The Last Hug

By Sai Sruthi.S

I sat there in silence with tears streaming down my face as I looked down at the bracelet clutched in my hand, deep in contemplation. The owner as well as the giver of its replica was a universe away from me. My heart clenched but my thoughts remained calm. I had drunk enough to numb the pain that was as fresh as it was 5 years ago. I remembered who we were, and who we no longer are, and that was probably the hardest realization I’d had so far. People keep telling me that the void she left behind would heal over time but my wounds are ripped apart every year on this wretched day. I remember this day,5 years ago like a vicious nightmare in vivid detail that keeps sinking its claws deeper into my conscience. I still remember her face, the indifference etched in it, as she uttered her final words to me. Her words pierce me even now but what hurts most is the knowledge that my farewell to her of all people would be the thing that haunted me in my darkest hours.

Five years ago

I fiddled at the loose thread at the end of my sweater as I sat in the backseat of the car that was driving me to the hospital. My heart pounded in my chest, my feet bouncing and my hands clammy, the anticipation of facing her familiar face, the duskish complexion, her kind brown eyes, and auburn hair, her beautiful smile, all of this overwhelmed as well as excited me. A part of me was just relieved to be finally meeting my person, my confidant, and quite literally the other half of me throughout my childhood and parts of my adulthood even though the circumstances were dire. Growing up, I and Adya were inseparable. We were the classic best friends who were made to sit next to each other in kindergarten and then just proceeded to be bonded for life, or so we thought. We shared everything but never saw a fault in it, in fact, everything felt incomplete until shared with the other. We were always there for each other, being each other’s anchors, safety nets, and whatnot. We were inseparable in the true sense of the word. She was the one who cheered the loudest when I got into my dream university even when she didn’t. She was the one who remained strong as I sobbed into her shoulder when it was time to leave for university. She simply tied a bracelet on my wrist and showed me an identical one on hers, this only made me want to cry more, so I did. We parted from each other with promises to not let the distance come in between us.

Throughout the first semester, we kept in regular touch and our friendship remained intact. However, I ached with how much I missed her to the point where our little conversations were painful to withstand as they could never be enough. She had always been the social one between the two of us. I often felt lost without her and struggled to gain friendships at the university. I never let my loneliness be known back home. I always painted quite the happy picture with just enough sadness spiked into it at places to avoid suspicion. My loneliness slowly enveloped me. It slowly infested my mind, and I resorted to substance usage in a self-destructive spiral. The numb reprieve that it bought me soothed my soul and calmed my mind. Eventually, I grew distant. It started with fewer phone calls with me reluctant to talk to anyone back home. I always made up some clever excuse and then went and drowned myself in my addiction. Adya was the first to catch up. My addiction had started to creep into my everyday mannerisms. During some of my sober hours, we spoke.

“Answer this honestly, are you OK? You do know I am always here for you right?”

“Y-yes? Why do you ask? Did something happen?”, and I panicked, I quickly made up some made-up excuse and soon cut the call. The idea of her discovering my secret was unbearable for me. I went and drowned myself in alcohol once again to numb the worries. I dodged her calls for a while by making some excuse or the other. Excuses soon turned into straight-up ignoring her calls, switching off phones, and whatnot. It worked for a while. Then one fine day, there was a knock on my door. My inebriated self tried to ignore the knocking. But the incessant sound never ceased no matter how much I willed it to stop. I finally stumbled my way to the door and wrenched it open in

annoyance. It took my mind several minutes to recognize the familiar face that stood before me. I was suddenly assaulted by an influx of emotions, the relief at seeing her comforting face had me overjoyed. I hugged her tight in an attempt to convince myself that it wasn’t a dream, that Adya was really standing before me. She never hugged me back. I slowly looked at her confused and saw her face. My memory of the day is hazy but I starkly remember the horror on her face, and that is when it struck me. I followed her line of vision as it took in the several alcohol bottles and cigarette stubs strewn around. She turned back and left without saying a word leaving me absolutely bewildered at the door.

I soon got a visit from my parents who were forcing me to go to rehab. I tried to defend myself with lame excuses at how it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. My parents in response told me that I was completely out of it when Adya visited. My memory failed me as they narrated to me how I was unresponsive to her attempts at making me alert, how she had desperately tried to talk to me as I had looked at her with blank eyes, lost in my mind. My parents won and it was decided that I would be in rehab over the summer break in an attempt to get my shit together. I succumbed to their demands then but a silent storm was brewing within me. And the easiest thing for me to do was blame Adya for everything. I was cold towards her whenever she tried to talk to me but she never gave up until I finally snapped.

“You ruined my fucking life, Adya!! I was so much happier before you decided to poke your nose into my business. You know what, I know what all of this is about, you are jealous” The hurt on her face egged me on, and I internally patted my shoulder and latched on to it. She attempted to defend herself but I cut her off again.

“Yes, jealous. I have always been better than you and you have always resented me for it. You could not even get into the university for god’s sake. You couldn’t stand my happiness and guess what Adya, you succeeded in ruining my life! Go pop a champagne bottle over your success.” I stubbornly ignored the hurt visible on her face and stormed out of the room with a sense of self-satisfaction.

I held on to my anger even during the initial phase of my treatment. Adya tried to reach out to me during my treatment but I ignored her attempts. And then the guilt and the magnitude of how wrong I was, crept in on me the more I approached recovery. The aforementioned anger was replaced by guilt, deep shameful searing guilt that suffocated me to the point where all I craved for was to be inebriated once more and to let the sting of alcohol numb my emotions. The mature thing to do would have been to apologize to her and explain myself but I took the coward’s way out. I ignored her furthermore and painfully watched as her feeble attempts came to a halt. And that is how I lost her, the cowardly way. That was over a year ago.

Now I am sitting in the backseat of a car as it drives me to the hospital that holds her. All the time that I was being an asshole to her, she’d been suffering silently from a malignant form of blood cancer. The doctors say that she doesn’t have much time left. My parents didn’t tell me this at Adya’s request as she felt I already had a lot on my plate. She thought of my well-being even when she was suffering. So, there I was in a feeble attempt to repent for my sins. I never expected her to wholeheartedly forgive me but nothing could have prepared me for her indifference. My first glimpse of her had me choking down a sob, she had lost all of her beautiful wavy auburn hair and her calm brown eyes had lost their spark. She looked like the very definition of someone who had everything taken away from them. Her eyes met mine and there was a flash of recognition in those eyes that had so often grounded me. This filled me with a fleeting sense of hope which was shattered as soon as she opened her mouth. “Don’t come close”

“Adya, I- “

“I regret you. I wish I’d never met you. You have always been a selfish person who never appreciated me for my worth. You are a void that sucks all the happiness from everything you cast your nasty shadow upon. I tried for you, but you were never worth it. And now I know that. So, please for once in your life do the right thing and leave!”

So, I left believing every syllable uttered by the person who knew me best. She passed away that evening making our conversation one of her last words. It felt like she’d held on to her life just to deliver her final verdict on me.

Present day

I didn’t have any alcohol left. I looked at the grave before me that held her underneath as I placed a bouquet of orchids, her favorite flower with a tiny letter, and our bracelets tucked into it. I wondered if she would have forgiven me if we’d had more time. The answer was no. I reminisced over all the sweet and sour aspects of our friendship as I climbed the steep hill nearby. I look at the endless valley before me as I take the final step forward. The wind washing through me gave me a sense of calmness I hadn’t felt in the last 5 years. I close my eyes and imagined the wind to be her hug and let it envelop and numb me to the impact when I finally hit the ground.

By Sai Sruthi.S