The Empty Nest – How To Survive …or Even Thrive

By V. Ravichandran

As parents, we all go through a phase in life – a much dreaded phase – when our children who were with us all along and have meant everything to us, leave home for pursuing their own dreams – higher studies, jobs, marriage, etc.

For many parents, this phase in their lives is characterized by a pervading sense of loneliness. In many, it leads to boredom, depression, insecurity, a loss of purpose and in turn, deterioration of health.

Psychologists have spoken and written a lot as advice to parents on how to overcome the “empty nest syndrome”. As someone who has been through this in recent years together with my wife, I want to share our insights into this.

The moms especially find it difficult to handle the empty nest.

One mom had explained it beautifully: “The biggest change for me when my child was born and I became a mom was realizing that I needed to put someone else before me. Now, the hardest part about the empty nest is learning to put myself first, again.”

I am sure all moms reading this column would be able to empathize more than I do with this.

They may be relieved of the endless laundry, the music that numbs the teeth, or even the bottle of cap-less shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. Yet, they are upset because they have gone from being the supervisor of a child’s life to a spectator!

In our case, when our daughter left home for life at her college campus, I discovered to my surprise that my wife was handling the situation much better than I was! She seemed more in control of her emotions and composure.

Women undergo a major transformation in their lives when they get married and enter a new household. This strengthens their adaptability and their emotional balance. This probably explains their better preparedness in handling the empty nest syndrome. I have seen the manifestation of this strength in my wife.

I have, of course, seen her vulnerable side, too. On special days - and just the two of us- she would make a dish that is a favorite of our daughter, only to break into a cry when serving it at the dining table.

Again, when our daughter used to leave home after the semester-end breaks while in college, we used to go to the airport to see her off. I have seen my wife’s vulnerable side then. The last wave from our daughter before she disappears into the Immigration Counters - we stayed abroad then - would invariably breach my wife’s resolve and she would start crying and her eyes would still search for one last glance from our daughter!

As for my own experiences. I have found it very difficult to handle the vacuum created by our daughter moving away.This, in spite of having been mentally prepared for it for quite some years. Ultimately – and to my surprise – my wife had to console me to move on, during those “testing moments”.

One such moment was when our daughter moved into the campus hostel at the start of her stint at college. We went to leave her at the hostel. It was a “rude awakening” for me when I stepped inside the hostel’s main gate along with my daughter and my wife. The security guard stopped me in my tracks – Entry was a strict “No-No” for male members – even fathers! I simply could not reconcile to this sudden barrier between me and my daughter!

The next test – and a bigger one – for us was when our daughter got married a few years back to walk further away from us … into a new family and a new life!

I have learnt to say goodbye – again and again and again!

Just as I did when I taught her to ride a cycle when she was a kid, I have let her go - one finger at a time - until without her realizing, she was riding on her own…

Perhaps, that is what it means to be a parent, to teach your child to live without you!

One more positive that emerges out of this - You see much more of your kids when they leave home. Our daughter became more confident, self-reliant and decisive away from the protected environment of home. More importantly, her love and concern for us has not diminished during these years when she has been away from us.

How to overcome the empty nest syndrome?

Redefine yourself: The empty nest does not mean your life is over. It means it is time for you to fly, too!

Identify new roles to take on, new interests to explore or expand on your existing interests.

For example, reinvest in the relationship with your spouse and rekindle your romance.

Refocus on your career, become more active in the community

My wife took to music classes and Yoga that kept her occupied and content. I took to more reading, education counselling and public speaking. I even contemplated adopting a pet till my wife shot it down!

Be happy, be encouraging, be upbeat: Create an environment where your children would be happy to come back to, visiting. Not an environment of guilt trips and sadness. Be someone they want to be around with.

To sign off…let’s strive to give our children two gifts - the wings to fly and the roots to come back to. This would mark our success in overcoming the empty nest syndrome.

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By V. Ravichandran