Santa Isn't Real

By Gianna Torres

I remember Christmas Eve like it was yesterday 

The excitement bursting out of me like a shooting star

One I wished on for everything I wanted to see under the tree

Elated and unable to sleep

Anticipation running through me faster than the blood pumping through my heart

Excitement met not sleeping 

I looked out my window, hoping to see Santa

I wake up the next morning

Excitement

Anticipation

Happiness

Anxiety

Disappointment

Jealousy

Unequal

Unfair

Unimportant

Unloved

The first true time I felt self-hatred, but unaware of what that meant

Oblivious

Uneducated 

My wishes never came true, but no surprise there

My sisters always getting more

But I was the middle child

Unequally gifted

Unequally loved

Unequal life

Anticipation is still there, but now it has a new name

Anxiety

Hidden under the assumption of excitement 

Anxiety leading to insomnia 

Countless nights crying myself to sleep

Screaming in sorrows

Indirectly pleading for help

Only to be yelled at I need a reason to cry

He would give me a reason to cry

I brought you into this world, I can bring you right out

I became so familiar with these words

Numb

Unphased

Wait, that isn't normal? 

Their words became second nature

No longer penetrating the walls I’ve built so high

These walls

Within, I am safe

But they keep growing

Like a ladder that reached toward heaven

Guiding me to a path I never dared to take

Or so I thought

These walls

Disguised as protection

Instead barriers

My true self hidden inside

Only pretending to fit in

Molding to the personalities of those around me

Who was I

Who am I

Who will I be

The walls eventually broke

Crumbled to debris that surrounded my being

Breathing in the deadly toxins masked as fresh air

I'm finally free

I'm not free at all

These walls I thought freed me, weren’t the walls I needed to escape 

They exposed me to something much more deadly

Something I never would have imagined to be so poisonous 

Like a berry thought to be food, but kills you instantly 

My brain

My thoughts

Each one fleeing in, like a relative stopping by 

Only to find out they lost their home and are moving into yours

The anxiety grows from within 

Killing me slowly from the inside 

The sadness enveloping me in a sea of red

The crimson red that flows out of me as I end my day

A habit nobody wants

Anybody can imagine

Only I truly understand 

I remember Christmas Eve like it was yesterday 

Anxiety met with insomnia 

Depression met with pain

I scream out for help, but nobody hears

The screams never utter a word

Silently drowning 

The red sea flowing out of me

The silver antagonizer under my fingertips

Santa doesn’t exist 

Never did I truly believe 

Only fixed beliefs to fit in

Doomed from the start, being taught to believe in something that isn't real

Instilled with hopes and dreams 

Vanished as we discovered the truth

I awaken from an unrestful sleep

Nightmares that become reality

Stories of hardships 

Battles impossible to win

Wars nobody knew

All hidden under sleeves of doubt and despair

Nobody would understand

Nobody could help

A tormentor in these moments sees

All of the secrets

Unmasked

Out in the open

Shame

Guilt

Embarrassment

Pain

Everything has changed, yet nothing has changed 

I remember Christmas Eve like it was yesterday 

No anticipation 

No anxiety

Nothing has changed, but everything has changed 

A beautiful picture I envision in my head

Only the paintbrush is silver, and the paint is only red

Memories become flashbacks

Pain becomes numb

Interaction becomes loneliness 

I am alone

Just another night

Tomorrow is just another day

Nothing special 

Nothing to look forward to 

I barely rise from a dreadful sleep

The walls are back, but rebuilt as a mask

Who am I

Who have I become

I can imagine Christmas Eve like it’s tomorrow 

Everything is the same 

Everything has changed 

A newfound hope 

Always lingering in the background but too faint to see 

The back burner of a broken stove

Now in the forefront 

Propelling me forward to a bright and fulfilling future 

A person I once was 

Now a stranger 

I’m finally becoming the person I want to be

Everything has changed

By Gianna Torres