The Fragmented Heart

By Tania Basak

You have no idea what I feel inside. You have no idea what I am going through.You have no idea what you have made me. Tell me, do you still take sleeping pills? cause sometimes you can't sleep and start tossing and turning throughout the night and I used to ban you everytime. Remember? Do you still read those horror books before going to bed? Do you still keep watching friends? Do you still pray before going to sleep? Do you still jot down your thoughts before crashing out? Do you still wake up late in the morning? Do you still order your food online because you are so lethargic that can't even cook your own food. Do you still forget to take your medicines? I still remember that I used to remind you. Do you still write short stories? Have you started learning cooking? I still remember that dish which you had made for me for the first time but it was so atrocious that I couldn't eat and you became sad but somehow i managed. I really wanted to talk to you, i wanted to ask you but I didn't.

Do you really think that moving on is easy?I am asking you something.What? I really don't know what should I do? Should I be loving you whimsically or should I be loathing you swervily? If I am not wrong it was 18th november when you said, "Let's end this." And I was begging and wincing for your love like a droll when you avowed, "We can't force people to stay in our life.We can't force people to love us the way we want. We can't force people to choose us.Remember? You know, i have a dire habit of remembering everything. I don't forget easily.

"I really want to know that, is it a grote crime to trust people rashly?"

"Did I do something wrong by loving you unsanctifiedly?

"What?"I still remember the way you behaved, the way you blasphemed me. Just like you I was besseching like a clod, mewling my eyes out in front of you but you were simply scoffing at me, as if I was just a gagger . I had become completely bowled over seeing you and deemed how could she shove me off like this? And what did you say? You want to come back into my life? You want a second chance?

"Why?"

"Haven't you found my replacement?"

I screeched in pain and all of a sudden i had become yeasty.

you know what the droll part is? My maa once told me that, " Don't love someone so intensely because if you do, that means you are showing your flabbiness, which your loved ones may use it as a weapon to dash you off." But I didn't listen to her and would think, no you're not that type of girl, you will never kibble my heart but unfortunately I was proved wrong and you won this game.

"I am sorry. I need you." You yammered.

Now tell me one thing,

"Why do people promise when they can't keep their words?"You know what, You had loved a muppet guy, who once did every little thing just to make you happy, just to be with you, who used to wince like a nuts to see you, who would wait outside your office and sometimes sit in the bus stand for hours like a fucking mountebank, thinking when would you come and give me a tight hug. That numbskull guy knew that how fond you were of those cup cakes, kit-kat, lays and that's why he would fetch those things everyday,who would come up to you in one call, no matter how much he was swamped with his work, no matter how much he was pissed-off with his own problem, for him you mattered the most than everyone else in this world,who would always want to share his happiness only with you, whose day starts with you and ends with you, who would amass his pocket money so that, this imbecile guy could surprise you with gifts, just like my friends would do for their girlfriends. You know I used to ponder that what did I do? Didn't I make her happy? Why did she leave me? Did she find someone better than me?

You are someone who gave me unnumbered memories, who taught me that loving someone with all your heart doesn't mean that the person will be with you forever, never, they can leave us anytime. For me, it's hard to believe but the fact is you are not with me but it doesn't mean that I stopped loving you.No i can't detest you because there was a time when you mattered to me the most, when my world used to revolve around you. Yes I love you but I don't want you back in my life. Those tantalizing memories and innumerable silly fights had started rekindling when I saw you in the market. Some funny incidents started flashing up in front of my eyes when I heard you haggling with a shopkeeper and trust me I couldn't stop laughing seeing that scenario. I used to tease by calling you "Bargain hunter". Remember?

"Stop crying." I belted.

Can't you understand that I don't want you back. I know it's difficult for me to steer clear off you. Your smiling face keeps flashing up whenever I close my eyes. It's been two year, yes, it has been 1330 days but look at me, I am still that feather-brained whom you loved.

You dressed up yourself with a green kurti and blue jeans. If I am not wrong, it was the same dress you endued in our first date.You wore that nose pin, a black bindi and your favourite earings.I just couldn't take my eyes off because you were looking flexy in that green outfit but you did not put lipstick on your lip. I would ask you, "Why don't you use lipstick like other girls? And you told me, "No, i don't like lipstick." I really don't know why did I stand there? Why couldn't i feel anything? I went numb and was standing there like a clod and kept looking at your smiling face.I don't know why? I should have cried but I was obtuse, i was quiet, your eyes were sparkling with joy.I took out the wallet from my pocket which you had given me on our first valentines day. There is a pic of us where we looked unmeekly cute. It was our first selfie. You kept telling me to delete that because you were looking like a cute panda, your eyes looked puffy, your hair was messy.You kept hassling with me because you thought that it was not that good but for me it was slender.No, i didn't wrasse any of our pictures, i didn't thrap any gifts, i didn't incinerate that diary where I used to scrawl about us every night and guess what, i still scribble and I will keep doing that. And you still wear heels? Remember that incident where you had fallen and your ankle got sprained. You were clamoring like a 10 years old child and then I picked you up with my arms cause you couldn't walk.

