On The Way To My Future

By Christie Rachel Saji

It was not my first time boarding a flight. I had done this many times before. But this was my

first long distance flight; and this, would change my life forever. My parents left me at the

entrance of the airport. My amma’s tears and my appa’s hug bid me goodbye. And I slowly

walked in, adjusting my shawl. People around me were all in their masks and some were even

wearing gloves. None of us wanted to take any chances, even when we, who were boarding

these flights, were vaccinated and safe. After the security check, I called my parents to say

that I was all right; the bag weight was perfect; I didn’t have to throw away the pickles;

everything was clear and that I was waiting near the gate. We joked about casual things. We

were happy, I believe.

By tomorrow, I was going to be in a new place, a new time zone, lightyears away from my

parents. I was definitely scared. But the fear was accompanied by a sort of excitement that

played in the pit of my stomach. An excitement that was tinged with a sense of loss for the

life I was leaving behind. Wait, weren’t they announcing my flight number? Yes. I had no

time to think anymore. I was going to board my flight to future.

The flight was smooth. The plane was flying above the white fluffy clouds with an occasional

glimpse of green, blue and brown. The earth was constantly keeping watch of our flight

through whatever gaps the clouds allowed. But I was in a different world, in a new city, with

a protagonist who was struggling hard to make a niche for herself. Yes, I was watching a

movie. A practice my brother would have scorned if he knew. ‘Movies should be watched in

the right ambience’, let me quote him.

Suddenly, the plane hit turbulence. And I was brought back to the reality with a flight

announcement:

“Rainclouds ahead. Please fasten your seatbelts.”

Even after all this time, fear still gripped my stomach. I paused the movie and hoped the

turbulence would go away. That was when the guy next to me spoke;

“First flight?”

One question and too many thoughts exploded in my brain. First, appear cool. And second,

why was this random guy talking to me? Thoughts aside, I just nodded my head with a

curtesy smile. To avoid further talk, I played the movie even though I knew my attention was

long lost. But surprisingly, minutes later I was again with the protagonist who was struggling

in a new city like I would in a couple of hours.

Once, the white of the clouds changed to another shade of white, the movie ended. The

protagonist succeeded. I reclined back on my seat and listened to some songs. Eleven more

hours to go...

Then, lunch arrived- fruit mix and sandwich. Seriously! What happened to the countless tales

of aeroplane food? I sighed. At least, the fruits tasted good.

And the guy next to me spoke again:

“Not what you expected, haan?”

“No, I thought the food would be grand.”

I kept my answers short. I was always wary of strangers, especially men.

He continued, “With the pandemic, flights increased their charges and cut back some

services.”

I nodded. It was a struggle for everyone.

“So, off to study?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you think you will get a job there?”

The cliché concern I had been answering every single day. The truth was I didn’t know. I

might be trying a different route, but no one can predict future.

“It is a great university. It ranks third by international standards. It has placements.”

I repeated the cliché answer.

He didn’t answer back. And yes, I felt stupid. But I didn’t want to engage with a random

stranger. So I kept quiet, even when I wanted to convince him that I was making a fantastic

decision. Self - restraint was my guru.

“Yeah…The usual path to success!” He replied after two seconds. Did I hear contempt?

I looked at him. “All middle class families have been doing this.” I wanted to shout. “They

were buying their kids tickets to a pandemic less future, so that they can complete their

education face to face.” But no, I kept my peace. But words were haranguing in my brain.

“The usual path”; I wrote the entrance, cleared the online interview, and the university was

paying for my flight ticket and living expenses (special scholarship for the past students).

“The usual path”, I was annoyed. Everyone had a different reason to look down on us. For

some, I was distorting the right way of time flow to seek something that I should seek in the

present. For others, by going against time, I was going against God. For a third group, it was

a question of loyalty to the present. And for the future, we were unwanted guests, who they

can neither refuse nor accept with open hands. I really hated this. And all the anger I had been

supressing, came back to me like a bitter after taste. Maybe that was why I asked him, with a

smile, a smile I hoped would kill,

“What about you? Why are you going to the future?”

“Me? I am a traveller.” He answered, confidently but without meeting my eyes.

“Oh…”

Wow… super. Lucky to meet one! My anger was doubling… I closed my eyes.

“I see! You are prejudiced.” He said softly.

