Not Knowing Her

By Subhadip Chakraborty

20 years later, Karan still hasn't forgotten the first time he saw June.

In all his years of science research and thesis, through the lens of the microscope or amidst the infinite pages of myriad journals, that was the closest he had come to an epiphany. She was magic, a hit of adrenaline through the veins, spellbinding bliss, as she stood there, her first day in office, lost in her own world, while holding his entire life together.

It was right then that Karan knew that there was no coming back. He promised himself that he was going to marry June one day. Karan had never had the courage to walk up to a girl and strike a conversation. He was not a man of many words. But he could not help himself.

The first thing she said to Karan was 'no'. He stood transfixed as she held him with her sharp eyes. He stood midway, and stuttered, 'But I haven't even said anything yet' June looked at him, her face expressionless and devoid of emotions, 'But you will.'

She messaged him a month later. Deleted it before he could read it. He messaged her for a cup of coffee to which she refused. They talked all night long over messages.

She would never acknowledge him at office. Almost looked through him. Karan couldn't help glance at her every fifteen minutes, her curls, her porcelain skin, how she would close her eyes when she would laugh, and how she would so effortlessly tug at his heartstrings.

He asked her out three months later. She refused. That night, she called her and told her about her dreams of traveling, her love for oceans and her bucket list. Karan told her about his life, details he always found irrelevant and personal, he ended up telling about his family, fears and how much he liked her.

The late night calls became a ritual. She would laugh at his jokes, tell him about countries and places he had never heard of, stories of ghosts and of how she once laughed at a funeral and got thrown out. She talked him through his anxiety issues, helped him with all his plans for future studies, through the separation of his parents.

He met her the day his mother finally left the family after the divorce had come through. He hugged her and cried. She didn't say a word, but just held on to his hand. They spent the entire evening sitting by a bench, quiet, broken, together.

They had an office party a few months down the line. He held her hand to ask her for a dance. She took her hand away. There was an air of hostility and Karan registered hurt for the first time. He didn't know what it was, this sense of betrayal. They were not even dating, in fact far from it. And yet, he felt cheated. He walked down the staircase to the parking lot and lit a cigarette. The music echoed from the auditorium and he felt light headed because of the alcohol. He reminisced the first time he had seen her and how he had believed in destiny. He turned around, and she stood there, those cold eyes on him, yet again.

"No", she shushed him as he started to speak. She came in closer, he knew she could hear his heart beating out of his chest. He could smell the alcohol in her lips. He had never seen her up close as she kept her eyes transfixed on him, putting him under a spell. He held her waist and then she kissed him, a long passionate kiss.

She didn't speak to him for two months. Didn't reply to his texts, turned a blind eye at the office. He didn't know what he did wrong. He just needed to talk to her once, to tell her that he was sorry, that he was going to make it up to her, whatever it was. But two months later, June had disappeared. She had left the office without saying goodbye.

Karan started dating a friend 6 months later. He had deleted all their conversations and moved past the stupid promise he had once made to himself. His love at first sight story felt like a distant dream. It was the night of Christmas and Karan was celebrating it with his girlfriend. It was late at night and they had made love. He sat by the balcony looking at the ocean from the resort. The waves clashed across the shore, it was a full moon, the chilly winds created havoc and he realised how he didn't belong. He felt it in his bones, this unexplained feeling of losing something.

The phone rang, his girlfriend picked it up in the other room. He heard faint conversation.

The next morning, she told him some girl had called asking for him. He knew then, what he had always known. He broke up a month later.

He called her a hundred times after that. June would not pick up.

Three failed relationships and 10 years later, Karan finally found love. This one was a keeper. Amidst conversations, ice creams and career aspirations, they completed each other.

They married on a sunday morning, that winter. It was a beautiful beach wedding. It rained midway, and people had to run inside to get cover. The high tide swept the seats away and drowned half the venue. Karan and his wife laughed at the perfect imperfection of their wedding. The album photos were the laughing stock for years to come. Karan cherished every moment of it. Just like his marriage.

15 years later when he met June on a train to one of his business trips, he recognised the curly hair, the porcelain skin and those eyes in an instant. She looked as beautiful and magnificent as ever. She smiled at him almost as if they had met yesterday. It was as if she acknowledged a family member when she asked him to sit by her side.

He asked what she had been upto and why there was no ring in her finger. She beamed and showed photos of her adventures. She was a travel blogger. There was no hero in her sky. She talked of music and of countries, of wine and of adventures. And Karan could just not take his eyes off of her. He asked her why she had gone off radar, left him like that. The thought didn't hurt him anymore. Years had passed, and the bitterness and sadness of it felt like a frivolous memory.

"You know I once wrote a letter for you Karan," June smiled sadly, "a love letter if you will believe that. It had a beatles song in the end infact"

Karan looked at her, aghast.

"yeah, don't look at me like that," June brushed his hair, "I was going to read it out to you. On Christmas. Never really got the chance you know."

Karan shrugged, "I called you so many times. I waited for you, June." June looked at him, those unblinking eyes and whispered, "I know Karan. I have always known."

As evening approached, Karan felt her head on his shoulder as she slept there, tenderly, almost secure in his presence. Her breath on his neck, she had found refuge in what had become a stranger of him and Karan wondered why it still felt perfect, after all these years.

20 years later, as he stood outside June's room, Karan still hasn't forgotten the first time he met June.

June was finally getting married. He stood there, his heart racing, his mind spinning out of its axis. Then he went in.

She stood there, looking like the only gift Karan had ever wanted. "No", she said. "But I haven't yet," Karan said, his heart breaking for the last time. "But you will," June teared up.

She came close and kissed him.

"why?," Karan asked, "Tell me why you didn't give me that letter, why you never gave us a shot. You know we were meant for each other. No one except you can ever understand that June. I won't even explain it to anyone. But I know this in my heart that you still know now what you knew the first day we met. You made me believe in destiny, in love, you are my definitions of it all. How do I live knowing that life without you is but a life incomplete. Just say it to me. Tell me you hate me, you don't love me like that. Tell me we lost our chance, that it's better this way. Give me the closure I need June. You owe that to me. I want you to tell me that what you and I still feel for each other, even after 20 years, is not love. That we got it wrong. Just one reason, June."

June cried in earnest. Karan knew she wanted to say it all. The truths, the secrets, put the pieces together. He waited for his one last shot at redemption. But it never came. And like every other page in Karan's book, she walked away. The mystery intact, their love story incomplete.

Years later, in his deathbed, as Karan finally forgot about a girl named June, he still remembered this feeling, this urgency, this sense of trying to hold on to slipping sand. The memory was rustic, the eyes tired, but his heart, his heart would still beat to that definition it once created when it met a person it wasn't supposed to meet.

Not Knowing June was the best and the worst thing that ever happened to Karan. Almost like love.

By Subhadip Chakraborty