Unresolved

By Ragni

“It’s weird and absurd that how to communicate or tell my feeling I have to write a letter.

Funnily it may look very stupid of me. But I remember you stating that you are comfortable

reading letters and books rather than messages. So yes, here it is” thought Trisha when she

decided to pen down a big letter for a friend who she fought with.

The pain that she felt had no name, because she actually never had a heartbreak or a

breakup, in fact she was a happily married woman with a beautiful house, supporting

husband Arjun and really nice in laws. A so-called perfect household as per Indian standards.

So then was she lonely? No, she wasn’t, she had a gang of best friends who were always

standing by her side and she also had a fulfilling career. She was heading the R&D

Department at a known pharmaceutical company. This pain that she was experiencing was

unknown to her and also no one, including her best friends, could explain what she was

going through. Arjun being a very supportive husband, handled her, wiped her tears but did

feel a little bad at a point seeing how vulnerable Trisha had become.

One thing was very perfectly understood that a fight with one close friend is much worse

than an actual break up. Married to high school sweetheart Trisha never faced rejection.

This was her first and that too from a friend, who actually didn’t really make much of a

difference to her life in general. It was 3 months of silence and multiple attempts to get back

her friend that she finally was on the verge of giving up and decided to write this letter to

Krushna as the last communication. Just like the name, quite similar to the nature of the

lord, he was playful but also very serious. The proverb “Still waters are deep” suited him.

Very responsible, punctual, super hardworking, hardly laughing were his attributes. She was

an absolute extrovert, whereas he an introvert; she kept giggling and chit chatting, whereas

he hardly spoke to people around; she was easy to talk too and he was too distant from

being called approachable. Two absolutely different people, happy and satisfied in their own

lives never knew that this may be one of the most cherished relationship of their lives, at

least from one side.

A year and a half back Trisha joined this organization where he was heading the accounts

department. Her science was her passion, and did not know any of math and he a player of

numbers and finances that she seldom understood. Different departments and very rare or

negligible interactions were the perfect cocktail combination for them to not even know

each other’s existence, let alone be friends. While writing the letter, Trisha tried very hard

to remember the very first interaction and she couldn’t. The strongest of her memory was

she teasing him to credit the salary before time, enacting to cry and sob about the month

end. Krushna was three years younger to her, yet she started calling him ‘SIR’, she was

playful and maybe out of embarrassment he interacted saying “Kya Madam” and maybe

that was the icebreaker. Soon they started exchanging hellos and smiles while walking

through the corridors and random passing by. All the memories just flashed and Trisha

dropped a tear. She was brutally dragged back to the present, when her team member,

Kriti, broke her thoughts for a quick discussion. After the discussion and finishing the urgent

tasks at hand, she managed to steal some time off from work, switch off the work mode and

sit for some minutes. Her mind was running a race with multiple things on her platter. Silent

from outside but cyclonic from inside, she burst into tears. Sitting in the conference room,

she wiped her tears and began to write her grief, emotions and pain in her laptop. It was an

absolute emotional rollercoaster ride for her. She thought, introspected and replayed

multiple scenes in her head, multiple moments that they had spent, 1000s of conversation

they had. Always confident and never-lose-hope being her personality traits; this was a very

different and broken-kind of a feeling she had. Perseverance was her biggest asset and

maybe that is why after multiple failed attempts, reanalysing each scene, she decided to

write the letter as a last resort.

She had multiple questions that were running in her head. She had no source of

communication with Krushna as she was blocked from all apps, social media and from calls

too. More than the pain of being rejected, rude dismissal or a loud fight, she was upset on

unanswered questions, no reasoning and for being ghosted. Every day she thought of

herself a little less. It was very difficult for her to even pass by the same corridor in the fear

that he may pass too and looking at him she would burst out crying. None the less she

started her letter with her very first thought that maybe she was too emotional to be his

friend and he may not be very receptive for that kind of warmth. In subtle words, she

cynically mentioned that he was cold-hearted.

