One last time

By Shalmali Dharmadhikari

One Last Time

“Take these glucose biscuits with you,” called out Appa in his loud commanding voice,the centennial terminology for Parle G.I put them into my bag as was customary during these painful goodbyes from Pune to Mumbai where I was then studying.

For those who didn’t know him, Appa was who would come to mind when one reads Mark Antony’s words, “This was a man”.

For Appa was a man of sheer wisdom and panache,an embodiment of honour and pride with a bottomless reserve of mental fortitude.

Age did catch up to him physically,but it did not take an ounce from his undying spirit and strength,and oddly enough glucose biscuits either.

During my brief interludes in Pune,I would attempt to take all of it in,terrified of the ticking clock,afraid this would be the last time,giving him the tightest of hugs at every departure.

It was one of these farewells that I remember starkly, when I said half a goodbye,not following it with any embrace,as I rushed out of the house,leaving my glucose biscuit packet on the table.

It was at this very instant that I knew deep down that this was it.The moment I’d been dreading was glaring at me.But my entire being was in denial.I thought my actions would somehow transpire into reality and hence,there would,but of course be,one more,

One last time.

The winter of 2021 brought with it the ghastly covid wave,leaving in its wake a million broken hearts and grieving survivors.Nothing dampened the fight in Appa,but the pandemic eventually got the better of him.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was right about Grief being quite a process from denial to acceptance.

The best however I could achieve was accept that I am still in Denial.

And why not.There is still so much left to be spoken about,so much left to learn from him,so much to tell him,things he would be so proud of,and things he would chide me for.

Often I ponder,did my abrupt exit confound and hurt him.Did he see the packet of biscuits lying on the table?

Or did Appa secretly feel the same too?Maybe he did not want to be part of a final adieu either?

I know not.But I will be sure to ask him when we meet again,

One last time.

By Shalmali Dharmadhikari