My Best Friend Monika

By Disha Daryani

“I really want this corner room, it faces the street with all the shops”, complained Monika to her parents as four girls decided to move into an apartment together for college in London. Ayesha, Siya and Ritika were all of Indian origin but Monika was Italian. She and Ayesha became friends through a facebook group and decided to stay together on the onset of studying at Chelsea College in London. Ayesha had two other friends from back home in Delhi who were also moving to London and she had convinced Monika that they would also stay with her. Ayesha had always been very open minded and loved the idea of having friends from different nationalities. She felt it would only make her experience richer and more authentic in a global hub like London and so it did. Monika and Ayesha had a lot of shared interests and they got along like a house on fire. So when Ayesha who had won destiny’s game and was handed the winning chit for the corner room heard Monika complain to her family who were helping her to move into the new apartment, Ayesha offered to exchange rooms with her and gave up her room for Monika. Ayesha also wanted to have the corner room and was praying for the same but on watching Monika be upset about such a small thing, she felt obligated to offer the room. Without realizing it, Ayesha had given up her voice in this friendship - she felt a deep connection with Monika and believed it was reciprocal. 

As Ayesha and Monika belonged to different nationalities they were in the same class during the program. They would do everything together and both of them shared similar strengths from being multilingual to having a lot of passion for their career. From shared dreams of luxury to traveling the world there was only little that set them apart. Ayesha felt so close and connected to Monika she put little effort into building other deep friendships. They both were well read and intelligent however Ayesha was much quicker to grasp concepts and Monika was a more consistent and hard worker. Monika used her convincing powers and her dependency to ensure Ayesha always focused a portion of her work time in helping Monika complete her tasks leaving Ayesha to work harder later or not complete certain tasks. Over a period of time, this codependency began to hurt Ayesha’s grades and she and Monika had a falling out as Ayesha struggled to communicate effectively as to how Monika was being codependent. 

This period  was extremely lonely for Ayesha as with Monika she had not engaged much in other friendships, her other flatmates had independent lives and schedules and she truly missed Monika. Outside of school they would go to the museums together and explore the city of dreams that London was together. From laughing outside bars at four o'clock in the morning to dancing on the streets, their camaraderie was special. Even people at school knew how close the shared bond between them was and often let them be in their own world. The emotional setback was difficult for Ayesha and even for Monika, however Monika moved forward, found other friends in class and started relying on them to complete her tasks and help her do better. Ayesha was a lone wolf and turned her disappointment inward because that’s how she had learnt to cope with such situations. They would never leave the apartment at the same time, go separately to school. Ayesha would eat her meals alone or go on dates to find some company for herself. There were days with the harsh winters in London when Ayesha got really sick, however there was no one to support her. Monika would look away or spend her time with her new friends. Monika’s grades began to flourish at school and Ayesha struggled with her health but in the absence of company also worked harder and improved her grades. 

One evening when Ayesha got back to her room from school she heard Monika crying loudly in her room. She let it go for a while, but after a few hours when the crying still continued Ayesha couldn’t bear it any longer and ran to her room to check if she was doing fine. As soon as Monika saw her, she hugged her tightly and continued to weep like a baby. Ayesha was extremely worried and wondered what could have gone wrong. Despite the fall out she cared deeply for Monika and did not want her friend to suffer in any way. Monika broke down and mentioned that her family were having some problems and she imagined her parents would face a separation. Monika was a year younger to Ayesha and hence Ayesha felt very protective of her as an older sister.  

A lot of consoling later, Monika found out that it was only a misunderstanding between her parents and that their relationship was intact and could be salvaged. Another salvation that had occurred that day was through Monika’s moment of weakness which had opened the gates of love and forgiveness between Ayesha and Monika. This had truly led to strengthening of their relationship for some time. Monika had apologized to Ayesha for her bad behavior in the past and admitted to having missed her during their time apart as well. She also promised to work on some of the issues discussed and in no time they became inseparable again. 

A friendship like this is one for the books and to have someone be truly present in your highest highs and lowest lows is a truly fortunate occurrence.  Over the years of their friendship they went through many life challenges together from loss of friendships, to relationship breakdowns. When Monika lost her grandfather Ayesha held her and comforted her. Ayesha’s quiet days were filled with Monika’s company and constant chatter and stories that comforted her. Monika’s enthusiasm for life instilled a sense of expansiveness for Ayesha too, her worldview shifted and she dreamed of having better and bigger things for herself. Ayesha’s quiet and nurturing support helped Monika find strength through her overflowing emotions and gave her the grounding she lacked in life.