I didn’t answer back. The image of my father kept popping up in my brain.

After a few seconds I replied, “Yeah. And I think I have enough reasons for that prejudice.”

He fell silent as if hit by my words.

But the talker that he was, he asked. “A traveller who mentioned things unnecessarily and got

anyone you know in trouble?”

I didn’t answer. I just hated the man who sat next to me. The food I had was squirming in my

stomach. It was not him, I told myself. This was a different traveller. I repeated in my head.

My feelings were illogical.

“Yes.” I answered with an elaborate head shake by which I hoped I could get my feelings

under control.

He saw my discomfort and asked hesitantly, “Was that false information?”

I broke inside. I couldn’t look at him anymore. I just looked out of the flight at the swirling

clouds gleaming golden in the sunlight. It took me some minutes to calm down. And all the

while, I could feel his gaze on me.

After a while he said quietly,

“That person was bad. Humans are vulnerable. It is wrong to take advantage of people like

that.”

Pity… Thanks! Or was I grateful for the kind words? My head was reeling into an abyss.

Years of friendship broke down with one word of ‘what could have happened’.

“Why do you travel to the future?” I asked.

“I am curious.” He answered.

“You can’t even talk about it, so why?”

“You can’t even be with the people you love and yet you choose to study in a different time,

why?”

I grimaced at his comeback. After my father’s business failed, we needed something to hold

on to. The pandemic was already doing its job in the economy. Someone had to do better,

raise the house morale, ensure that we won’t become a public joke, and maintain some

semblance of family pride. And it also meant that I got a chance to live life on my own terms.

“Are you not in good terms with your parents?” He asked.

“Look who is prejudiced.” I answered. “You need not be in bad terms with your family to

choose to live the way you want. Rather I am sad that they wouldn’t be there to see my

success…”

“So sure it’s going to be a success?”

“I don’t know.” People have asked me this question a lot of times and reminded me that I

wouldn’t be able to come back if things go wrong. “I just hope.”

“What about you? Travelling to future means you are an outcast in many jobs because you

get to access knowledge that you shouldn’t have. And don’t tell me, it’s a different time

flow. Yes, the future we are going to is not the future of our present. Our present will have a

different future. I know that. But, their past is our present. So, why are you travelling? Are

you really wealthy? You should be, seeing you can afford the tickets.”

I was being rude. I was putting out all my prejudices, one by one. Maybe it was because I was

in a bad place myself. I forgot the sophisticated way of asking the same questions politely.

Regret was slowly creeping in. Why was I even talking in the first place?

He was also becoming uncomfortable. And I felt a little elated; to ram through that layer of

confidence, Oh I was becoming a sadist. I felt disgust at who I was turning out to be.

But then he shot back, “What about you, not in the elite force to be able to study in the

future?”

“Hmm… Merit, I would say. Hard work. I have a scholarship funding.” I replied haughtily.

“I see, so how many years of coaching?” He matched my arrogance with scorn. And the

question took me by surprise.

“One year.” I answered, grudgingly.

“That’s better. Many people try for 2-3 years. And I guess it helped save a lot of money?”

He was being sarcastic. The coaching which covers the syllabuses of the past and the future,

along with a silence clause signed by the students who get access to future teachers and their

classes, was expensive. In my case, I studied with my father’s last cheque of money that

came from his business. Many people criticised the move. I was going to be useless to my

family, once I settled in the future. But a child studying and working in the future was a great

prestige.

“I can send back the money when I get a job.” I answered feebly.

“Hmm… You can. But there are some restrictions, right?” He looked at me, “to the amount

or something like that?” He was unsure. Neither did I know. Laws between past and future

and their agreed consensus kept on changing. I was taking a big gamble.

He continued “Anyway most children stop sending money once they reach the future. No

more ways to contact right?”

He was right. Unlike the traveller who can come back. I was going there for life. There was

no coming back for me. Neither can I contact any of my present acquaintances nor their

future selves. Scientists and lawmakers were trying to understand the effect of the different

time zone that opened. What was okay and what was not, was still uncertain. As of now,

what I know is that the future that I am going to is not the future of our present. It is a

different time flow. Or that’s what I understood from all the confusing talk that has been

going around. But I think I will be able to send money. The Past Embassy should arrange

something.

