people, their stories being left unfinished, their promises unkept. Many did not have their last goodbyes or their last hugs and many were left with an endless period of sorrow.

Satyam shook her out of her horror," We have to find him, vaishu".

"Aniket." ,she screamed.

"Anikettttt"

The two of them went around the Bagh and kept calling out to Aniket. His face, his

eyes, his touch everything lingered around her mind.

"Aniket, can you hear me." She kept calling out to him with fading hopes and spirit.

"Satyam, I need you to go and help the injured. They need us too. We have to save whoever we can."

Satyam looked at her with a blank face. He didn't know what to say.

"You go. I will keep looking for him." And she fell to the ground bursting in tears she had been holding back for so long.

"Just go, Satyam."

Satyam turned and hurried away. He knew there was no point in arguing with Vaishnavi once she had made up her mind.

And he had faith in her, he knew she would pull herself together.

Vaishnavi took her minute to cater to her tears and rose up gathering all her will.

"Aniket.......Aniketttt"

She forced herself to walk across the place, looking for him in each face she saw,desperately hoping it wasn't over for him, hoping it wasn't over for them.

"Vaish..na..vi" , she stopped at the sound of her name being called out. She turned to her right and there he was. Aniket.

He lay in a pool of blood, whining in pain. She ran to him and held him in her arms. In that moment, she felt she found all her world, like she had been meandering about for a lifetime and had finally found her sole object of quest. She cupped his face in her hands," I am not letting you go, you are going to be just fine."

"I know that. I knew you would find me."said Aniket lightning up a little.

Vaishnavi moved her hand through his hair and looked into his eyes, the ones that were a galaxy deep, the ones she always lost herself in.

Aniket had been shot on his shoulder and he had lost a lot of blood. She figured she couldn't wait any longer. She tore a portion of her saree and tied it around his wound and helped him get up. Aniket was extremely weak and dehydrated. She put his arm around her and walked him outside. She lay him nearby and pulled out certain things from her bag.

"I am going to remove the bullet here." she told him. She was back to being her fierce self, the one who was a responsible ,unrivaled doctor.

Aniket had started to feel drowsy by then, but he had all faith in her. He looked at her,pressed her hand and nodded. He could see she was scared, and that it was killing her inside but she would do it anyway. And in that nod he wanted to tell her how proud he was and how much he loved her.

She took out her kit and without any delay

pulled out her forceps and scalpel. She cleaned the wound and plucked out the bullet.She saw him swallow his pain and her heart wrenched but not once did she tremble, not once did her hands shake. It was as though she was two different versions of herself, the woman who was madly in love with the man and a doctor who was desperate to save her patient.Satyam found them by the time she properly patched Aniket's wound .

"Thank God he is okay Vaishu. See, I told you we will find him." Satyam was ecstatic seeing his best friend was alive.

Aniket had fallen unconscious by then and the two of them carried him to a nearby safe shelter.

Vaishnavi sat next to Aniket all night, holding his hand. She didn't move away for a second. To her, watching him sleep was pure,unfathomable bliss. She could trade

away all that she had just to watch him sleep like a baby.

"I love you with every bit of my heart. I know you probably can't hear me right now and I know I am emotionally crippled when it comes to being expressive but I am saying it anyways. I love you and I died a thousand deaths in all those hours I spent searching for you. You are all my strength and my weakness. Just please be okay." and she bent to kiss him on his forehead.

Aniket woke up late in the afternoon and saw her right next to him. He smiled feebly and said," Who would have known that the woman who almost fainted at the sight of a cadaver wouldn't hesitate for a second before pulling bullet out of me ."

"Well, evolving circumstances do change people with time. That is what life is all about, right? " , she answered.

"Right."He chuckled.

"And just so that you know, I love you with every bit of my heart, too. I am just not that emotionally crippled, physically crippled for a while would be more accurate for me."

She looked away, and blushed. One of the rare occasions when she unveiled the traits of a normal woman in love.

The chai tapri under the peepal tree outside the hospital gates was a frequent spot of respite for the students. Vaishnavi was habitual of having her typical adrak elaichi chai by schedule everyday. She sat there reading her notes with her daily tea therapy.

"Do you ever do anything apart from reading your notes or filling in that journal of yours?" Satyam could be a little nosy at times. But Vaishnavi was somewhat in a cheery mood so she didn't mind much.

"Perhaps, do you ever do anything apart from prying into everyone else's life?"

Satyam happened to enjoy how Vaishnavi would always hit back at him. Gradually, he had started to read her moods. He knew she was in a light mood when she would strike back in sarcasm and he could see a storm approaching everytime she turned a deaf ear to his remarks. Amidst all the chaos ,they had started to develop this unspoken ,underlying friendship. Looking up from her notes, Vaishnavi asked Satyam out of the blue,"Who is the boy who usually roams around with you, the one who is devoid of anything even close to good manners." Satyam broke out into laughter. He was always amused by the peculiar way in which she would describe people.

"Well, that is Aniket. He is my closest friend. The two of us have been together since we were just four or maybe five years

old."

Vaishnavi gave a thoughtful nod, still posing to be preoccupied with her notes so that she wouldn't make it overly evident about how interested she was to know more.

"In that case, have there been any side effects of such long exposure to something that toxic?" Vaishnavi would never leave a chance to take a dig on Satyam. She was the woman who kept everyone at her arm's length. So even though she had her inquisitiveness on an all time high, she couldn't get herself to directly ask more about Aniket. She knew by then that Aniket caused a stir in the deepest abyss of her heart , but her well guarded pride refused to accept it.