Through the years they faced challenges in their friendship as well when distance took over as Ayesha decided to pursue a year of university at the school’s affiliated Paris campus. Their lives changed drastically and so did their friend circles.However they managed to make it work with five hour long phone calls, to small fights. Ayesha even introduced Monika to her Paris friend circle and they took a trip together. The trip was a truly memorable experience and Monika ended up making new friends that also loved her dearly, sometimes even more than they loved Ayesha.  After completing their graduation when Ayesha moved back to Delhi, Monika also moved back to her hometown in Italy. Since they knew how to make it work with the distance and Monika took a lot of effort to maintain the contact, their relationship remained harmonious. 

Ayesha felt loved with Monika’s constant nagging and despite having trouble adjusting back home in Delhi and immersing herself into a new social life, her friendship with Monika comforted her to know that there was always someone for her across the seven seas. 

A couple of years after moving back Monika decided to use her family’s affluent background and launch a fashion business. She was always passionate about having her own brand and attaining a level of fame in the fashion fraternity and she realized this was the time to dive deep into her passion. She would initially share her thoughts and ideas with Ayesha because she trusted her and Ayesha being the more business minded friend, was often guiding her on the next steps in building her brand. This continued casually for a year until Ayesha and Monika met in Paris for a trip together. They discussed everything from their personal lives back home and Monika suggested that Ayesha was so good with the advice she gave, she should consider becoming a consultant. Ayesha, who struggled back home with a corporate job, liked the idea but felt she lacked the experience. After returning to Delhi, she gave it a serious thought and before she knew it, Ayesha’s other friend connected her to someone who was seeking a consultant. This was Ayesha’s first commissioned position as a consultant and she worked with that brand for a year. At that time Monika was just about to launch her first collection and asked Ayesha for help. For her friend Ayesha didn’t even consider this as a business proposition and went above and beyond to help her. The first collection was released from a distance by having an entire campaign shot and styled with Ayesha’s assistance. Ayesha wrote the content for Monika’s website and handled the social media as well. Slowly and gradually Monika would call Ayesha for the smallest things from deciding zipper positions and sourcing buttons in India, to developing the brand guidelines and hiring staff. Ayesha would do it happily for her friend and invested as much time into Monika’s brand as she would for any of her other clients. 

While Ayesha’s clients were limited and due to her lack of experience they would only offer her minimal compensation, Ayesha struggled with her finances. She would share her struggles with Monika and Monika would then offer to pay her for her services but always mention how she was also a young brand and offering a monthly commission would be difficult. Ayesha felt Monika could understand her problems and out of friendship she told Monika to offer her a small payment as a monthly commission once she started making sales. She believed in Monika’s talent and her taste and knew that her brand would do well. She knew it was a stretch for her to be investing a lot of time in Monika’s brand but thought it would be good to showcase the work on her portfolio of brands and also help her friend grow her brand. A few months later, Ayesha and Monika’s common friends also reached out to Ayesha to start a fashion brand. Unlike Monika they had no prior experience in fashion and required far more hand holding. However, Ayesha decided that her relationship with them was not as familial as Monika and she asked them to commission the service. After a lot of negotiation they agreed for a small monthly commission, yet the work was paramount for the compensation. This collaboration created problems between the friendship and work and despite having a commitment for three months, they only covered two months of payments and didn’t continue the services further. Ayesha felt dejected and kept herself motivated by helping Monika and a few other clients who would give her a small remuneration. She would work all through the week and the weekends as well handling tasks from design to branding and talking to agencies and professionals on behalf of her clients and Monika. A few months after the launch of Monika’s first collection she received a few sales orders, and both Ayesha and Monika danced with joy. Ayesha thought perhaps now Monika would be able to give her a monthly commission and their friendship would transform into a partnership. 

