Abyssal Light Part 1: Still

By Drishti Dattatreya Rao

Nina: 

I opened my eyes. Another day. Tiring – I couldn’t even get out of my bed.

I rolled over and fell off the bed. Somehow, it broke.

Ugh, every day is such a pain. I have to fix this bed after my nine-to-five crappy job. Don’t get me wrong, this job was - and has been - my dream job. But the thing is everything is slowly becoming boring and regular. So regular that even singing songs I loved wouldn’t help.

What time is it? I thought, looking at the clock. 

Eight. Fifty. Five. A.M.

I threw my bodyweight backwards, managing to hit my head on a chair and landing my back on a splinter from a piece of the bed.

I jumped up. Too slow – I already had my head bleeding a little.

I growled a little. I sounded like an actual dog because of my terrible morning voice, but nonetheless, I was agitated.

Alas, I couldn’t just sit and rue over my pain and agony, for I had my work to go to.

I got up, immediately felt tired and fatigued, and stood in one spot before realizing that I could arrive late to my job. I decided to do things quickly, yet my slow movements prevented this. I ended up being at least twenty minutes late to work.

“Late again, Nina. What is happening to you, mija? This is the seventh week in a row!” Marylen said.

“Been feeling tired and fatigued lately,” I said.

Marylen frowned.

“You should get that checked out dear. It could be a problem or a mental illness…”

“I’m fine, Marylen. It’s just tiredness, it’ll go away.”

“If you say so, mija.”

I walked into the office. The bright lights nearly blinded me.

“Ugh.”

A second passed after I sat down and then–

“Hello, I’m new here, I’d like to know your name, just trying to get to know everyone.”

A girl, who could've been at least thirteen, was standing there. She tried sounding happy about being here, but I recognised that tone all too well. Thirteen-year-old me usually used that tone when I was pretending to feel an emotion.

“Honey, are you sure you’re old enough for a job? Did you get the address to the Girl Scouts meetup wrong?” I said in the sincerest voice I could muster. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, after all. 

“No, I’m pretty sure that I’m supposed to be here.”

“Suit yourself. My name’s Nina–”

“Oh really?! Mine is too!”

“Your name is too…?”

“No, my name is Nina too!”

“Oh okay. I’ll call you Nina Two.”

“Fine by me.”

The silence that followed seemed endless. “Well, uh… I’ve met everyone else and the boss, manager, whatever you call them said that someone could give me a tour around. Everyone seems to be in their own world and not all that friendly. Makes me wonder if I made a good first impression, or if they hate me now or– Ah, I’m rambling like an old lady!” Nina Two said. 

“Ah? Yeah, sure I’ll give you a tour because, what could be worse? I wasn’t prepared for social interaction but–”

I made a small squeak sound. 

I’m rambling. Like I always did when I was a sad and pathetic teen.

…In fact, Nina Two reminds me of a younger me. She IS quite familiar. It could be something similar to anemoia, but with people? Either way, I didn’t care. I wanted to get this over with.

“So, Nina Two, have you worked somewhere else, or this is your first job?” I asked. I was silently praying that my voice was not as empty as how I felt.

“It’s my first job.” she replied nervously.

“Okay. So, what this job is – people will ask you to help them code and put together their game ideas. If something is out of your league, just pass it on to another person and take an easier task.”

“Ah, okay.”

“This is the way to the bathroom.”

“Uh huh.”

“This is the manager’s office. Don’t be afraid if you see the CEO there. The CEO’s son is the manager.”

“Ah, okay. Noted.”

“This is the workspace, on the right to it is the break room which we call ‘The Kitchen,’ because it looks like one. On your break you could get a bagel, donut, tea coffee – whatever you could ask for – but not drugs. You could also be a menace and steal other people’s food; they don’t mind.”

“Haha!”

“And there is no mandatory uniform, so no need to wear all…this” I said, pointing at her outfit.

“I’ll wear whatever I want.” she said angrily.

“I don’t care about what you wear, just wear something.”

“Okay.”

“And so ends our tour. Claim an empty place, sign into the account you were given in the email and start programming something simple, we’ll assess your work.”

“Ah okay” Nina Two sat down in an empty seat next to mine.

As I went to sit in my place, I noticed the other workers whispering and talking to themselves. I just thought they were surprised I actually said more than one syllable.

