Trying to Make Sense of Things - By Nikiwe Beauchamp

Written By: Nikiwe Beauchamp

Category: Essay (narrative)

Competition: Global Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026

Nikiwe Beauchamp presents a captivating narrative essay titled "Trying to Make Sense of Things" as part of the Global Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026. In this reflective piece, Beauchamp delves into the intricacies of employment and its profound impact on personal identity and emotional well-being. Exploring the themes of stability, routine, and self-discovery, the essay invites readers to ponder the complexities of relationships-both professional and personal. With its evocative narrative style, the essay offers an introspective journey into the challenges and triumphs of navigating life's uncertainties.

About the Work

"Trying to Make Sense of Things" is a poignant exploration of the emotional landscape surrounding employment and its pervasive influence on personal life. Through a metaphorical narrative, Nikiwe Beauchamp illustrates the intricate dance between stability and freedom, responsibility and self-care. The essay's introspective tone and vivid imagery paint a compelling picture of the emotional highs and lows experienced in the pursuit of a balanced life. This thoughtful reflection encourages readers to consider the fine line between professional success and personal well-being.

Trying to Make Sense of Things

Original Submission by Nikiwe Beauchamp

Trying to Make Sense of Things

Have you ever revelled in the madness? The madness of a pattern so well known to too many, and how much it consumes insidiously, quietly, slowly. But, it always consumes.

Employed and unemployed. I’ve tasted both, laid in bed with them for a long time, both refusing to let me go even though the relationship is way past its expiration date. But, the longer you linger, the longer their claws seep in. Their voices are always loud in my head. Their influence is ever present.

“Baby, where are you going? You can’t leave. Not with the stability and routine I bring into your life. What about your sense of purpose? Does that mean nothing to you?” he leans into me, caressing my skin.

“Of course you’re important to me, Employment. Of course, I need you. Where would I be without you?” I placate him, trying to calm him down.

Why am I doing this anyways?

Why am I trying so hard to keep him when things clearly aren’t working? Sure the benefits are nice, who doesn’t like financial stability, or at least a semblance of it. Because while he could give me more, he only ever gives me the bare minimum. And yes, having a routine and having a list of stuff to do does provide the structure that I have missed before I met Employment.

But, he’s never stopped to check if I was ever enjoying myself. He’s always so quick to remind me of what he brings, and how much he gives.

“Do you know how many people want me? In South Africa alone, millions of young people want me. Unemployment is screwing them over like the miserable partner he is, and I’m here with you, isn’t that enough?” He holds me closer. Tighter.

He says this to everyone he gets with.

“I hear you. I just wish you’d listen to my side of things.” I try pointlessly to get out of his grasp.

This is where things usually get tricky. Whenever I bring up my feelings, he tries to play innocent and butter me up, as if he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“But babe,” he tilts my head up, cupping my face in his hands. “Just think about it: with me around you can buy whatever you want…” he whispers in my ear, “You get to be financially free, who doesn't like having money, huh? And more than that, you can stop being a burden to everyone around you now that you can take care of yourself.”

All the sweet words he said to me when we first got together, I have to admit, they are effective. Although, there is some sobering up that comes with financial responsibility. It can’t always be about fun and material gain. He likes to pretend Cost of Living Crisis doesn’t exist, but I’ve seen them holding hands before. They’ve got an odd relationship. Interesting how he never brings her up.

I try to push back with logic and reason. Employment’s not perfect, no version of him is. Because while yes, buying things I want here and there is fun, helping out financially around the home is somewhat fulfilling, but what about the damage he’s very capable of. While he whispers his sweet words of promises and goals in my ear, his deadline pressure hands wrap around my waist.

While he passionately trails kisses down my neck about independence and new opportunities, I feel burnout coursing through my veins, the intensity of it making my heart race.

I try to push him off, but the lack of motivation and productivity keep me where I am. The constant shouting and lack of psychological safety make me question everything, but keep me rooted in fear. The persistence of a toxic work environment locks my muscles in place, and makes my breathing erratic.

The darker parts of his personality that he’s always trying to keep hidden.

Some days are good and some aren’t. Some days he yells at me until I’m frozen. Other times we laugh together. It’s not always fight or flight, sometimes it’s just freeze. Did you know that?

“I can’t do this anymore…” I start.

I know he won’t take it well. “How many times have you made me cry? How many times have I woken up next to you, completely dreading having anything to do with you? Ever since we got together, I’ve stopped enjoying my life. You won’t even leave me alone on the weekends. I can’t always be available for you yet that’s what you always demand.”

Let me be clear: he wasn’t always like this. There was a time a few years ago when he was so good to me. Yes, we had our ups and downs, struggles and fights, as all relationships do, but I did have fun. I learned and I felt a lot safer back then than I did a few months ago.

Something about him completely consumed me this time. I thought we’d get to know each other at a reasonable pace, that I’d get to learn how he liked it, and he’d learn how I worked too. I thought we’d work well together since we’d interacted a few times and had a chance to collaborate before. We had so much in common this time, more than we had last time. But once I finally committed to him, I found out immediately that the work-life balance he stroked down my body was a lie. I’d wake up every morning with him suffocating me with demands and tasks before even having breakfast.

