My Issues With Romance Books

By Emil Claire

P.S. There are many.

So, as someone who has delved into the romance genre during the past few years, I’ve noticed a few patterns or a formula these books tend to follow. At least the popular ones do. And they all happen to annoy me. Naturally.

I’ll admit, in the beginning I wasn’t the biggest romance nerd but what can I say? Miss Austen swooped me off my feet only for it to never happen again. And I started off with fanfictions. The bar truly was in hell and somehow we’ve reached lower. For the sake of carefully curated sentences and my sanity, I’ll be dividing each topic into sections.

1. I Love You Baby (but do you?)

It happens in every book. Now when I read my first few books, I thought, ‘‘Oh, Okay, cute!’’ After the third act conflict (the bane of my existence) is done with and characters monologue for whatever dumbassery they committed, they end up confessing their love. Which is fine as a concept. But in reality, the author hasn’t showed us their reason for loving the person. It’s always telling, never showing. All the booktok recommended books I’ve read are where the main characters are physically attracted to each and after a few zaney, wacky circumstances end up dating. Then the guy randomly realizes that ‘Oh, I love her’, because of course he does and confesses. But as a reader it’s always felt forced. As in I felt forced to believe that someone could fall in love after no emotional bond was formed because pretty man. It’s always left a bad feeling afterwards, like something was missing. Like, hmm, I don’t know? Actual romantic moments, bonding and proper dating? But no, continue rubbing bodies like dogs in heat. And no, having a slightly interesting backstory and trauma dumping is not considered a ‘moment’ mostly because nothing comes out of it. Authors need to realize that unlike Wattpad, in an actual book the leads need to have a solid connection for the readers to be invested. Yes, sexual tension and smut sells but that’s not romance. That porn in a book. It’s not love you’re writing, it’s lust. It gets really tiring reading the same book with slight variations. Notable examples: The Love Hypothesis, The Spanish Love Deception, The Hating Game.

1. Body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody (Ugh!)

Speaking of smut, why is that every single character male or female, in all these books, described the same way? The men have chiseled jawbones and muscles for days and are as tall as Everest and have shoulders wider than the great wall of china. The girlies have petite bodies, luscious hair and are so small and tiny compared to the dude and she’s pretty but she doesn’t know it. Where are the average joe’s and janine’s at? Like they all have the conventionally accepted bodies types. Where are the cute and plain people? Why is everyone a secret model? It doesn’t help that the ‘fans’(they don’t exist in my mind) of these books cast models or attractive people to imagine them in real life. The height difference is so weird like they use that to show how small and weak the girl feels around him. That and he’s so masculine (that word gets used so much I don’t know what it means anymore) and strong and macho. God forbid he not follow every stereotype known to earth. And the girls are all thin because of course they are. Even the girls with the ‘badass’ attitude have a scene where they ‘cower in his manly musk’ (yes, that is a line that exists). Honestly it feels like an excuse to reach the word limit and finish a few pages by describing the same features again and again. It’s their personality now. STOP PROMOTING UNREALISTIC BODY STANDARDS. Thank you very much.

1. Don’t you know that you’re toxic?

I am indeed looking at you Colleen Hoover. Giving abusive traits to your leading man and making him the love interest? Not it. Unfortunately, this goes beyond just her. In almost all of these books some form of toxicity be it actual abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, ‘jealousy’ or possessiveness is normalized. It’s like being toxic is their quirk. God forbid a decent guy exist, he too needs to show his masculinity by flexing his body or getting in a rage fit over ‘his girl’. Meeting these guys would be my thirteenth reason. Or my first, who knows? The worst part is that people eat these dudes up. But the reason has to do mostly with the fancasting(bleh) for these guys. The ‘fans’ pick the hottest Instagram model or actor (Henry Cavil, you deserve better) to imagine them in real life. Naturally, people thirst over them and forget they have the personality of an unattended for four year old.

