Nothing Left

By Nilakshi Raul

https://youtu.be/RP6A5cMRWBA

This darkness swallowing my entire being

Questioning everything I have learned while becoming

Sleepless nights making my eyes dry

Shutting and avoiding were the only defenses I could come up by

Numbing the pain with addiction

Shooting up the dopamine to lie that

Everything was just fine

Giving up the goals and the future

While trying my now doesn't suffer

Past already being messed up

Leaving a mark on my living

Making me wonder will I even become something?

Over thinking taking the reins

Even my conscious couldn't stop it from there

Negative overpowering the positive

Overwhelming my mind

To think I am not just worth it

Quitting life is always an option

Though resilience in me couldn't just give in

So making me ache everyday

Constantly battling

Draining my energy even before waking

Emotions bottling up

Family and friends saying

They are there and I do believe them

But learned childhood patterns

Making me helpless like a Seligman's dog

From communicating and opening up

At the same time the fear of trusting, people leaving and being judged

It’s not like I never dreamt

But they were too high for my environment

So was indirectly asked to let them go

It's not like I didn’t put efforts

To stretch my horizons

But there was always this one barrier from the very beginning

I tried letting it go

But just couldn't

So I prayed that help me God

But my prayers couldn't even reach the air outside my lungs

I tried having hope and faith

But they are also just a tad bit left now

With all this going on

I sat in my room for many days

Watching something that didn't matter

Losing everything that really mattered

Wondering if I could change my existing to living

Cribbing this isn't the existence I was wishing

Dodging venting out on paper

Still cursing I am not able to write anything

However,

Today everything just came up rushing in

And I finally made an effort to do something

Sitting on this swing

Looking at the night

Listening to the music

Feeling the wind

Took my phone

Without thinking I started pouring in

By Nilakshi Raul