"Why have you come here?"

"You left me for that guy. You were not happy with me."I screamed.

Doesn't that guy upbraid you for not taking care of yourself? Doesn't he love you the way I used to do? Doesn't he know which perfume you like the most? Does he hug you the way I used to clasp you when you would cry? Doesn't his hugs give you that warmth? Doesn't he know that you prefer lays over kurkure? Doesn't he know you like kitkat, not diary milk? Doesn't he know that you like pizza, not burger? Doesn't he caress your forehead when you drift off? Doesn't he lighten up your mood the way I used to do? Doesn't he know about your likes and dislikes? Doesn't he tell stories of lord krishna when you feel down in the dumps? I am sorry, i won't nettle you by telling all these shits but you know what is the funny and eccentric part about memories? Sometimes they make us cry like hell and sometimes they make happy.

"But you love me, how can you just sponge over everything?" You cried

Let me correct you, I had loved but you demolished this beautiful relationship.Oh my god! It seems you're weeping. No! I am not giving you any lecture, I am just trying to show you that what you have made me, I just want to make you understand that how it feels when our loved ones juggle us. Just look at me, I am not lamenting like that day but you are and it's very strange that it's not hurting me anymore, your tears don't weaken me like before, you have made me so much implacable and remorseless that I'm smirking seeing you crying. There used to be a time when I got scared to lose you but not anymore, and stop saying sorry, it won't heal anything. Can you gang up everything? Can you? If I say yes then you'll have another chance to hurt me again which I will not let it happen, You were just fondeling with me. I think this dumbass guy had loved you a little bit more, if he had loved like you, he wouldn't have been like this and and yes, you are dead to me.Yes, I am telling you the truth, you didn't even love me for a single moment. I still remember how did our first conversation start what did we ask each other first. It's quite bizarre thinking that I still have all those pictures in my phone gallery. I had tried scalding your gifts but then I thought, these are the things which will keep reminding me about my silliness.Our whatsapp chats, all those recordings, where I used to record our conversations and I would listen to those recordings later.

We have Immeasurable memories together.

You have forgotten everything, right? Oh! How foggy i am, ofcourse you have sponged over everything not from your memory but also from your life, you just hoffed me out.But why is this getting vexatious for me? I had tried effacing you from my mind, blotted you out from my heart the way you did but everything keeps roving in my thoughts, in my dreams. How could you blow those days? Don't you feel anything? Don't you have a heart? What? At times I smile, thinking that how could anyone be so relentless and inexorable? Believe me, if I were such an impassible and heartless like you, i wouldn't have been hurt so much.. you know my grandma always used to tell me, "You are totally unware of this brutal world, this is full of hoggish people, you'll never know that who is pretending, never. They always endue a mask of a good person." And I would think that these all are poppycocks; these can't be true but I have never envisioned in my entire life that whatever she would tell me those all were the truth. I used to live in an ivory tower until you had come into my life, where I had my own beliefs, own perspectives about love, about relationship but you proved me wrong. You have indoctrinated me not to trust anyone indiscreetly, not to love anyone unconditionally. No, I don't want to cry my eyes out for a fabler.You trifled with my emotions. Yes you are a pack of lies...

I know this anger, sulkiness will be gone oneday but you know what would i remember? The way you disgraced me in our last conversation, the way you bamboozled me, I had become totally gobsmacke thinking, "How did I love this girl?" i was panhandling you like a lazarus just to be with you, blubbering; but you left me for someone and that day you slayed everything. One thing was clear that I took you seriously but you had always taken me jokingly. and I thought we were in love and Inspite of knowing that you are bane to me, why do I keep contemplating about you like a loony? hoping that you'll call and tell me, I am sorry, i am not gonna leave you but no, you were defending yourself rather than saving our relationship. You know, sometimes I really feel down in the dumps, my heart sinks not beacuse we are not together anymore, not because you have been on my mind all the time, it's just that my efforts were not counterfeit,

I had embezzled my time.

"You have come here just because that guy left you. You want me in your life just because you understood that nobody can love you like me and you want a second Chance? People like you would never understand the meaning of, 'LOVE' 'TRUST' and 'LOYALTY' and don't deserve any fucking chance, NEVER. I am that fucking pinhead who kept frittering away his time, his emotions on you, on a bullshitter." I snapped.

By Tania Basak