Up In The Sky

By Uthpala M L

June 10, 2008

Before I leave, I want to tell a story. A story that has been silenced in me, all this time. I want to tell it today.

I was born in the town of Gresten. I’ve lived here all my 21 years of life. This is where I went to school, where I would have learnt to drive. Anyone who lives in this town will know me. I’m famous. I’ve always been hated though, as far as I can remember. The only real friends I’ve had were the Cater-Roaches

I want to tell you about the Cater-Roaches, because I realize that most people don’t see them. When I was younger I was terrified of them. They were big and they looked like a caterpillar had a child with a cockroach. They’d be in the sky, floating around like blimps. They had huge brown eyes that were on the side but could see in front of them. They were the same size far away and close by. They would always linger and shadow me around.

The earliest memory I have of them was when I was 4 years old. My mother and I were walking from the supermarket. I stepped out of the supermarket and looked at the sky. It was a crisp, clear blue. A few wisps of clouds lazily skimming over the horizon. And then I saw them. I pointed them out to my mother. “Where?”, she asked, looking around the sky. She couldn’t see them.

I would see them everyday though. Everyday back home from school. One day, I was looking at them, determined to show them to everyone around me. The kids in school had started to make fun of me, saying I was always inventing things.

I looked at them hard. Suddenly I felt them. They could see me. I felt my face and ears burn up. I couldn’t look away. And then I saw them open their mouth. And I saw their many many rows of pointed teeth, pointy, rotten and ready to eat.

I stopped looking at the sky.

The rest of the days in school are a blur of memories. It was always hard for me to make friends. I had a few friends, but even they kept their distance for me. I didn’t care though. I was only concerned with hiding from the Cater-Roaches. I would never step out under the open sky. I would stay under the trees or sit on the bleachers, my head buried in a book whose lines I would read over and over again to keep myself from looking up. I hated getting out of the house. I preferred the room in the basement of my home, where I felt safe. I would spend most of my evenings doing homework and trying to not think about the Cater-Roaches.

My mother was never really worried about me. People would often remark about how I was a sullen, anti-social child, and my mother would merely shrug it off and say, “I don’t know. I don’t know why she is behaving like this”. It was a source of comfort for me that she would never force me to do anything. My mother’s sister was always a pain when she came over. She would always force me to talk to everyone, force me to get out and play “like a real kid”. “What is wrong with you?”, she would often ask. By then I had stopped talking about the Cater-Roaches. I knew no one would believe me. “I don’t know, Sue. She’s always like this. She’ll always go lock herself up in that room and shut everyone out. I don’t know what to do with her”, my mother would say. “Do something about it then!”, Aunt Susan would say. “What can I do”, my mother would grumble under her breath and that would be that. It would never be brought up again until the next time Aunt Susan would visit.

In the 7th grade, a new girl joined my class. She was from a different country. She was shy and never quite fit in. We became friends, out of circumstance and necessity. We wouldn’t talk much, just sit with each other and do our own thing. I liked her. She never asked me questions. She didn’t make fun of me, of the way my hair was never properly combed or how my clothes were never pressed. The kids and the teachers in school were very amused by the way I dressed. Often times I wouldn’t care to dress up, and mother never liked it if I showed too much enthusiasm in anything. She found it mysterious that I behave in any way other than the way I’d behaved all those years. Sometimes I would walk home with her. Sometimes she would stay over and we would talk about the books we had read in our free time. I felt like I finally had a friend.

“It’s nice to see Anne finally make friends and adjust in school”, aunt Susan remarked one night over dinner. “Oh yes yes, that girl Lin and Anne are such good friends, they walk back home together everyday!”, my mother supplied. “Oh so you’re finally making friends”, my father remarked, taking his nose out of the evening newspaper and helping himself to generous portions of dinner. “That’s good”, he said, and everyone agreed, and it was never brought up again.

My father loved reading the news. He loved watching the news, and he loved talking about the news. I used to watch the news with him, because the news people wouldn’t miss covering the Cater-Roaches, would they? They had fancy cameras and helicopters, they would get to see a Cater-Roach from up close.

“Don’t you mean aeroplanes?” My dad would ask. “I think she means bugs”, my mother would argue. “No, it’s obviously too big to be a bug. She means a plane”, my father would say. “No, she has told me she calls them cockroaches, I know it’s bugs she’s talking about”.

“No, she’s talking about aeroplanes. Use a bit of common sense, bugs can’t be that big”

It didn’t matter, because I never saw the Cater-Roaches never came on the news channel.

My dad still watches the news everyday. If only he cared about me as much as he cares about current events.