Not to mention the ladies. I see you! You’re just as bad. The writers always have to create another character to be jealous or insecure or hate. Because, apparently, women are constantly competing with each other and can never be friends. There’s always a bitchy girl who’s a bitch because…well, because. And the jealous thing pops up here too! The whole jealous scene in every book essentially boils down to insecurities but people who read these books(some of them) romanticize it. Why can’t the girlies ever be self-assured? They always have self-esteem issues and need the guy to tell her how gorgeous she is. It’s okay if some characters have that but almost all the women do. That’s annoying to read. Especially when they’re described like a Victoria’s Secret Model. (Re-the previous point- Normalize writing average people with average features. We’re all beautiful!)

This one is the reader’s fault as much as it is the writer’s fault. Writers must stop writing characters are the definition of toxic masculinity and readers must stop glorifying abusive and toxic behavior. Eg: All the men from the twisted series. Especially Alex Volkov. That man, the male lead mind you, stalked a woman for a year after lying to her for 10 years and still ended up with her. And he’s some sort-of a Mafioso. And PEOPLE LIKE HIM. We’re living in the darkest timeline, confirmed. But I’m the one who had to read that book so what does that say about me?

1. What’s your name?

Lily Blossom Bloom, Ryle, Garrison Abbey…..I’m scared and I’m peeing on the floor, cackling. What is this? What are these names? Is the writing community okay? More importantly why isn’t everyone laughing? Like you can’t expect me to root for characters who are named like a Wattpad fanfic? (Oh Hardin? Where art thou?)

1. The third act conflict (Dun-dun-dunnn!)

A.K.A, A random reason for the new couple to split and ‘recognize’ their love for each other. These people will pull the most ridiculous shit instead of communicating. They will break up, instead of talking it through. And somehow I’m supposed to root for these two? The ones with zero chemistry? (Ahem, Love Hypothesis)

It’s so stupid and I wish they could come with something more interesting or subvert the trope as a whole. Or take a page from Book Lovers (one of the few things I liked about the book) and make multiple third act conflicts. That way, there are actual stakes and relationships on the line. Because we know the formula, we know these two are going to get together which makes the last 20 pages so predictable. Mix things up! Or actually keep them broken up. Some couples should just stay apart.

1. Chemistry? Where are you?

It’s not here. I can assure you that. How is it that Y/A Fantasy novels do romance as sub-plots better than actual romance books? (A court of thorns and roses being the cursed mid-ground)

The sexual tension is there. As in, it’s written and the characters say they feel it. Constantly. So, it must be there. Where is the chemistry? Honestly, I see none of it. All their meet-cutes are the exact opposite of cute. They’re mostly repulsed or annoyed by each other and somehow end up falling? I’m baffled.

Note to all writers: Writing a lot of smut and ‘tension’ is not = romance.

I can assure lust and attraction does not mean you love someone. Because otherwise I have no idea as to why these characters would ever end up with each other much less date. They don’t share anything about themselves other than the ‘tragic past’ or ‘wounded love’ or ‘random story about my childhood’. What do you actually know about each other? Their story is surface level fanfic. And that’s fine. As long as you market it as that. Smut.

1. Writing

I’m worried. What are these choices? What is the logic behind these decisions? Why would any sane adult kiss a random stranger for a faking dating plan you concocted instead of just telling your friend you lied? And then actually fake date him after finding out he’s a professor at your school. What is going on??? I know I’ve shitted on The Love Hypothesis and The Spanish Love Deception (Aaron Blackford, you deserve hell) but it’s such fanfiction.

The writing is not logical. It’s a fifteen year old first attempt.

Also the smut itself? Like…someone needs to teach everyone basic sex education because….nothing makes sense. The descriptions? Is everyone okay? Like, why are the general public (of five people) eating this up?

Also the dialogue is cheesy and the situations the characters get into and choices they make are so incomprehensible. It’s dumb.

In conclusion, It’s the type of literature a fourteen year old girl would read. And that’s cool but that doesn’t mean it deserves to be recommended half as much as it is. There are so many interesting books and small creators to support. Trust that they write romance better than this steaming pile of garbage.

Thank you.

By Emil Claire