(No) Expectations

By Arya Pawar

It’s 4:00 AM and a perplexing dilemma overshadows. I should feel guilty, I should be rocking back and forth as anxiety makes way for guilt, guilt of not doing what was expected, guilt of not being perfect, of being that person who will do it all, who will be it all, not for themselves, for them. I shall be feeling scared and afraid, shouldn’t I? Even ashamed perhaps? But in this moment, between expectations and reality, between tears and screams, I feel calm. It isn’t an absolute feeling, it does have remnants of all those things, a tinge of emotions here and there, but yet, beyond all I feel at peace, as If an unnamed burden has lifted. Realisation of what could have been if I denied it creeps in, vulnerability creeps in, human’s humanity creeps in, silent it is, all of it. It isn’t that I don’t care, I do. It isn’t that I have given up, I haven’t. It isn’t that I don’t have a fight remaining, I have. It is just that I don’t want to, my heart doesn’t want to, why should I justify? I don’t need to. Isn’t that a reason enough? Courage, yes it takes courage to listen to your heart, but when you do, the world becomes an easier place, a gentler place. Is it so embedded in our psyche that even denying it, defying it, falsifying it, feels as if you have committed a heinous sin? So if daring to break away from the chains of this stereotype is a sin, then call me a rebel, for I shall revolt in the name of my being.

By Arya Pawar