Ache

By Hope Kostedt

I get an ache in my chest sometimes. Have it currently. It’s not constant but it is there. I lost something. I didn’t know you could lose something that was never really yours to begin with, but I did. 

When people say you can fall in love with someone without ever having to meet them, they are right. I used to think they’re crazy, but I see what they are saying. I did. I miss him. I can’t even be sure that it was a him but somehow I just know. 

I miss him. Every day. Some days more than others. And the thought of him brings this pain I can’t quite describe and cannot get to go away until I let my tears wash over it. But he was never mine. He was never here. I never got to hold him or kiss him or take care of him. But he was a part of me even though he wasn’t. The hole he left there will not be filled. And for a while I tried to fill it. With hobbies, work, reading, but it won’t. I recently realized that I don’t want anything to. It hurts, but I don’t want to be rid of the ache. I don’t want to fill the hole. If that pain wasn’t there, then that would mean he didn’t mean that much to me. That he is easily erased. Forgotten. But he’s not. He meant everything. He made me better even though I never saw him. I loved him and I never even met him. He will always be such a huge portion of my life and a part of who I am.

 I don’t talk about it. About him. Most wouldn’t get it. Those who do have their own ache to deal with. It’s okay though. I can bear it on my own. He made me strong enough to do that. 

By Hope Kostedt