My Beloved Appa

By Shana Fathima M N

It's been 10 years now....

In these 10 years many things change in my life

In these years I learned how to act Infront of others like I am happy

In these years I learned how to fake smile Infront of others

In these years I learned how to keep my feelings as secret

In these years I learned how to cry in secret

In these years I learned how to show others I don't care about anything

In these years I knew how hardly we can miss someone

In these years I knew how much teardrops can fall from someone's eyes

In these years I learned how to kill myself mentally

In these years I learned how to be alone

In these years I learned how to love dark room

But

I miss the old me,

There was someone to listen to me

There was someone to cheer me up

There was someone to make me happy

There was someone to wipe my tears

There was someone to hug when I am sad

There was someone to share my feelings

There was someone to makes me laugh my heart out

There was someone to hold my hands tightly

There was someone to save me from all negatives

There was someone to worry about me…

10 years ago I was a princess too

But,

now I am not someone's princess anymore

Nowadays, I wish to taste how death is... 

It's not only because I'm sick of this life... 

It's because I want to meet him... 

My beloved Appa

I know it's not possible in this lifetime... 

For years he didn't appear in my dreams either...

I don't know if he is angry with me for anything

I don't know he doesn't want to see me

But I wish to see him... 

I wanna hug him...

I wanna cry a lot by lying on his shoulder... 

I wanna tell him how my life changed from heaven to hell after he left me... 

I wanna tell him how I started to love death more than life... 

I wanna tell him how lonely I was when he left me... 

But.... When????

By Shana Fathima M N