I sat back in my seat, stared at the code and softly slammed my head into the keyboard (P.S., the typed product was “sgddfhgejvfhfḍjcdsklfhewfdg”. Awesome, right? Ugh, I’m so sleep deprived) 

“You okay?” Nina Two asked.

“Tired.” I said.

“Hate this job?”

“No! I just… don’t enjoy anything much anymore.”

“Ah. I understand you. I used to love drawing, but I barely touch my stuff anymore.”

I used to love drawing too, until I was thirteen. I found out that five year olds are able to draw better than me. I just gave up, I guess. 

“Hah, two of the same kind, are we?”

“Haha, yeah! More like the same person.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing!” Nina Two squeaked and went back to frantic typing.

I could care less.

Always in a state of anxiety. Just like teen me. I wonder, are there any similarities before I start questioning my sanity?

I look up at my screen. Hit my head on the keyboard again. Deleted the useless head-typed stuff. Typed a few lines of code. Gave up. That was practically my routine for five minutes.

I looked at Nina Two. She was nervously, but quickly, typing code into VS Code.

“Whatcha up to?” I asked, curious about what she was making as her first project. 

“Oh, um… an RPG game…? I saw some assets I could use so I just… started, I guess!”

“Wow.”

“Do you not like it…?”

“No, I love it! Is this simple for you to do?”

“Oh yeah, pretty simple. Why do you ask?”

“Because we asked you to do something simple, and it looks like you went all in!”“Oh, haha! It’s just that I’ve been coding ever since I was introduced to it in school, and I won first place in a coding competition and I submitted an RPG game, so I thought that RPG games were my specialty, and… yeah.”

I won a coding competition too, with an RPG game. But many people here won coding competitions with RPG games too, right?

“Well then, welcome to the team!” I said with enthusiasm I didn’t have.

Nina Two smiled. Not a wide one – more like a tired one, like she’d been through this many times, or she knew it and was waiting for something to occur, of sorts.

I ignored it, obviously. Who cares about other people these days?

The day went on as days must, with nothing new. I entered my house, my grey and tired house.

“I suspect that you may have depression! You ought to take care of yourself!” I muttered, repeating words my school counselor said when she tried helping me. “I suppose I do have depression. But I’ll take no action. What’s the use? I’ll fall down back into the pit someday.”

I set up my workspace corner and tried working. Basically, I got nothing done. 

“Ugh, I’m such a waste of air. I can’t even do anything!” I yelled through gritted teeth. I was pulling on my hair, like I always did when I was angry. I sighed and let go of my hair. I felt tired for no reason at all.

I looked out the window. Sunset, trees blowing, moonrise… and I stayed there for a while, feeling tired. I groaned. “How come everything in this world is happy, and I’m the only one that’s sad?”Where is my sister when I need her? Did she leave me here? Sure, she’s the younger one, but she’s wiser than me.

…I miss the way she associated the world with colours. She made me see those colours too. Now she’s gone and I can’t see any of those.

“Will she come here, or should I go back?” I thought. What am I thinking? She’s probably in London at work or something. We’re not even from London! I never went there either. How in the world should I go back?

I took a while to compose my mind. Thoughts enter, but I don’t know who thought them. I decided to grab a glass of water and force myself to do work, no matter how tired I was.

Everything else matters more than me, teen me had once said.

As I headed to my kitchen to get a glass, I was immediately hit with the stench of rotting food.

“Ugh.” I groaned, and grabbed the bottle of air freshener. I tried spraying it, but only got a nest of tiny cockroaches out of it. I threw the bottle to the wall, and walked out of there. I didn’t even care to drink water, because a hive of bees may come out of my drinking water.

I sat on the couch, energy drained. Tired yet not sleepy. I stared at the clock. Moving on as always. I really wish I was like that too, so I could get out of this mess. But alas, nothing will ever change.

I looked into my bedroom. Messy, with a new addition: a broken bed! I’m too lazy to fix it. I’ll just sleep on the couch instead.

And so, I closed my eyes.

Yet I didn’t sleep.

Insomnia, at its finest. 

I just lay there, not bothering to grab the sleeping pills.

I’ll stay up all night.

Mia:

Woke up to another beautiful day!

Isn’t it strange how Nina just hates all of this? She’s become extremely irritable, I guess. Well, I won’t quit until she smiles at something!

A real smile, that’s all I need.