"You don't know him Vaishnavi. Aniket has been on his own for way too long to know what is it to be social and politely

interactive. He is just too pure and raw for the world, maybe. And I like him the way he is. So will you please keep your quick judgements in control." This time she did not answer him back. While she had been secretly hoping to hear something that would put her interest in Aniket to rest, what Satyam said just did the complete opposite and increased it manifold. She quickly brushed away her tornado of thoughts and continued to discuss the physiology lecture with Satyam.

As they sat there studying and preparing a chapter plan for the next lecture, a group of senior students came by and took the nearby chaarpai. They had all kinds of things to discuss about. Vaishnavi and Satyam could hear bits and pieces of it when their voices grew too loud once in a while.

"I think the extremists are just a group of violence loving people posing to be nationalists. The split was just uncalled for." said one of the senior students of the group. " India is still like a premature baby, we need the British to look after us which they have been doing. Why does it have to be calculated on emotional grounds anyways." said another. Aniket had walked in too by then, but he preffered his loner image and sat in the opposite corner, listening and observing.

Vaishnavi had been listening to every single word being spoken. She was opinionated, holding a clear, strong perception but she never felt the need to express her thought.

"I agree, as long as they are willing to take off our burden to run that vast a nation, why should we worry. We should rather work together with the Britishers to meet

common grounds. The extremists really need to take it easy." answered the fist senior. And they laughed and joked about it as casually as it could ever be. Vaishnavi was enraged, she never realised until then how strongly she felt about issues and discussions concerning her nation. She never knew how much her opinions mattered to her and how caged she would feel if she did not find an outlet to them

"There isn't going to be a point to argue here Vaishnavi. So just focus on what you are doing and ignore the rest." Satyam noticed that she was angry and agitated at the shear inanity of those boys and he tried to dismiss any impending trouble. But maybe it was a little for that.

"So that's your brilliant analogy about it? That India is a premature baby that needs help. And all you do is sit around shifting the burden of its management to

foreignlanders ,that too just verbally. Because the ones who are initiating actions are termed as pretentious nationalists by you, so you might as well propose your verbal theories to us." Vaishnavi didn't take a second before she turned around and blurted everything out that had been going around in her head eversince she heard them talk. Satyam put his head down because he knew the repercussions of going against a group of seniors in public are going to be dreadful.

Aniket just sat there,observing. He kept scribbling in his notebook and didn't seem to take evident notice of anything.

The group of senior boys was infuriated. What had begun as a casual whispering campaign had now taken a serious edge.

One of them just charged out on Vaishnavi in no time,"So you, the new girl,huh? You are going to tell us what we should and

should not talk about. Because you have been sent here to study and have not been thrown back into the kitchen which indeed is the right place for you, you think you can create a ruckus out here? Who do you think you are ? And what do you know about economics or governing or nationalism anyways."

"Everything that you perhaps forgot to know about morals, self respect and independence."

"Independence of mind, Independence of thought,Independence of soul. I seek a nation where I breathe free, where I speak and I am listened to, where I work for my own brothers ,where I toil for my own nation's pride. Till that is my dream, Independence is my only goal. " She spoke out loud to a crowd of hundreds. A mere term that she had used years ago in a

college argument for the first time turned out to be her sole goal, her motto, the very meaning of her whole life. Independence.

That was a final blow to their authority by Vaishnavi and they lost all temper and almost took a step ahead towards her when he walked in.

"Don't." Aniket stood in the middle looking at senior I the eye, guarding Vaishnavi.

" We are sorry sir. I request you to please let this matter be." , said Aniket and he looked at her behind his shoulder.

A wave of indignation ran down her spine. She picked her papers, journal and bag and stormed out of there.

That night, Vaishnavi was restless. The reigns of her sleep were being recklessly pulled by her wavering thoughts. She was in a process of transformation, the details of which she had begun to sense. She

introspected her reactions early that morning in depth, tried looking for answers. She didn't know until now how strongly she felt about matters concerning her country and the ideologies she held because she had never been vocal about it before, she was never in a situation where she had to counter someone and express an opinion. She twisted and turned in bed.

It was also because of Aniket. She knew she felt differently about him, different in a more special way. But what angered her was that he tried fighting her battle, he tried guarding her. She was clear she didn't want that. She didn't want an alpha male to suddenly waltz into a situation to play her savior, she felt she could do that for herself.

Probably, there's a contrasting vocabulary when it comes to genders. If its a man, he is hardworking but if its a female she is

over ambitious. She was surprised how much of a difference can a pair of breasts and vagina make so as to limit a person's intellectual capabilities to their gender.

She kept rowing through her thoughts in search of clarity. By the end of which she found a part of herself which had always been there, she had just not had a chance to meet it till then. She saw how certain days, situations or even shear moments can sometimes allow you to meet a portion of your own self. And maybe, that's all that life is about. Maybe its all a mystery, and our job is to keep finding missing pieces of ourselves. The situations, life changing moments, or ever people are just cues to the ultimate quest. Or perhaps we are just layered up, made of uncountable sheets that keep unwrapping with time.

Either ways, Vaishnavi knew who she was and what she wanted in life. That night,she

lost sleep but sure found a purpose.

By Dr Deeksha Chandra