It was difficult for her to pen down every event, every question, every feeling she felt, she

had so many. They had been on multiple dinners, group outings etc. She finally chose 2

major dynamic-changing events, which were a turning point for her. Krushna was always the

compliment giver, sometimes genuine and sometimes extremely cheesy. Those

compliments made Trisha smile and even today in between tears, she did have that smirk

when those good memories flashed by. Day dreaming about the past, she started jotting

down the first game-changer interaction. The Pre-Diwali night at McDonalds. To put down

everything on a letter was very difficult because being concise was not her strongest

pursuit.

While typing it down, multiple question popped up in her head, the questions that had been

asked by many. WAS IT LOVE? Had she ousted her marriage and was she looking for

something outside from her fairy-tale love story with Arjun. But she had her answers, she

may not have been sure if this friendship will survive the brutality or no, but she definitely

was very sure about what she felt for Krushna. She knew that this was never the classic love,

the Bollywood love, where they say that a guy and a girl can never be friends. But she

definitely knew that what she had for Krushna was very pure, was immense, was same as

Krushna and Sudama, a friendship with no bounds, the understanding, the words in silence

and the unsaid emotions. Krushna like his name, always believed in uplifting others and

maybe that is why he filled up the void in Trisha’s life. Trisha, the always happy and laughing

soul, always missed her mom who she lost in a brain haemorrhage 4 years back. Her mom

was the only one who uplifted her and maybe that is why the Pre-Diwali at McDonalds was

a game changer in this friendship. Krushna pushed Trisha through her darkest phase, she

was having a hard time with her CEO and was questioned on her working ways. Post office

Diwali celebrations, she had a meeting with her CEO, the meeting turned out to be a

disaster and she was very frustrated. She barged out from the cabin with wet eyes and

Krushna was there in the office as usual working late hours. He just asked her if everything

was ok and she dismissed and said “yes all ok!” While heading back home they took the

same lift and very reluctantly on being asked for the second time, she did blurt out about

her argument with the CEO. After a good pause, he suggested to go to the nearby

McDonalds. She agreed, she really wanted to vent out. She was decked up for her Diwali

party in a beige and grey salwar suit and he in his yellow kurta with embroider neck and

Chinese collar. She never knew why she even attempted to wear high heels, when in the

end, she would hold them in hand and walk barefoot. McDonalds was at a walking distance,

she walked barefoot while he followed on his bike. It was hot as hell, the McDonald’s AC

had broken down, she was dripping sweat and tears, both washed her makeup in parts,

making her face patchy. She in an angry-sad voice, explained Krushna what she was going

through. He kept staring her, and despite the horrible crying patchy face, he said “Kya mast

explain karti hai tu.” Krushna knew, her work made Trisha happy and asked her stupid and

basic work-related questions, which eventually lessened her sorrow. He knew what to say

and when, he had an impressive timing and BANG ON! Krushna unknowingly told Trisha

what exactly her mom would say to her. The statement as quoted “TU TO DR. TRISHA HAI,

KUCH BHI KAR SAKTI HAI. TERI ENGLISH AND AWAAZ SE ACHHE ACHHE SUPPLIER LINE PE AA

JAAYENGE.” Yes! She was a Ph.D holder; therefore, the prefix Dr. She still said this to herself

when she couldn’t achieve something. It was that moment where she knew that in this

office after 1 whole hard-working year, she finally found someone who she felt more than a

colleague and she found a good friend. Otherwise she thought who in this corporate world

has time to uplift others, go for dinners or even talk? And she thought yes, he can be the

friend she wanted in those empty laugh-less, hard 9 hrs of the day. Back then she didn’t

realise why she enjoyed Krushna’s company, maybe their wavelengths matched or was it

the motivation or was it the fact that they could talk for hours? She always had that

question. She unknowingly made him a part of her family. In her world, Krushna was a

permanent part of her life. Post that event, the friendship grew, there was laughter during

lunch, casual jokes and happiness.