I walked into work and set up my desk. Nina wasn’t there yet. Well, she needs her time, she’s going through a rough patch, isn’t she? I headed into “The Kitchen” and made a nice and warm cup of coffee for myself. I sipped it thoughtfully, staring out the window.

The singing birds… they sound lovely, don’t they?

Just as I was in the middle of my thoughts, Jake entered the room.

“Oh, hey! I was missing you all! I was gone for a really important family event! Family first, am I right?” I practically yelled.

He smiled. “Missed your bright energy yesterday. Should I fill you in on what happened yesterday?” he said, making his own coffee.

“Oooh, spill the tea!”

“Haha, promise you won’t bring it up to Nina?”

“Why? Is it something about her?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

“What is it?”

“You know how Sam gave Nina a tour when she first joined?”

“Yeah, I remember that. Hope Sam’s enjoying her trip to the Bahamas.”

“Well, Nina got up yesterday and suddenly started reciting everything Sam told her – to absolutely no one at all!”

“Really?”

“Yes! Word for word! She was acting like she was telling someone the way around. Plot twist – there wasn’t anyone there!”

“That poor little girl, she’s trapped in her own head and hallucinations.”

“When do you think she’ll realise that?” Jake said, sighing heavily.

I looked at him. He looked sad. “She’ll realise everything soon enough. Let’s just hope her mind’s actually awake and trying its best to get out.”

We stood and chatted for a while, catching up about yesterday. Occasionally, I looked at the door to our workspace. Any moment, Nina could walk in and listen to us talking about her. She never liked people talking about her, after all.

I, being responsible, decided to get some work done. I walked up to my place and Nina was setting up her place. I gasped.

“NINA! HI! I MISSED YOU!” I yelled. Nina looked up at me with those tired eyes of hers, and I swear, she was rolling them internally.

“Hello, Mia.” she said in her dull monotone voice. I hugged her tightly. 

“Could you let go now?” she asked.

I let go, obviously. I’m not clingy.

“Nina, Nina!” I said like a giddy little girl. 

“What?” she said, already turning on her computer. I turned her chair towards me.

“Nina! You want to join us Sunday night for drinks at the bar?” I asked

“...Sunday is tomorrow.”

“Exactly! You want to join us? I can pick you up if you want!”

“...Okay?”

“Yay!” I yelled and hugged Nina tight. 

“Why are you like a kid?” she asked. 

“Because I choose to!” I giggled and hopped away merrily. Without a care in the world, I typed code lines and called more people to join.

Sunday, without a hitch in our plan, I picked Nina up in the evening, along with Jake whose car was totaled by his brother. Most of the ride was just me and Jake talking while Nina stared out the window. 

Looking in the rearview mirror hurt – looking at that once healthy girl shrink into that pallid figure in the backseat. If she had only stayed, if she only believed that things would get better, she wouldn’t be here, she wouldn’t be like this.

We reached the bar just in time. Everyone else was already there. I ran towards them, greeted them and apologized if we were late. I looked at Nina through the corner of my eye. She just sat at the end of the bar counter, in her latest outfit (which was still last month’s): a turtleneck.

We were here to have fun, I told myself, Not to worry much, she’ll give in eventually and join us, right?

I went over to my friends, leaving Nina alone for a while. She doesn’t like gossip, and I respect that. We chatted and chatted to no end about which boys we liked, if we looked pretty, if anybody noticed the painting moving its eyes… etcetera.

At last, we headed towards the bar counter for drinks. I sat one seat away from Nina, just to give her space.

I asked for a Bloody Mary, and waited. I looked at Nina. “Heya Nina! You want a drink?” I asked.

She blinked. She looked away. “I didn’t bring any money.”

“Oh it’s fine! Drinks are on me anyway! Now tell me, which drink do you want?”

“Oh no no no no, I can’t ask for a drink if you’re paying!”

“Who said you can’t? The others are ordering whatever they want!”

Nina tugged on her sleeves, considering it.

“Oh c’mon! You know you want something!”

“I don’t know.”

“Fine. I’ll get you shots then.”

“Wait-”

“No trying to convince me, Nina. You’re not going to enter a bar without having a drink.”

Nina slumped over herself. She’s not going to convince me with that long and sad face though. She’s getting a drink. I don’t like it when people don’t drink a glass when we’re at the bar. Especially when I'm paying.

Well, Jake is an exception. He made an oath to the pastor in the church that he would never take anything that was made in a bar.

