Random Uncle

By Ananya Kamat

I was at my cousin’s wedding. I was peacefully listening to some music on my phone and some random uncle in his late forties came to me and asked -

“Do you know who I am?”

The voice was familiar but I couldn’t recognize the face. I tried to think harder, but I still couldn’t recognize who this person was.

Telling him ‘no’ would have sounded extremely rude. So, I decided to pretend as if I’ve known him from ages.

“Yeah, I know you.” I said confidently.

“Fine. Then tell me, who am I?” he gazed at me quizzically.

I wanted to tell him, “Oh my God ! It’s so unfortunate that you don’t even know who you are!” But instead, I stared at him sheepishly with my mouth wide open.

“Oh! You don’t know me then?” he said mockingly.

“I know that you’re my mother’s relative.”

“That’s right. Now tell me, who am I?”

Oh god, he’s so annoying, I hope he disappears and lands in some desert in Africa, I thought to myself.

“Umm...I do not know” I finally said with embarrassment.

“What? You really do not know me?” he looked at me bewildered. I shook my head.

“I am your mother’s aunt’s cousin’s husband’s niece’s neighbour. How could you not know me?”

“Yeah, you are a VIP for me to know who you are.” I muttered under my breath.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh uncle! How could I forget you? You had come home once.”

“Not once.” he snapped. “I had come home twice. Once for your naming ceremony and once when your mom was pregnant.”

“Yeah, uncle I remember.” I said faking a smile.

“You were so little back then.” He continued. ”I used to carry you and walk all around your house. You have grown so much now. “

“Yeah, it’s so surprising right?” I said sarcastically. I think he didn’t understand my sarcasm as he started asking me questions like an interview.

“Which standard are you in?”

“10th”

“Sslc?”

“No”

“Then?”

Before I could open my mouth he continued asking more questions.

“You’ll have boards this year right? Are you going to tuitions? Will you get State rank? Will you be the topper in your school? Will you at least pass?”

“Er, I –“

“Have you thought about your career?”

“No, Actually I thought of –“

“Engineer or doctor?”

“Umm..”

“Commerce?Arts ? Or do you want to be a lawyer?”

“Actually, I want to be a chef.”

“Oho! Is cooking your passion?”

“Yeah, obviously” This uncle is so dumb I thought to myself.

“My cook has not come from three days. She is asking for a pay raise. Thank god, I found you . Can you come and cook in my house?” I stared at him shocked.

“For free?” he said hopefully.

I used to think he was crazy but then I was sure he was a psychopath.

“Just for three days.“ he pleaded. Before I could lose my temper and do something -

“Just kidding.” he said and started laughing so wildly that he almost tripped on his own shoe. This whole thing was not amusing. I did not want to be rude, so I also started laughing as if someone just tickled my armpits.

“Dear, come help me over here” my mother called me.

“It was nice talking with you” that random uncle said.

“Yeah, you too” I said with a grin though I did not mean it.

Just when I was about to leave, he said “Its your turn to get married next.”

“Haha” I said wanting to tape his lips. Before he could say anything else, I started walking away from him as fast as I could. When I found my mom, I decided to find more about this guy.

“Who is that uncle?”

”Oh!, he is my Aunt’s cousin’s - ”

“No, I mean what is his name and how do you know him?” I said impatiently.

“His name is Ramu. He was in my school. That’s how I know him. Why, don’t you remember him?”

“I was not even a year old , when he first saw me. How can I know him?”

“Last year in my cousin’s marriage he was eating your head with tons of questions. How could you forget him?” That was the exact moment when I realized why he sounded so familiar.

I turned around and started searching for him. I found him talking to a little boy, who was around eight years old.

“Do you know who I am?”

By Ananya Kamat