And then we started highschool. Lin had become more confident, she made more friends. She would go to their houses and hang out with them. She would call me to join, too. I never went, and so Lin and I slowly drifted apart. Not that it bothered me much. I just didn’t care. I didn’t mind walking alone.

One day I was walking home from school. It was a Thursday. I remember it was a Thursday because that was the day a lot of people chose to skip school. There was nothing special about Thursday; one of the guys just happened to wake up one Thursday morning and decided him and all his buddies would skip school from then on. Some people would ride around in motorcycles and spend their days smoking cigarettes and getting high on whatever their dealer gave them. Some people would go relax at home, or go catch a movie, or play games at the arcade. These were the only people who brought business to the arcade, I think. But some people, they chose to loiter around the streets, cat-calling any woman unfortunate enough to pass them by. The other groups, they were alright. But these people - these were the ones you’d have to watch out for.

I always thought I was invisible to these people, and so I was walking down the street. I felt them snigger at me, Greg and Ryan, the only two boys around. No girls on that day. I quickened my pace and hurried down the street. Suddenly, I felt a hand grabbing onto mine. Ryan sniggered.

“Now let’s see this girl have some fun”

My screams died in my throat. The buttons on my shirt scattered in all directions after being so callously undone. I was trying and failing to fight two men. In my panic, I saw the Cater-Roaches. They saw me, and then started approaching us - approaching me.

I only remember screaming, and running away with blood on my hands. I guess I got it when I tried to fight them. The boys were found, almost having bled to death. They pinned the blame on me. That I did that to them. But I knew what had happened. The Cater-Roaches had protected me. The news report claimed that the two guys were wounded by a heavy object, but I remember clearly that I didn’t defend myself. The Cater-Roaches did. They were my friends.

After the incident, everyone I saw regarded me with strange looks. They were scared of me. Even Lin.

“You have to understand that people are scared of you now. Everyone knows that you did it.”

“I didn’t do it. It wasn’t me.”

“Well it couldn’t have been anyone else.”

I didn’t say anything, I just walked away. They would never get it. No one would. But for once in my life, it didn’t matter. I finally had friends.

I would spend most days after school talking to them. We would mostly pick empty spaces, or spaces with few people around. Empty parking lots. Abandoned buildings. Park benches hidden away in corners. They explained to me that they never tried to hurt me; they were only trying to protect me. I believed them.

Theirs was a strange language. Their mouths would move, but no sound would come out. But I knew what they were saying. I just knew. Our friendship was just that strong, I guess.

They told me their story. About how they have always wanted to help people, but were hunted down by them instead. So they stopped showing themselves to everyone. Except me. Because they knew I would never hurt them.

As the months passed, I started preferring their company more and more. I dropped out of school and instead wanted to spend the rest of my life with them, going around the world.

Of course my parents forbade me. Always preventing me from living the life I want, and now not letting me have any friends. I hate them. I hate them all so much. I hate everyone.

I went crying to the Cater-Roaches. They told me to calm down, that everything would be alright, that everything would be fine after I die.

“Death?”

Yes. Death. Death is freedom.

“But.. I won’t be able to see you after I die!”

No. You will still see us. You will still talk to us. In fact, there is a small chance you might even be reborn as us. You can be one of us.

Do it. You know you should. These people aren’t worth living for. Die for us, and be one of us.

And so I decided I would. I would take my life. It was an easy decision, really. But not without telling the world the truth. How much it has hurt me, forced me to suffer in silence because they could not handle the truth I spoke. Starting with my parents. Especially my parents. I pity them, honestly. They live such sad miserable lives. All of them. Never rising above this pitiful existence. But I’ll show them. I’ll show them all. Never again will I be looked at as “crazy”. Never again will I be the “other”. I’ll show them all what the truth is.

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Oct 8th, 2013

I just thought I would come back and finish this. One last time. Whatever happened was for good. It was for the best, I think. I see it. I see it now. And I’m beyond grateful for Aunt Sue, for everything she did for me. I couldn’t finish highschool, but since I only dropped out 2 months before I graduated, the school was willing to help me with applications. It was unfortunate what happened to me, they said. They were willing to help me, to make amends, and to be there for every student. I got a diploma. And a job. I’ll be moving out. It feels like my life can finally begin.

I miss the Cater-Roaches sometimes, even now. But I understand that they were never real. Having real friends is scary, but I’m getting used to it. I’m getting used to talking, especially to my therapist. It’s been terrifying but I feel like I’m no longer scared and confused all the time.

I can look up at the sky again, and it is bright and clear, just as I hope the rest of my life will be.

By Uthpala M L