However once Monika received payment after her first few sales-she put away half into her savings and bought herself a designer handbag with the rest as she felt she had earned some success and wanted to celebrate it. She had no conversation with Ayesha about any commission and business continued as per usual. However after her first set of sales, business again hit a low period and all the multi designer stores she spoke to for her collection refused to take in her collection stating it was not eye-catching enough and safe. This prompted Monika to work on a second collection where from design to execution and styling she asked Ayesha to assist her. They would spend hours video chatting and beyond that Ayesha would also send her many ideas that she thought would help her business. The second collection’s theme and conceptualisation was all done by Ayesha. This was when the world was hit by the pandemic and India was in a state of complete lockdown for the second time. Most of Ayesha’s clients had pulled away and she was eating out of her savings to survive even though she had her family’s support.While the second collection was in production, Monika asked Ayesha to become her partner for a second brand where they could co-invest and sell in Europe. Ayesha’s family strongly discouraged this idea because they felt Monika should offer some remuneration to Ayesha first for her previous efforts and also Ayesha’s personal savings would not be able to support this collaboration which would lead to her family having to invest into this collaboration; her family always felt Monika was emotionally volatile and could destroy the collaboration at any time. Stuck in between her family and her friendship, Ayesha declined the collaboration and asked Monika to remain in capacity as her consultant but having worked voluntarily for almost two years she asked Monika to offer her a monthly remuneration no matter how small it is. Monika disappeared for a couple of weeks under the guise of production and discussed this situation with her family to only return a couple of weeks later as a friend without discussing any business at all.

They continued simply being friends and not really discussing business until Monika’s production was complete and now she needed Ayesha’s help to build the campaign again. The pandemic still continued and during this lockdown in Delhi, Ayesha was also going through a very difficult break up which Monika knew about briefly. She kept reaching out to Ayesha to ask for advice and even told her she would send her a custom designed Monika dress as she wasn’t in the position to offer her monthly remuneration.  Ayesha’s mental health was at a very low stage and her breakup with the social isolation and lockdown along with deteriorating business had her experience some of the lowest moments of her life. Her hometown didn’t face as much social isolation and since her brand sold online, launching it in the most effective way was crucial to Monika. There was a particular day that Ayesha had been crying all week and had no strength to consult Monika. Monika did everything from fighting with her to emotionally manipulating her and finally made her work for six hours on a remote photoshoot for the campaign. By the end of the pandemic, Ayesha had lost all her clients except Monika and had no strength left to reach out to new prospective clients. She had to take on a full time corporate position. Her mental health was in a fragile state and now that the pandemic had ended, Monika wanted to reignite their friendship by traveling together. While Ayesha really wanted to do the same, it meant going to Dubai where Monika wanted to travel and ask her family to support her for the trip as she had used all her savings during the pandemic. The demands of her new job, coupled with a depleted bank account left Ayesha no choice but to reject Monika’s offer. This led to an entire emotional backlash because Monika wanted to use the funds from the sales of her new collection to travel together for herself. The dress she promised Ayesha had also never arrived even though Ayesha had given her measurements for the same. Ayesha promised Monika to do a Dubai trip a few months down the line after she had some savings and was able to ask for a leave from work. 

A few months later when they planned the trip again, Ayesha was hit by a severe case of bronchitis and spent over ten days in bed. This led to a ten day leave and hence she was unable to take further leave in that period. Also the corporate job she worked at had a really bad payment system and would pay employees every two months under the guise of delay from the bank and the story of it being a startup.This continued to leave a dent on Ayesha’s savings and her mental health deteriorated further. 

During her time as an independent consultant, Ayesha requested her clients to demonstrate her services on social media and did the same with Monika. However Monika claimed that it would destroy her brand value, if she claimed she worked with a consultant and refused to give much acknowledgement for the same except a few mentions. Ayesha would go above and beyond to share Monika’s brand each time she asked, constantly interact with her accounts to increase engagement and even built an awareness of the brand amongst all her friends back in India. 

To keep herself motivated and retain her consultancy alongside her corporate job, Ayesha co-hosted a podcast around business opportunities in the fashion and beauty industry. She asked Monika to share the news of her first episode on social media to which Monika promised to do the same but never acted on it and later told Ayesha that her  personal audience  wouldn’t understand it but continued to request Ayesha to share her work.