Speaking of Jake, he decided to sit in between me and Nina.

“Hi Mia and Nina! What were you talking about?” he asked.

“Ah it’s nothing, I just asked her to take a drink, but she didn’t want anything. I ordered shots for her, because I HATE it when a person, a person who hasn’t taken an oath on God, doesn’t drink at least a sip of any drink in the bar.”

“Ah okay. Nina, how are you feeling?”

“...Good, why?”

“You look a bit pale.”

“Oh that’s how I normally look.”

“But you didn’t look like this when you first fell–”

I shot Jake a look.

“But you didn’t look like this when you first landed this job!” he squeaked, realising his mistake.

“Well, the golden glow of being the newest member of the job wears off over time. Especially when there’s a new-er member around.”

I looked at Jake, who looked at me. Who is the new member she’s talking about?

My Bloody Mary and Nina’s shots came around the same time. I sipped mine while Nina just held the tiny glass.

“Whatcha thinking?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she replied.

“You’re wondering if you should drink that, aren’t you?”

“What?! No!”

“You are.”

“Fine, I am.”

“Drink it, it’s safe.”

“Okay.”

Nina slowly sipped her shot. 

“Nina!” I said.

“Yeah?”

“Is it your first time drinking a shot?”

“It’s my first time drinking anything alcoholic.”

“You’re supposed to drink it fast! That’s why it’s called a shot!”

“...That seems unnecessary. And also, a bit weird. Imagine a person drinking a tiny glass full of a drink like they haven’t had a drink in a very long time.”

“You’re supposed to pretend that!”

“That makes sense, I guess.”

Jake flipped his head side to side, unable to decide which person to face. He started getting dizzy so he just stared at the bartender, who was slightly intimidated. Jake turned to face me after a while.

“What’s the time?”

“8 pm.”

“Okay.”

He already wants to go home? Sadly, we’ll need him as a driver if I get tipsy. Nina doesn’t have a driving license yet, I thought.

I noticed Nina had finished a shot. I ordered another, just so that she knew that she could ask literally anything from me.

All I need her to do is smile for me. Probably that’s how she gets out of this nightmare.

I went back to the group of women gossiping. They were talking about vodka being found in energy drinks or whatever. I joined in the gossip while Nina talked to Jake. It looked like he was miserably failing to make her happy.

I realised I still hadn’t finished my drink. I slowly sipped it while thinking about how long the day felt.

I eventually got tired of people speaking over me, so I headed back to Jake and Nina.

“What do you mean by that?” Nina asked.

“A man who’s going to be executed by an electric chair suffers a heart attack and flatlines before the electric current begins. Would he be brought back to life or would he still be dead?”

“I think he would still be dead.”

“How?”

“The electric voltage in the electric chair is probably higher than in a Defibrillator, so he’d come back to life and immediately die again.”

“Ah, that makes sense.”

“What in the world do you guys like talking about?” I said, shuddering.

“Oh, hey Mia! Nina’s on her sixth shot or something. She asked for one, the others were given by some dude who thought she looked like she needed some.” Jake said. 

“That’s nice of him. Also, I’m proud that Nina finally asked for one shot.” I said, sitting down, bored out of my mind.

“I feel tipsy or drunk. I can’t tell.” Nina said. She then proceeded to giggle uncontrollably. I laughed. That happens sometimes, doesn’t it? Jake looked at me and started laughing at my laugh. The other group stared at us and started their giggles, laughs and whispers.

I tried sipping my glass through my laughs, but I ended up choking and then laughing more. Eventually I finished the Bloody Mary while trying not to laugh at Nina’s drunk ramblings.

We decided it was time to go home before any of us (Nina or I) got more drunk. 

In the car, Nina curled into a ball. “What happened Nina?” I asked, the world already spinning.“I have a stomach ache.” she said. Jake had already started driving and took a sharp turn, making Nina fall off the seat and making me yell for my mom at the top of my lungs, all the while Jake laughed.

I helped Nina back up and she sat in her seat, clutching her guts. “Hey Mia” she said drunkly.

“Yeah?”

“Why wasn’t the new girl invited?”

I looked at Jake. He looked at me through the rearview mirror. We both thought the same thing:

Who is the new girl?

Nina…?:

Days-old routine. At least this night was different. I just need to get her out of here. This is frustrating now. I want her to know the truth. The others aren’t helping. I need to show myself. She’s drunk now, so she’ll probably think she’s hallucinating. 

