New Love

By Riddhi Oza

I know that some days it would be hard to love me…

and impossible to embrace me

that, every time you would give me your hand

I would rush and glide back in my shell

and the invisible shield around me would be up again

but I promise I would calm myself, and shush all the anxious thoughts

I would give up my uncertainty if you would just once, call my name!

I know that at times i scare you,

I push you away, even dare your promises, and even dare you!

but trust me my darlin. that’s only because I have seen love leave me so many times,

that I have lost confidence in my heart itself

because, every time that my heart starts to fall,

my brain plays with my heart and I know it tears me apart!

for, I haven’t known love in anything except pain and heartbreak

toxic might as well be my middle name!

and, every time I smile there’s a thousand tears that i hold back

just because, I am scared to loose love again

because this time, love might not be intimidating, but it’s still scary

and I know if I’d give you my heart, you would carry!

this time your love is safe and feels like home

it does not have drama, it’s in fact rom-com!

and that’s why I am afraid to lose your love, because i care!

because I know that your kind of love is so fucking rare!

and I am falling for you, like falling asleep

but, you see the problem with me is I often wake up with nightmares and bad dreams

so tell me my lover how do you expect me to believe

that you won’t break my heart, and keep it in a single piece

I have been hurt too many times so I try to scare your love away with my insecurities

but every time I look at you, feel your touch, hide in your arms, safety assurance and happiness is all I feel

how do I win this war amidst my fears and my lover’s faith,

when all I ever had were scars that my ex-lovers gave!

I get up from the bed and tie my wavy hair,

a tear drops from my eye and my heart aches…

I realise that my heart has perhaps lost this battle and walk away

you sleep soundly,

I plant a kiss on your head and whisper, “I wish I could stay.”

my hand reaches the door and just as I open it

arms wrap around me and you whisper, “I will love your insecurities in every humanly possible secure way. but please stay. I promise to never give you scars, and take your anxiety away.”

and just like that, my lost faith was found again…

and, I fell in love with him forgetting all the anxiety and pain!

If not him, I would never know

the girl with anxiety could ever be loved this way!

By Riddhi Oza