Trisha didn’t even realise how she started banking up on him emotionally or even started to

consider him a very good friend to share the nitty gritty of life. Slowly but Krushna started

feeling caged. Not very commitment-type, more like a free bird, Krushna never gave a close

look in his life to anybody, let alone be it in a professional set up. Krushna always had his

boundaries set. He was always sure what he wanted. He hated getting close to people,

never let people intrude his life or rarely made friends. His life outside the office and inside

the office were 2 starkly different worlds. For Krushna, Trisha was just another women

whom he knew and by nature he would have helped anybody even if it was not her. This

was not understood by Trisha, she thought she was special and the only friend he had in the

office. Yes, Krushna never laughed with anyone else like he did with her. She definitely knew

way too much more about him than others. But had she felt it all wrong? This was the

question that continuously ruined her mental peace. Krushna was never vocal about how he

felt, rather he subtly did give her hints about the feeling of being trapped by the over caring

nature of Trisha. But Trisha being herself, didn’t take it seriously and continued doing what

she did. She never thought that caring for someone can be problematic too.

Until now while penning down her thoughts, she only thought the good ones, and then in

her head collated all the bad ones too, like the one in December. Trisha had just randomly

got Krushna a t-shirt, not very expensive just a casual gift. For Trisha it meant nothing, she

loved gifting people and it was her way of saying that the other person meant something. In

fact, she bought gifts for other too in the office, who she was in good terms with. Krushna

clearly denied the gift and said that he doesn’t take it. She tried a lot to convince him but

nothing worked. She was heartbroken yet again. She cried; she felt an excruciating pain with

no explanation. To gift somebody, it took a lot of effort, to see the colour, the liking of the

person, to think the usability, she had spent a considerable time on it. What she didn’t

understand was that she was giving out wrong vibes to him, she was behaving like a red flag

and overwhelmed him, she came out to be a clingy person. She was too naïve to

understand this feeling of his, all she remembered was how hurt she was. That night they

both had a small chat where he called her filth and a mess creator. He told her how she was

ruining a good friendship by getting emotionally attached and he didn’t have time for her

life’s emotions. He also told her how she was not at all his best friend the way she thought

of him. It was not a 2-way street. That night was terrible for her, she had a major anxiety

attack, she shivered throughout the night and despite the AC and the fan being off, she was

feeling cold. It was one of the many anxiety attacks post her mom. Only her husband Arjun,

was there to witness this state of her that night. Arjun caressed her, told her that it was ok,

and hugged her throughout the night to keep her warm and made her sleep. Even after all

this she tried to remain friends and it did become normal. For some weird reasons, she

never had ego or even self-respect when it came to him. Soon things were back to normal,

there were coffees being ordered in office, small waffle treats post lunch and sometimes

post-office long chats that lasted up to 45 mins. Krushna did say sorry to Trisha in the

beginning of the new year for what he did in December for the gift she got for him. And it

was all ok for her. She said “when we make friends, it comes with acceptance of how the

other feels,” she didn’t know her feelings were not yet accepted and Krushna was not sorry

for what he did but was sorry for how he put it forth. She was the forgiving type; she valued

the person more. For her, Krushna’s help was much larger than the insults he was giving her.

She always thought that people always hurt others, what mattered was that some did stand

by when needed and yes Krushna was that person. Hence, the negatives were always

discarded by her brain, she only saw the positives. Her gut feeling was too strong for him

and she was sure that she didn’t want him to go. In the present day also it was difficult for

her to let go; hence, the letter. Everything in her head was running like a movie and she

went back to the most precious memory the overnight camping.

Amidst this hustle of the new year, Trisha along with her team, Kriti and Priya, and her sister

Hrida planned a camping night in the outskirts of Mumbai in the end of January. She invited

Krushna to join in. Krushna initially agreed and then decided to back-off, but finally after lot

of cajoling he gave up and agreed to join the girl gang! When Trisha began to write about

the camping night, she actually fell short of words. Expert in English, lost her vocabulary and

had goosebumps; she was speechless or let’s say wordless. The plan was made, it was a

Sunday morning, she was to pick up all and drive to the camping spot. She was all excited

and scared both. For the first time, her sister Hrida was to meet Krushna. While listening to

Trisha’s daily eventful office stories, she didn’t really have high regards for Krushna and she

was partially not ok for Trisha to be so gaga about this friendship. Nonetheless, being a

supportive younger sister, Hrida did accompany Trisha for the camping. With heartbeat

racing, excitement, planning and everything in a mix, the trip started with a bang, where

Krushna gets late so much that the girl gang feared for him to not turn up. But he did! Trisha

was happy. For few minutes her faith did wobble on him, but her gut feeling was always

strong for this friendship. It was a normal travel day with some songs, breeze and fun.