Another year had passed and Ayesha still didn’t receive the dress. The consultancy for Monika’s brand had reduced but from time to time during important releases Monika would still come with open arms to ask for all the help possible and Ayesha would oblige. When Monika launched her third collection, she was again relying on Ayesha to develop the campaign and build a launch strategy, however Ayesha had already started feeling like she was being taken for granted as the friendship quotient began to reduce and the work began to take over more. Ayesha was traveling during the time Monika wanted to launch her third collection for a family trip in the mountains and didn’t have access to the internet. While she wanted to help Monika, she also felt it was time Monika became a little independent and also understood her value. Ayesha used this opportunity to take a step back from the launch which prompted Monika to add the finishing touches to the campaign herself and go live on social media. 

This collection turned out to be a huge success for Monika and she did extremely well with the sales. She had also been pragmatic with the funds invested into the campaign and production and was overall profitable. This collection opened many new doors for her and three global multi brand digital stores reached out to her to showcase the brand on their website. These collaborations infused far more success and boosted sales significantly. However, there were no intentions of any compensation towards Ayesha and instead she pointed out to Ayesha, how she didn’t support her during the launch of the third collection. Her brand’s success led her to want to travel more and celebrate the success.

Monika realized Ayesha couldn’t take the trip soon enough and even went to Dubai with her other friends when they had promised to go together. Ayesha understood and assured Monika that she should not sacrifice and carry on with her plans as Ayesha couldn’t make it. 

The following summer Ayesha planned to visit Paris for a friend’s wedding and really wanted to take a trip to another destination she had not visited before. She reached out to Monika if she would like to make a trip together. Monika seemed excited as she always wanted to have a summer trip and they went through several options of places to visit. However the dates of Ayesha’s friend's wedding and Monika’s availability didn’t align. She was going on a holiday to Turkey with her family and also had other commitments she wanted to adhere to which meant Ayesha should sacrifice her friend's wedding or spend time alone in Europe and wait until Monika becomes available to travel with her. Monika did not want to go to half the destinations and kept arguing with Ayesha asking her to compromise and go to expensive destinations beyond her budget. It was also Monika’s birthday month and Ayesha was really hoping to celebrate the birthday together since she would be in Europe around that time. After a lot of back and forth they decided to go to Morocco. They both seemed excited and while it still required Ayesha to wait in Paris until Monika got free from her other commitments, they still would do a trip together.

Back at home Ayesha ran into verbal squabbles with her family on how to fund the trip as Ayesha had a few savings which were all getting invested into the trip and despite her family’s additional support, the budget was extremely stretched. Her family simply didn’t understand that if she was going to Europe all the way, why couldn’t Monika make a few adjustments to her commitments to meet her earlier. The Moroccan Embassy in Delhi had also shut down during the pandemic and the only available outlet to get a visa was in Mumbai. When Ayesha broke the news to Monika, she threw a tantrum and complained how Ayesha was ruinning all the trips and would plan all the trips and not live up to her promises. Ayesha felt burdened as she knew she was doing everything in her power to make the trip happen, however traveling to Mumbai for a visa would be an additional expense and more than that  the timeframe between the trip was very short. Her passport was already in the French Embassy in Delhi for a schengen visa and the Moroccan visa would take another two to three weeks. Monika refused to compromise in any way, be it in a choice of place, to the number of days to the place to stay. She felt this was her summer trip and if she was to invest money into it, she should enjoy it completely and it should be her place of choice. She even tried to convince Ayesha by her tantrums to compromise and focus on spending time together instead of choosing a mutually interesting and financially viable  destination.

The pressure became too much for Ayesha who was desperate to simply travel and wanted to attend her friend’s wedding and support her. She canceled the trip with Monika which created a very cold atmosphere between the two. Ayesha had a beautiful trip to Paris and even went to Turkey with her brother to get a good vacation. After seeing her posts on social media, Monika reached out to her saying it’s unfortunate they weren’t able to travel together and her choice of destinations is so nice that she truly had felt the fear of missing out. This trip not working out created a huge distance in their friendship. Monika pulled back to demonstrate power and Ayesha felt exhausted with the constant demands from Monika and her lack of understanding to give more to this friendship without reciprocity. 

After returning from Europe the conversation between Ayesha and Monika had dwindled significantly yet neither were ready to truly let go of the friendship and would occasionally catch up. However every time they spoke Monika would keep asking Ayesha to show support on her social media or share some help for her brand and would even make statements around how they should never plan trips together. Ayesha’s mental health struggles had led her to question her relationships during her trip to Europe to realize how she kept investing in certain relationships even when she had no capacity to do so. 

