That First Night

By A.J.R. Mennon

I turned twenty-two today

I cannot escape 

That I’m glacially sinking

Perhaps into the bed’s void being pulled

By a million hungry hands,

The muscles tremble as the blood rushes through 

High nerves of my feet’s bottom,

Though I lay as still 

As possible in this six by four bed,

The torn fabric of this shirt clings

To this body, drenched in sweat—

Been but a few hours since the funeral rites,

Been but a couple, since I came back

From performing formalities

Lifting responsibilities

With dimming eyes;

I find no hint of the feeling of rest

Though in four days I haven’t slept

Choking on the barb-wire of choices

My parents once made,

More and more terrors stay hung

Like cables over my head;

Tried it all for sleep to come

Yet it shows no desire to rescue,

Again…should I pop the pill?

The darkness threatens

If I hold my eyes open,

But if I close them

By reels of Her suffering

I’m haunted,

If it’s not mine, laying listless

In the emergency room—

Too many debts to pay

Too many bills to meet

There are faces to answer to;

Now the sobs of a widowed mother

Leak through the walls

But if don’t wall myself off of her

She’s sure to collapse too;

Without a job

All those innocent dreams

Plan a collective suicide:

How ever will I handle it all?

Well, it seems for tonight

Terror’s tooth in my blood is stained—

Whatever, to stay just a boy anymore

I cannot afford.

By A.J.R. Mennon