Krushna and Trisha both loved stars, and that night particularly was a cold, beautiful starry

night. The sky was crystal clear, each star was shining bright. It was mesmerizing. No

pollution, clear sky, the rustling river water nearby, the smell of earth, everything was

serene. By the tents, under the fairy lights the shamiana for dinner was setup. It was a chilly

night; the barbeque was set and paneer was on the roast. After a tiring day of swimming in

the river and mud bath, all 5 decided to drain themselves in a little alcohol. Krushna had

always mentioned that he quit drinking alcohol years back; but Trisha, Hrida and Trisha’s 2

team members Kriti and Priya were all set. Trisha as usual started with her rum, her all-time

favourite. She was always in control when she knew she was the responsible one. Out of the

5 people, she was the eldest, it was her inherit quality to behave the prim and proper. That

night she did loosen up, but she was a little tactful and conscious because of Hrida. Trisha

desperately wanted Hrida’s approval on Krushna. Trisha didn’t know why was it so

important for her best friends, Hrida and Arjun to approve of this friendship. Maybe

because she knew it deep down that he was way too different than all her other friends, this

was a little more intense and yes in a very short span she was emotionally dependent on

someone who was so distant and cold. That night particularly the temperature dropped to

6℃. For anyone staying in a city like Mumbai, which is full of chaos, this temperature is a

little harsh for them. Midway the barbeque dinner, Krushna started having chills, he was

not consuming alcohol and comparatively was feeling more cold than others. No one was

expecting that kind of temperature drop to carry any warm clothes. Krushna alone had a

denim jacket but it was hardly of any use to him, he had bathed enough in the cold river

water in the day time. Hrida suggested that Krushna should have a little Rum as a coping

mechanism to the temperature drop. Krushna did not agree at first, but after seeing his

condition, all the four girls practically forced him to do so. He gave up and had the rum.

Krushna was feeling better. Who gets to enjoy such nature, when they stay in a city full of

hustle? The camping was in a small village between the woods, where the electricity was

always meek. That night also the electricity went off for few minutes. All they could

experience were the stars. The sky was so bright, it felt like thousands of pearls were

scattered in the dark blue sky. All of them were a little happy high, be it the weather or for

the alcohol. For once, Hrida forgot her mission and immediately lied down on the brick floor

to look at the dangling pearls of sky. Looking at her all others followed the suit. Hrida maybe

hard headed but she too was very soft by heart and she really cared for Trisha. For many

years now, they both were the only one they had. In that moment it so happened that they

all lied down in a sequence that was descending order of their age. Unplanned, starting with

Trisha, then Krushna, Hrida, Priya and Kriti. They stared at the sky. Suddenly every thought

that was hitting Trisha’s brain had vanished, she was just lost in the moment. For once she

didn’t think about her husband, her house, or for the matter of fact that she was lying next

to Krushna, until his hand reached for her. Krushna genuinely held her hand, got it near his

chest and thanked her for getting him there. He exclaimed “let this night be crazy, I love u.”

That was the exact moment when Trisha was so sure that she alone was not craving for this

friendship but he felt that warmth too. Saying I love you was never a big deal for Trisha.