I operated with a nervous system constantly on fire and my mind always aware, trying to be ready for anything and everything. I didn’t want to be too slow for him. I didn’t want to disappoint him so soon. He chose me over so many others, I should make this work.

Right?

For a while that’s what I thought. Just keep pushing, keep taking everything he throws at me. If I’ve been working all day but to him it looks like fooling around, apologise and just take it. Keep working. Even when it feels like I can’t do anything right, that I’m always doing something wrong, just take it.

Because honestly without him, what can I do?

If I leave Employment what will I have?

A sense of safety again, sure, but what about the routine? What about the salary I lose if I leave him?

It shouldn’t have to be this way. Why should I have to choose between him and my health and well being? I wish things could’ve been different between us, but in the end I chose to walk away.

I thought about it, cried about it, tried and tried again. I did my best in a bad situation, but ultimately, something in me clicked and I knew I couldn’t stay any longer. Employment and I parted ways, he was sad to see me go, but ultimately we left things professionally. Our ending was a calm one. It was a good one.

As much as I knew I made the right choice for myself, a part of me kept asking:

Have I made a huge mistake? Maybe I was too rash to end things the way I did. Maybe I was being too sensitive. But in the midst of all those ‘maybes’, my head felt clearer than it had for weeks. Calmness returned to me. I felt like I could live my life at my own speed again without adjusting to someone else’s.

I felt like myself again.

I felt free.

I felt happy.

I felt sad.

Some days I cried with shame and regret.

Some nights I couldn’t sleep at all.

What had I done?

That question screamed at me over and over.

Xxx

When I felt myself sinking, I decided to see a friend. I’d been toying with the idea for a while, but after some encouragement from the outside, I decided to make the call.

My friend Therapy, I hadn’t spoken to her in literal years. I didn’t know what to expect when I asked to see her again. Would things be the same? Of course, not. Years had gone by, but I still held on to hope that some familiarity would be there.

When the day finally arrived for me to see her, she looked different. Definitely not the same person I’d shared my darkness with last time, but a friendly face nonetheless. She was calm and understanding, she allowed me to take my time and recount events I was comfortable with.

We talked and we laughed, sometimes I cried and she’d comfort me. Our time never felt enough, but ultimately she did help me get back on my feet.

I was nervous, afraid to share my experience about Employment. His wounds are still fresh in my mind and my body very much remembers. I remembered how tense I got when I had to tell others about him. How much I had fake smiled about how great the opportunity was being with him. I’d wanted him for so long, it shouldn’t be possible to regret getting with Employment. And to be honest, laying my story bare, it made me feel like a failure, the relationship was short, couldn’t I have just held on a bit longer?

Just how weak am I to walk away so fast? Don’t you know there are so many others who would die for that opportunity?

So damn ungrateful.

I couldn’t say all that to my good friend Therapy, but I gave her a watered down version. I thought I was terrible for giving up but she gave me a new perspective.

Leaving is scary, yes, and uncertainty isn’t fun, no, but now I know what I will and will not tolerate. Everyone has a limit, and it’s okay that I reached mine.

My body and mind may remember him and what he did to me, but I need to give myself grace. It takes strength, not weakness, to walk away from what doesn’t work.

That’s where that story ends.

So where does that leave me now?

Now I’m in the midst of something new.

A relationship I’ve been in before, but no two times are ever the same.

Unemployment has been with me for a few months now. Sometimes I enjoy being with him, and sometimes I don't. I enjoy the freedom and lack of stressful or performative busyness. Sometimes I enjoy waking up whenever and peacefully enjoying my hobbies without anything looming over me.

But that’s not all there is to it. He does get in my head sometimes. It’s true that there’s so much I can do now, but there’s also the crippling truth of how much I can’t do now. Sometimes the silence is deafening. The feeling of stagnation can do a number on your mind. Unemployment has helped me heal, but he can also add to the pain.

Some days I embrace him and we spend time together, and other times I spend a considerable amount of time on my phone scrolling, looking for Employment. And that’s not very good for my mind.

How is he doing? How are other people finding him? Is there a chance he and I could try again?

Will this cycle of madness ever end? Maybe if I can be on a permanent basis with Employment, in a way that doesn’t hurt me or inconvenience him.

Because honestly constantly jumping from Employment to Unemployment gets really exhausting, and there’s only so much inconsistency a person can take.

About the Competition

The Global Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026 by Hashtag Kalakar is a prestigious platform celebrating diverse voices in literature. It provides writers from around the world an opportunity to showcase their creativity and insight through poetry, essays, and short stories. This competition fosters a vibrant community of literary enthusiasts and offers a global stage for emerging and established writers to share their unique perspectives and narratives.

We extend our heartfelt thanks to Nikiwe Beauchamp for sharing "Trying to Make Sense of Things" with us. Her essay, featured in the Global Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026, offers a profound reflection on the complexities of employment and personal growth. We appreciate her candid exploration of these themes, which resonate deeply with many. We look forward to seeing more of her insightful work in the future.

About Hashtag Kalakar

Hashtag Kalakar is a creative platform dedicated to providing artists, writers, singers and other creative talents with opportunities to showcase their work and reach wider audiences through competitions, features and creative initiatives.