I was tired of all these thoughts. But getting it out of my chest felt relieving at the same time.

I looked at this man. Both of us where going on a blunt ride. We were saying all the things

that everyone wanted to say but could only hint. And I couldn’t answer them because there

was never really a question and being polite ruled the game.

“I don’t know about the others. But I am planning to send money.” I replied.

“Are you sure you won’t turn out that way.”

Why was this man so annoying?

“I can’t predict the future. I can only hope.” I answered irritably.

He nodded. And after a pause he said. (Really he was not intending to shut up.)

“I have money, you are right. I have been working for some years now, saved up enough, my

parents also helped, got into the government programme of travelling, and it’s my third

travel.”

So this is his last chance of travelling to the future.

“Oh… what do you do for a living?”

I was also a little curious. What was it like to be a traveller? What was it like to do something

so hated upon?

“I am a lawyer.”

“You won’t be able to practise anymore, would you?”

“Yes… no. After this trip is over, I will figure a way out. But there are some clauses and

conditions. And I can’t disclose things I might have come across about any of our own cases,

though the chances are very low. The trips are guided. The future guides meticulously check

on everything I have access to. Some stories of corruption do come up once in a while; about

some random future traveller who tried to get information by bribing the guides. But it is a

very serious offence and the punishments are pretty harsh, so travellers don’t do that.”

“But, you understand right, whatever you say, whether it’s true or not, has the power to

destroy lives.” I emphasised.

Why did I say that?

After a small pause, he replied, “Not all travellers intend to hurt.”

“It is… never a question of intention. Your knowledge is dangerous. What you know, even

the trifle matters…”

He interrupted, “You think, we are the only way through which you know about the future.

What you learned in the coaching school, what the governments themselves have revealed,

and the communications initiated by the future people…”

“Yes, but all of them are restricted now. We saw how even a little hint of what an election

result would be like, an exam result, who would die, can lead to a total breakdown of order.”

“I know.” He sighed, “Some slips of tongue can be disastrous…”

“Yes”

We sat in complete silence for a while. But after some time he said,

“In the future, you might get a job, but you will always be an outsider. You know right.

While travelling, I have seen many people who looked at me with hostility, even some who

saw me like a disease.” He added, “And worse, some people pitied me.”

“Because of the pandemic?” I asked.

“Yes. But even if not the pandemic, they will find other reasons. They have the cure, they are

advanced.” His voice couldn’t hide the anger.

“What’s the use, when you have the cure but cannot cure anyone?” I said. “They could have

easily exported the vaccines. Oh yes, the politics, ethics, and human rights. But travelling,

sightseeing and the benevolence of letting us study there, not a problem…Oh such kindness.

All this after they pushed us into anarchy with mere words. And what for? For their own

greed and curiosity. Great people, we are talking about.”

Our anger suddenly gave way to bouts of laughter. Yes, bad mouthing creates bonds. But

these are facts, facts that have destroyed us.

Then he pointed at himself and smiled. “By the way, Manoj.”

“I am Anu.”

He nodded and continued,

“In the initial experiments by the future, many future persons tried to change their past.”

“Yeah, because when our time zone opened, they thought if they changed the past, they

would be able to change their present. They thought that they would be able to prevent the

pandemic if they got a chance.” I added.

“That’s true, but even individuals wanted to change some of their earlier decisions. Once you

get a chance, your whole life seems like a mistake” He shrugged. “Anyway, the future didn’t

change. They realised that their present was a different possible future of our present. They

learnt that there were multiple time flows. But in the process of their realisation, our present

became muddied and confused, tending to complete anarchy.”

After a pause, he said, “A future person even disappeared trying to change his past” His voice

broke a little, “as if he didn’t exist.”

But clearing his throat loudly, he continued, “That was when the strict laws came. And the

transport to our present from future became restricted. But the future people are not interested

in us anymore; it is not their past, right. We are just a relic. Something they can patronize,

something that is a time pass.” His voice was tinged with helplessness at things that

happened, at things which we had no control.

“Did your future self, come back?” I asked.

He looked at me in surprise. Did I get it wrong? I shouldn’t have talked, without thinking.

“I am sorry; I might have made a wrong guess.” I apologised.

“Hmm…. You are definitely wr…” But he didn’t complete.

He sighed, “… You are right? My future self, came back.”

