No Longer Am I A Little Girl

By Vishikha Deogawnka

When I was a little girl,

And I didn't understand this world, I was told that,

“Little girls should be seen and not heard”

And I could never fathom why

No one liked to hear my nursery rhymes That I practiced meticulously

Every single night

But the neighbours’ noisy boy

Was never rebuked

For being too loud, when he made a racket with his toys.

I didn’t understand the institutionalised patriarchy

Which forced women to quietly bear their misery.

I never knew there existed discrimination between men and women, I never knew about the fault lines that ran deep within our society, Which stifled every woman who ever walked

The worshipped motherland of our country.

More surprises came as I grew older. Old aunties who visited my mother,

Never asked her where I wanted to do my Masters. Instead they would taunt her

That I would get a groom much better If I was fairer and thinner.

I was furious as to how they could pass such comments

But mother told me that this is something we just had to bear as women.

When I was a little girl,

And I didn't really know the world,

I never understood why my father was the head of the family and not my mother,

Or why they couldn’t do it together.

I never understood that despite her countless sacrifices and endless pain, She could equal him never.

For every decision that ever had to be taken, His word would be final.

One stern look would silence her on the matter,

Her opinion was usually just heard, considered rarely ever.

I thought maybe I would understand things better As I grew older

On the contrary, to my horror

Things only seemed to get worse than ever

I didn't understand why as women, we had to bow our heads in shame,

When someone talked about the very natural process of menstruation and its pain. Nobody would tell me why I wasn’t allowed in the temple during those five awful days Wasn’t the deity a woman too?

Didn’t she bleed too?

And weren’t all the males also a product of the uterus which bled?

So why was it that my fresh white flowers Which I wished to offer to the temple

Were brushed away with the dirt in a manner so ungentle.

I didn't understand why no one could see that it was wrong,

How I had barely stepped into adulthood And it felt like everyone was after me

Like hungry hounds chasing their favourite prey I was gawked at by strange men

Which lecherous smiles and disgusting wiles.

I was told I couldn’t go on dates,

That good girls never went out with boys before marriage I could never wear skirts or dresses which fit me well

I could never stay out after sunset

For it was entirely my fault if someone decided to violate me The second I stepped outside my home, so foolishly.

The list didn’t get any shorter with time

I was told not to wear make-up, or smoke or drink wine For all these were undesirable traits in a woman

Yet I never understood

How these very things were used to justify

That she had it coming, the man who raped her was in the right.

By the time I was twenty,

The world was but a charred, grey remain of what I had envisioned it to be. I was looked down upon for favouring my career over marriage

I was severely reprimanded for wanting children regardless. It was a complex mesh of hypocritical expectations

Which realistically could only be fulfilled If I suffocated aspect of my being.

When one day, I questioned why I should follow this mandated behaviour

When one day, I decided I no longer wished to be a puppet in the hands of others.

No longer will I be frightened to raise my voice for what I believe is right

All those who have ever expected my silence and averted gaze as their birth right

Will have to face the wrath of my tongue

And the scorching scorn emanating from my eyes.

I will not be restrained to the four walls of my house My life will not be dedicated to my spouse

If I choose to be with someone,

I would want it to be an equal relationship Filled with respect and genuine affection

I will not simply be a commodity to be transported from one family to another

I will not simply become my husband’s burden from being my father’s.

I will be the sound of the wind bringing white waves which wipe clean the shores of society I will be the solitary ray of sunshine

Cutting through fleecy clouds of criticism and doubt. I am my own person

And I will follow my dreams and desires to the ends of this world, No matter where they take me.

And only when every woman recognises and embraces The fire within her and faces

The invisible shackles Binding us since eternity Will they turn

Into ashes immediately.

Now, no longer am I a little girl And I have realized that

I cannot alone change the waters But I sure can cast a stone across To create some ripples.

I know now

That if I want to see a new light,

I need to ignite a fire within myself for the sake of all womankind. And only when we come together,

Can we ever hope

To escape the patriarchal cage of darkness, And spread our emblazoned wings,

To make our lives brighter,

Like a phoenix rising from burning cinders.

By Vishikha Deogawnka