Trisha belonged to a modern world where she understood that love can happen between

friends too and it is very different from the love that you have for a life partner. She knew

the difference between she loving someone and she being in love with someone. She said

“Thand lag jaayegi chal ooth and yes, I love you too.” It got converted into a Bollywood

music night, singing songs around the camp fire and enjoying the beauty of the nature. They

were up singing till 4 am, they forgot they had to report to office the next day. It was one

amazing night with so many memories and a sleepy day ahead for all of them. It was all

beautiful, surreal and unimaginable; until Hrida had pointed out that the “I love you” from

Krushna was just the alcohol speaking and was never his true feelings for her. Why don’t

people see things as they are and why every situation had to be analysed was what exactly

Trisha’s thoughts when she was writing the whole incident in the letter.

Soon they became the gossip of the office, people from other departments, started

whispering about what was cooking and started speculating multiple things. Once a member

of sales team asked Trisha “Kya chal raha hai madam, Krushna to sirf tere saath hasta hai” to

which Trisha snapped “Arre mera extra marital affair hai, please kisiko batana mat.” She

knew how to shut the mouths of gossip mongers without getting offended. She knew that

despite working in the same organization for 6 years, Krushna had no friends in the office

and she took pride of the fact that she was his closest buddy in the office and maybe this is

where she was wrong! Krushna on other hand became more conscious, maybe Trisha was

too boisterous for him. Then there were many small events that did happen over next 2

months where she thought friendship grew even stronger. She started banking on him even

more. She categorically remembered it was March 12 th , that she was in an urgent financial

situation. Trisha’s in laws had a minor road accident and the car was heavily damaged, it

needed repairs. Trisha needed some financial help and she called Krushna. Her husband

Arjun, had very high self-respect to ask anyone for financial help. All other friends that she

had were common to both Trisha and Arjun and hence, she called Krushna. It was a

Saturday; they had a weekly off. She didn’t even think once that it was the month of march,

the year ending for the accounts department. Everyone in India understands that this

month is the financial year end and people associated with accounting and finances have a

very hectic month. Trisha messaged Krushna, she waited for a reply. She called him too, she

thought he will be of help. She called him at 2pm after waiting for 3 hrs of messaging him.

Funny, the mobile applications these days make you feel even more lonely when there is

blue tick and no reply from the receiver. She waited, the clock kept ticking and she waited,

finally at 8pm she pinged him again and he said he was in a meeting since morning. Yes! It

was a working Saturday for him unlike everyone else in the office. But what annoyed her

was he didn’t have 2 mins for his so-called friend to reply back to the text or ask her what

was it that she desperately called for. None the less, she waited for him to reply on Sunday

and yes, her wait was all in vain. She felt betrayed and she thought what kind of a friend he

was to not be useful in dire help. She felt broken. She returned back to work on Monday,

she deliberately showed Krushna that she was angry, didn’t speak much and also was acting

curt, thinking that he would realise the change in behaviour and would ask her, but he

didn’t. The next day 15 th March, Tuesday, she finally confronted him that why didn’t he had

time to at least call back or even ask about it on Monday. He immediately snapped back. He

said “Who are you to me for you to ask these questions? Are you my girlfriend? Don’t you

have any other friends who you could ask for help? Why are you sticking around me? You

are an adult and you should be able to tackle your own problems.” He added “I don’t have

for your emotional drama; I have decided to not talk to you any further.” This shattered her

into pieces. Her heart was scattered all over the floor, she felt extreme anxiety, she was

shivering again, she was breathless. She lost someone important again, she lost someone

who uplifted her, she lost that one friend she had in those horrible 9 working hours. She lost

a lot that day. Krushna stopped having lunch with her, stopped talking to her. Even

professionally, however little but if they had work, it was through team members. Maybe

she was never his friend, it was all in her mind. Maybe he did realise the curt behaviour but

thought to his head that it was better this way. Maybe he was too jacked up with work.

Those were all the questions she had, she penned them down in the most artistic way so as

to not annoy him when he reads the letter. For her Krushna was emotionally crippled,

maybe she thought some part of his life were sad, which he didn’t share and maybe that is

why he was the way he was, maybe someone broke his trust, maybe he had his heart

trapped in a wall and etc. Trisha analysed every angle, every action, every word and 80%

defending him in her own head. She thought that if she kept pouring love, care and

friendship, it will act like a stream of water to weather away the hard rock! She always

wanted to see him happy, having a fulfilled life and a complete family with a wonderful life

partner and be a successful person in life. She always wished good for him.