“Oh…”

“And he was the one that disappeared.” He said it in a matter of fact way. “So, as I was

saying we have more to complain than they do.”

“Yes, we have more to complain.”

I added a little loudly, “They could have just given us the cure or let us make it, if they were

that concerned. Instead of these half - baked ideas of benevolence.”

The warning signal in my brain went off. Seriously Anu, why don’t you be louder? You are

not going to the future, are you? In the midst of my brain’s scathing remarks I saw Manoj

looking surprised and a little impressed. And yeah, I guess my little outburst was worth it. I

smiled.

“You have pretty strong opinions, which I hope you keep to yourself in the future.”

“Yeah. I know right.” I laughed softly.

“Hmm… Was your deal with the future self, difficult?” I asked. “You need not say anything

if you don’t want to.”

“Hmm.... But I guess we are not going to meet again.”

I shook my head. “No, we are not going to.”

“How did you figure out, that I met my future self?”

“Your face gave it away. It seemed like what you said was something personal. Also, the

disappearance of a future self, it was not in the news. And you seemed pretty confident about

it. . .”

“Oh… It is a little weird, what happened to me, for, my misery came from me. It is kind of

twisted… It is like those religious sermons: your misery is caused by your own self. Battle

against yourself. Conquer your inner desires. And you will find peace.”

We snickered.

Then Manoj became serious, “I was going to get married, last year. Engagement was over.

Preparations were under way. And suddenly I started getting letters saying “Don’t get

married.” Of course I didn’t bother initially. I thought someone was playing a prank. Then the

letters started talking about my personal life in detail that no one else knew about. And that

scared me. I went to the police and they filed an FIR.”

“You see… at that time, the opening up of the future was an internal secret that the

governments knew but had not yet released to the public. So, the police questioned everyone

I knew, all my nemesis, or supposed nemesis, like the people who called me names in school,

opposing lawyers, etc.”

I nodded.

“And then, the news came out about the past-future travel. That people from future were

visiting us. Still it didn’t strike me. I didn’t connect the dots. But the next letter mentioned

that it was from my future self. And that was when everything changed. I tried not to panic.

But imagination is a wild thing.”

“Did he say why you shouldn’t get married?”

Manoj laughed a little sadly. “That’s the twist. I still don’t know. I ruined something I had

based on wild thoughts I conjured up.”

“He wanted to see me. I was scared to meet him. And we have many sci-fi movies which talk

about how things can go wrong. Even though I refused, he tried to meet me and I don’t know

what happened. I got the information that my future self… died… That was it. I ended the

marriage. When she asked me, I didn’t even knew why. I just didn’t know, but I couldn’t

trust anymore…”

“I tried to know more about future, my life, but I couldn’t find anything. By then the laws

prohibiting such information exchange became harsh.”

“Is that why you became a traveller?”

“Yes. I wanted to know more.”

“But you can’t!”

“I thought I could find a way. I used all my savings, got the travellers permit, but I couldn’t

even step out for fresh air without a guide. And by then it became clear that the flow of our

present was disconnected from the flow of their future. And then other thoughts started to hit

me. What if his reasons were wrong? What if he was trying to prevent her death or

something? Like in some movies. What if the problem was me? What if I had a chance to

make things right in this time flow and I ruined it?” Manoj teared up.

“I couldn’t believe in someone I thought I loved. I gave up a chance at something because I

was afraid that things could go wrong… We could have made different choices and maybe

we could have been happy.”

Manoj was weeping softly. And I sat there silently for a long time, watching him. Sadly this

was not the first time I had seen someone cry over broken bonds because of the future

interference. Even our pain had lost its newness.

I didn’t know why I decided to say this and that too to a random stranger. Maybe it was my

way of comforting someone:

“It was my father who got in trouble because of a traveller.”

“My father and his friend were doing business together. We were like a family. It was like

this unbreakable bond and… suddenly this neighbour returns from future and a rumour

spreads that in future appa and uncle broke apart and the company went bankrupt because of

all their fighting.”

Manoj looked up. I attempted a smile.

“Initially appa and uncle laughed it off. We thought nothing would touch their friendship.

But, then small things started to become problems. They started quarrelling before they knew

it. The relationship ended. The company was sold, and both took their profits from it. Now,

there are two pending cases in the court.”