I CAN’T WAIT! I WANT TO GET OUT! I WANNA GO HOME!

She just needs to enter her apartment. A homely apartment. Similar to ours back… there.

I watched through the window. She was being dropped off. I’m still not sure if the others can see me or not, so I must hide. 

I hid behind the broken bed. She wouldn’t know anyone was there. I heard the front door open and close. Soft talking followed. Sadly, I wasn't able to hear anything. 

I peeked from my hiding spot, searching for whoever was talking to her for so long. Mia. Of course, it was her. She doesn’t know when to shut up. I hope we don’t actually run into her outside this mental prison.

I closed my eyes. I’m tired, but not sleepy. Insomnia at its finest.

I opened my eyes after a while. I never realised that Mia had left. I stood up and walked toward the living room, ready to confront her, to tell her about everything, to get out of here.

Yet, she wasn’t there.

Ugh, where could she possibly be?! I thought.

I looked around. There was a mirror nearby. I walked into it, entering my residence, the mirror world. I looked around at all the mirrors.

Ah, there she was, in her bathroom. I stared at what she was holding. 

Sleeping pills.

She really has no idea about everything. She’s going to attempt again.

A wicked idea presented itself to me. I smiled. I realised it was the first time I smiled since my depression diagnosis.

I was getting better. Now the only thing left to do is leave.

I looked at the back of the mirror again.

Yo, prepárate para el embrujo de tu vida.

I turned off the lights in the bathroom, and revealed myself in the mirror. She couldn’t see me, because the lights “mysteriously” turned off. She turned them on again and came face-to-face with me in the mirror.

“Nina Two…?” she asked cluelessly.

I laughed. How gullible she was!

“No, dear. Don’t you remember anything?” I said.

“No…?”

I tilted my head, my wide an unnerving smile still on it.

“Oh really? Let me jog your memory!”

“I really don’t need that… I was just about to kill myself anyway. What use is your ‘jogging’ of my memory then?”

I snapped my head back to its normal place.

“How dare you think that you deserve death more than anyone else! People have suffered more than you, and they’re still alive and smiling! You left your friends and family behind, the only people who cared! You should’ve listened to them! Instead, you chose a path that led you to something worse than death! You’re lucky that they found you.”

“I’m sorry… I don’t follow…?”

“Of course, you’re oblivious to everything! We’re one in the same! Don’t you want to go home? Don’t those thoughts linger?”

“I don’t understand–”

“Isn’t it wrong?! You’re lying to yourself again! You pretend you can’t remember, but you know everything that has happened! You live this fake life pretending that this is real! You’re manipulating yourself! Why do you choose to push everything far away? Listen to them, then maybe you can get out of here – to home!”

She was breathing heavily. So emotional. She needs to get over it.

Her face turned green. She’s fighting nausea.

Is she remembering yet? I can’t stop until she remembers.

“Take a good look at yourself, there’s no one there for you! You’ll cry, because you don’t know what to do! You think there’s nothing to do? Hey, stop looking at me like that! I’m just highlighting the obvious!”

Anger rose in me. She’s pretending that I’m the problem.

“Leave me alone.” she said.

I can’t.

I pressed my hands against the glass, making myself more visible to her.

This twisted joke is now the reality we must face.

“How pathetic! You don’t know where or how to leave! You should’ve thought about that before you jumped! How boring! When will you realize that no one wants you here? How stupid, and you know that very well, don’t you?! Here you are again, talking to yourself!”

Each word I said stung me too.

We’re the same. I’m yelling at myself.

I pulled myself half out of the mirror, my hands gripping the bathroom wall tiles, leaving black ink stains on them.

“If you want to die, it isn’t anything new! If you gave up, why are you still living? Are you punishing yourself? You want to live! Just accept it! Why stay here any longer?!”

She was on her knees, crying.

I pulled myself out of the mirror completely now.

I stood next to her; angry tears flowing from my eyes.

“I’m, again, turning my voice off for you,” I said, lifting her shaking body up so she could stand.

Tears flowed like rivers down that face, colour finally returning.

She drank a single sleeping pill.

In a short while, she was limp in my arms.

I dragged her back to the couch and allowed her to rest, while I sat awake at the dining table.

Drawing, Scarletta’s language – that’s what I did, until the other me awoke.

By Drishti Dattatreya Rao