She had all these questions that she typed:

ARE YOU SCARED OF LETTING SOMEONE SO CLOSE?

OR YOU GOT TOO ATTACHED TO ME?

OR YOU THOUGHT I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU?

All these questions annoyed her and she had no answers and she kept them in the letter.

Frankly, she expected him to be angry for 10-15 days, and maybe things will sort out once

march was over. Krushna seemed very balance, but when it came to his work, he sure knew

his priorities.. So, Trisha thought maybe he was angry, stuck with work and she was the

punching bag. She gave him every chance, every thought and every defence in her head and

finally with no logical reasoning she completely broke down. One week passed and she

decided to call him, he very casually mentioned that he was sure he didn’t want to be

friends anymore.. She asked all her friends, Arjun, Hrida and to everybody who was even

just an acquaintance. Putting herself out to various people to know the perspective was very

difficult for her. Being a scientist, she had an inherit quality of understanding why something

didn’t work well, she could actually jot down various possibilities of the current scenario and

also put and hypothesis and a possible statistic of what went wrong. It was hurting,

weekends went amazing, office days were horrible. Soon March got over and she tried to

talk to him, and eventually was blocked from WhatsApp too. In this whole mess she realised

one thing that maybe it’s time to learn to do things alone, not every place she is in, she

needs to have friends. It was a difficult realisation, knowing that she will be able to survive

even if alone and also excel if no one ever motivated her. It was like a road to self-discovery.

In those 3 months, she did many things that she wouldn’t have done otherwise, she started

reading books again, she watched nonsensical stand-up comedies on YouTube again and

again so that her mind would wander off the broken friendship, started making weird reels

on Instagram and etc. In fact, one life changing event of her life, was that she went on her

first solo trip. Initially scary but then liberating was what she felt. Today after 3 months of

multiple attempts and almost ready to let go, she was typing the letter today as a last

goodbye. Initially she thought, she will write it and burn down the paper to release all the

negative she had in her mind, yes, she was a little filmy like that and way too dramatic.

Ideally anyone would have thought of their self-respect first, she was made of something

different. She always believed in remembering the good in people and not equate it

whatever bad they did and remember who stood by when she was in need. Krushna had

stood by when required. No one knew but he did save her tax, despite the fact that they

were not talking. Again, this he would have done for anybody, but yeah, he did it for her

too. She only remembers the good. Not burning it, she decided that she will send this letter

to Krushna. Few questions that were mentioned in the letter that lingered in her mind were:

1. Was I not worthy to understand your state of mind? because if u could open up

this much, I am sure, you were comfortable with me

2. Didn’t for once u missed me or my thought crossed your mind?

3. For once aisa nahi laga ke chhod jhaali hai lekin apni dost hai? Or I was never your

friend!

She was sceptical on the outcome of the letter, but nonetheless she wanted to do it so

that she could be free. Her last lines from letter were:

I know you are a good person, but being rude is very wrong. I don’t think I deserved this. I

deserved at least an explanation, a closure, an answer to what happened to the beautiful

friendship we had? I didn’t deserve to be blocked from everywhere. I didn’t deserve to be

ghosted. I deserved better. I don’t think I was bad to you ever.

At this point, I will never ask you to be my friend again, it is your choice, but remember I

will always be your friend and be it anytime in this lifetime, I will just be a call away.

With this she ended the letter and she meant every word she typed; she had poured her heart out.

Yes, some parts did seem like an ex-girlfriend’s writing, but she knew it felt much worse. And now

the question had arisen on how to give him the letter. He wouldn’t accept anything from her. So, she

gave it to him via her office boy. It was 9 th June when he was given the letter. She was anxious, she

didn’t even know if the letter was read, thrown, torn or worse just kept ignored. All she knew was

the fact that she had eliminated all her worries, questions, feelings on that virtual paper and left it

on the universe to decide its fate!

By Ragni