“And then one day, the neighbour came to our house and said that he never said anything like

that. And of course he could never have any contact with the future selves of his

acquaintances. And that he didn’t know anything about this rumour. But neither appa nor

uncle believed him.”

My throat constricted. I was struggling to get the words out. But gulping down my saliva, I

continued,

“I think, they chose not to believe him. Because if they believed him, they would have to

accept that their years of friendship was ruined because of a rumour. But I think, some part of

them knew. And it kind of broke appa completely. And once it got out that it was just a

rumour, we had pity well-wishers, people who tried to talk between appa and uncle, people

who made us examples of how future was just trouble. Advice and love: “for your own

good”, “all for you”, “you need to learn to love and forgive”, these were some of the most

misused and abused words.”

I paused. “So, I would say, for me… future is kind of an escape.” I shook my head and

looked out of the window to calm myself.

Manoj too was looking at the clouds turning greyish black.

“It is like, when you know the climax of a movie and you go back to the beginning,

connecting the dots backwards, but then you realise that the climax you watched was of a

different movie, and that your movie panned out in another direction.” Manoj whispered as in

a trance.

The captain announced. “Please fasten your seatbelts, we are going to cross over to the future.

There will be turbulence.”

I fastened my belt and put on the earphone and played music.

We crossed over to the future. Three more hours to landing. . .

“It is a mess.” Manoj said suddenly. I removed my earphones. “But I hope we can put it

behind and move forward.”

I didn’t answer him immediately. After a while I said, “I think I am putting it behind and

running away, while my family continues to struggle.”

He looked at me. He didn’t know what to say, no one can answer another person’s sorrow. I

never wanted to think about it. But now that the wound was open, it just throbbed.

After a few seconds of silence, he said, “You can’t go back anymore. And you will have to

live in the future where you will be constantly reminded of how it is not your place. It will be

lonely. But you will have to live with it. There is no turning back.”

He continued a little kindly, “And who knows, we never expected the future to open up so

suddenly. Nor did we expect a pandemic that could lock us up in homes. But all happened.

Life doesn’t go as we predict. Maybe good things will also happen. And maybe this decision

you made can help you and even your family.”

“But we don’t know…” I added.

“When we don’t know, isn’t it better to take the best conjecture and go forward.”

I nodded. He was right. There was no time for regret. I had to live and survive.

“Are you still obsessed with finding what happened to your future self?” I asked.

“No, not anymore. He made the call to come and see me. I used to feel guilty that he died.

But it is not my fault. The only thing I am guilty of is not giving my present a chance. Maybe

I did a right thing for both her and me, or maybe I hurt her and myself because of my lack of

trust. I don’t know. I too have to live with the choices I made.”

He added, “Not as easy as it sounds.”

“Yes, not at all… But thanks.”

“Please fasten your seatbelts. We are landing.” The captain announced.

I again put on the earphones. Take-off and landing disturbed my eardrums. Manoj too, took

out his earphones, but more as a response to my action than out of need.

After circling and see-sawing for a while, our plane landed. The airport looked different.

There were many new things here and there. It was like a new world, similar yet different.

My eyes were trying to take in all at once. But above all, I was trying to find things familiar

and hold on to it.

Manoj said. “You will get used to it. There is one more batch who came before you, they will

help you. You will do well.”

“Thank you. Hope you can also start anew.” I answered as we took our luggage from the

cabins above. “Let’s live life to find out what happens in the future. I think it is fun that way.”

“Oh, is it an advice?” He asked.

We both chuckled.

“I will take your good intentions.” He added.

I walked out of the airport slowly, overwhelmed by the newness of everything.

“It’s going to be okay.” Manoj repeated.

And then they called the travellers to the right and the students to the left.

“It’s a bye then. We are not going to meet again.” Manoj said.

“Yeah, we are not going to meet again, unless life moves unpredictably.”

Both of us smiled.

“Goodbye”

“Goodbye”

As we walked off in two directions, he to his fellow travellers and I to a new world, I felt like

maybe I can do this. Maybe the future was not all that bad. Maybe I will survive and can even

live happily taking life as it comes.

Among the group of students, there was another girl and a boy who looked as scared as me. I

smiled at them.

“Hi I am Anu.”

“Rachel”

“Firoz”

“Good to meet you.”

By Christie Rachel Saji

….