Ayesha began to grow more distant because she realized Monika only complained about how Ayesha was not meeting her needs and not keeping in touch but for Ayesha the culmination of every time Monika had failed to reciprocate created disappointment. 

A couple of months later one of their mutual friends from Mumbai was getting married. Through the pandemic Ayesha had grown slightly distant from this friend however Monika remained in contact and was invited before Ayesha was to the wedding. Ayesha immediately out of duty asked her company for a couple of days off as she imagined if Monika came to India, she would travel for a couple of days together with her and then attend the wedding together. She felt finally they would have an opportunity to sort their differences. However, Monika’s thoughts seemed to be diametrically entitled. She felt the friend who invited her should’ve organized everything from flight tickets to a stay for international guests even beyond the days of the wedding. More so Monika kept insisting on making a custom dress for this friend and kept asking Ayesha to request her to share her measurements as a wedding present. She even mentioned to Ayesha how taking a few days off work isn’t enough and if she wants Monika to come to India she should make more time in her schedule and take her around for more days. Ayesha felt extremely triggered by her insistence of the measurements from her friend because she knew she hadn’t received her dress yet. For Ayesha it was not about receiving the dress but the respect she felt she deserved for the hard work she had put in her brand as a remuneration through the dress. Also the fact that she was taking days off meant nothing to Monika as opposed to when she was visiting Europe in the summer Monika refused to let go of any of her commitments to meet up with Ayesha. Monika also hinted that if Ayesha ever got married and wanted Monika to come to the wedding, she should make better arrangements than her friend from Mumbai and show more hospitality or she would not invest money into this trip. Such a calculated approach really disturbed Ayesha and she felt relieved that Monika decided to not attend the wedding because she could truly sense a disconnect between them. 

The following month for her birthday, Monika was the last one to wish her despite viewing all her stories and posts on social media and even stating how she didn’t post a picture because they didn’t have any new pictures. Ayesha felt even worse that her dearest friend couldn’t offer such a trivial thing. She realized that  friendships change over time and while some of these things may seem very marginal, it’s the small things that keep a relationship going. It was only a year ago that Monika had sent her flowers all the way from Italy on her birthday to view such a stark difference this year. 

She completely pulled away from Monika and realized that Monika was the one who continued to maintain the friendship by consciously calling frequently and making plans. She knew she had also made mistakes however the fear and the pressure seemed daunting. Monika also pulled away and tried a couple of times to reach out to address the problems, however Ayesha felt she had truly moved on from unfulfilling relationships in her life and  had no strength left to keep up with Monika’s demands. She refused to serve alone in this relationship and have her energy constantly  drained.

She would miss Monika from time to time and over a brief conversation she told Monika once she wanted to try to make it work again, however without much intimation Monika pulled away and told her how she felt disappointed that Ayesha chose to take a decision like this in the first place. This was a huge misunderstanding but one that Ayesha had no strength left to fight further with and they stopped communicating going their separate ways. 

Ayesha began to do a lot of healing and working through her mental health issues. A deeper understanding led her to analyze this situation from a higher lens and realize that she often sacrificed in this relationship which led Monika to be the key decision maker to the point where Monika felt entitled to having her views on everything without any consideration for Ayesha’s needs. Ayesha understood that her guilt to provide for others by sacrificing herself came from her childhood trauma where she was forced to grow up and compensate for her emotionally distant mother. She had learnt to internalize all her pain and having her emotional needs unmet as a child, she had developed a need to constantly please her mother to receive the love and affection which often led to her pleasing people in relationships in order to avoid conflicts and having people feel disappointed in her. 

While she still misses Monika she has a lot more peace in her life where she’s not constantly trying to meet someone else’s needs but trying to fulfill her own.She chooses to love Monika from a distance and support her in a capacity that she can instead of over extending herself. This friendship which she imagined would one day lead to them being each other’s bridesmaids has become one of the biggest lessons in Ayesha’s life and taught her about the reciprocity that adult friendships require and should aim to achieve. 

We all need friendships that are mutually supportive and elevate our lives and if they cannot add value to our lives then letting them go is the best for us to attract relationships that are more fulfilling.  

By Disha Daryani