My Cooking Woes

By Vaidyanathan Ravichandran

I don’t even butter my bread… I consider that cooking!

All my life, I have tried evading cooking and spare myself the cooking woes!

Why so lazy? …you may question.

Here’s my counter question: Why does cooking take like seven hours, eating like seven seconds and washing dishes like seven days and seven nights!

Only of late, I have been pushed to force my lazy bones into cooking.

Eggs, they say, are top of the dumbo cook’s list. Anyone, apparently, can boil an egg. So, armed with a small loaf of bread and a few eggs I embarked on putting together a breakfast.

Having happily boiled a pan of water and put in a couple of eggs, I took them out and knocked on the shell with a spoon. All the contents came rushing out to see who it was that knocked so un-gently from outside. Hmm! There was more to boiling eggs than I thought!

My next attempt turned out better since I waited till nearly all the water boiled away. I happily started peeling the shell off. When I was nearly done, the egg popped out of my hand and started bouncing and rolling all over the kitchen, singing “Catch me if you can!”. I went in hot pursuit, made an acrobatic diving catch within inches of the drain and came up with the egg in my hands.

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them!

Rice is touted as the next in the dumbo cook’s list. What with curds and pickles readily available from the market, curd rice was on the cards for me. Having taken a detailed tutorial from my wife about water proportions and all other intricate details, I set forth to cook myself lunch over a weekend. Having settled the pressure cooker cozily over the flame, I settled cozily too in my sofa reading a book. Bliss! The cooker was reputed to let me know about the status of readiness with a wolf-whistle.

I really did not know whether that sustained hissing noise from the kitchen was the whistle that my wife had coached me to listen for. It somehow did not tally with the sort of hooting that went on in her kitchen. I went into the kitchen a little suspiciously, only to see this grotesque white fountain spewing off the top of the cooker and my lunch spread all over the kitchen – ceiling, walls and floor!

I do know that the weight is supposed to crown the cooker. I can forget things, can’t I?

As time goes by one does learn a few tricks.

For example, milk boils over in that single instant when you take your eyes off it.

Maggi waits for you to lose patience and go over to switch on the TV and then cooks to a crisp.

After years of experience, I have learnt to stay with one hand on the burner knob and both eyes on the boiling pan with all my nerves keyed up in that absolute pitch of concentration that would be the envy of an Olympic 100m sprinter waiting for the starter's gun to go off.

And then the next set of villains... the gadgets: My wife is worried over my absent-mindedness in handling the 4-burner gas stove. So, she hit upon this idea – she marks the pair of burner and knob with color-themed stickers!

She is worried, I will turn one knob on and keep clicking the lighter at a wrong burner.

The few times I have volunteered to help her out in the kitchen, she has smelt gas. Hence this precaution.

The last of the villains - the smoke detector that starts cheering me along even as I start cooking.! Is there one that shuts off when I yell "I'm just cooking!"

While my wife had given up, my daughter has always urged me to learn cooking – in the interest of my health and of course to help me earn a few brownie points with my wife. Can you believe it? Even this seemingly god-sent opportunity could not motivate me enough!

But things are finally changing… the tipping point?

When my daughter got engaged recently, she casually slipped in that she was relieved her ‘fiance’ was a decent cook!

So, you got it… right? the peer pressure from my soon-to-be son-in-law…

6 months down the line, I can visualize a scene out of the TV show Master Chef at my home… My wife and my daughter the 2 tough and uncompromising judges…My “honewala damad” and I standing nervous and glum faced with our aprons on and with the dishes we cooked displayed in front of us!

The judges reprimand the half-cooked paneer, the burnt potato and so on… And I have a sinking premonition that it’s going to be me at the receiving end of the stick…unless I quickly shape up!

The good thing is… My inner voice has started egging me on – Come on Ravi… it’s not the ingredients, not the gadgets, it’s your self-belief that matters. If you believe you can do it…you will do it!

Get ready to see me turn from ‘Dumbo Cook to Jumbo Cook in 6 months flat’!

I promise, the loudest applauders amongst you will get a complementary signature dish from me home delivered, then!

By Vaidyanathan Ravichandran