Moving On

By Vikash Anand S

“I don’t want it anymore,” she said in a voice that meant she was trying to be cold.

Those were the words I thought I would never hear - I don't want it. It shook me, and it was the suddenness more than anything. I couldn’t collect my thoughts to give a coherent reply. Emotions hadn’t hit me yet, and I needed time to let myself feel reality. I remained silent.

“Say something,” she demanded.

“I don’t know what to say, ” I admitted.

“Anything is fine.”

I had nothing to say. My mind had never been this blank. It felt calm but there was a tsunami of emotions about to follow. I needed to be alone.

“I’m sorry. Nothing’s coming to me. Can we talk later? I need some time alone,” I said in a mundane voice. I hated the sound of it more than this moment. It was heavy and hollow at the same time. There was a lot to feel, but I didn’t know how. The fear in my stomach slowly made its way to my skin and spikes of chills started to grow over me. I appeared to feel cold. The volume of emotions I had to face scared me. The uncertainty of my future crippled me. What was I going to do? I thought she was the one.

“Alright,” she said, breaking my train of thought. She seemed irritated at my inability to process thoughts. “Bye.”

As she walked away, I sat on the seat by the side of the garden. She didn’t look back at me as she walked past the gate. She usually does, but not today. That stung, but only momentarily. I immediately oscillated back to feeling nothing.

The garden is supposedly green, but all I could see were a hundred shades of darkness. The only working light in the garden stood right behind me. It was a cloudy night, and the moon took turns with the clouds to be seen. I looked down at my chest as I heard the thumping sound of the beating organ vibrating through the entire volume of my body. It was faster than usual. But my breathing was stable, and it assured that I wasn’t having a panic attack. I debated if a panic attack was worse than the numbness I was feeling. It was the lesser of the two evils, I suppose.

There's a million reasons why I should give you up

But the heart wants what it wants

The lyrics to Selena Gomez’s ‘The Heart wants what it wants’ popped into my head. My thoughts became minors and the chords resonated through my head. It was slow, but it gave me a taste of the sadness I was about to feel. It was devastating. Period. I immediately distracted myself with another thought - Isn’t it funny how the line read ‘the heart wants’, but all the heart knows is to give us the rhythm to live? How did the heart become the one to want something? The heart hurts. The heart heals. Stupid metaphor, I said to myself as my lips curled to form a smile, making a conscious effort to alleviate my mood. But even as I smiled, I could feel the heaviness that my brain was masking to protect me. I closed my eyes shut as I sat there unsure of what to do.

***

3 months ago

“So how’s college?” my big brother asked to make conversation.

“Usual stuff. Nothing much”, I said lazily repositioning in bed to face him.

“Girlfriend?”

I couldn’t hide my grin even as I tried to conceal the fact that I was hopelessly in love. And he was my brother. He knew.

“So tell me about her,” he said in an enthusiastic voice.

I loved his enthusiasm, and for some reason, I wanted to tell him about her.

“Her name’s Sarah.” I paused, unsure of what details he might want.

“How long has it been?”

Oh yes, of course. “9 months.”

“Nice… So have you had the serious talk yet?”

“What serious talk?” I asked, a bit confused.

“Ahh… you are supposed to make sure you guys have similar values about life.”

I nod my head.

“This is very important. It’s better to have clarity of what you are dealing with than waste time hoping that it would work out someday. Cuz time is something you can never get back. You don’t wanna be pursuing the wrong person.”

I didn’t like how he made it sound like I was not with the right person. But I understood where he was coming from. He had a year-long relationship and by the end of it, his girlfriend cut him off of her life like he meant nothing. Despite his efforts to have the last talk, he never got the closure he needed. It was ugly. It took him another whole year to recover and he was making sure that I wasn’t falling into the same trap.

I hear you, brother. I see you. But don’t worry. She’s different.

I kicked myself for never having that serious talk with her as I walked back home. I could have seen this coming. I went straight to my room and into my bed. I couldn’t sleep. I lay down staring at the dark ceiling.

From hopes of counting stars with her

to staring at the dark ceiling, life hit me hard today.

Memories started to flood my brain. The first time we met; the gifts we exchanged; the promises we made. Tears flowed. She was perfect. I couldn’t control my tears, and I stopped trying. She was the one, wasn’t she? The pain was real. My cry grew heavier and louder, and my breathing started to make funny noises. I didn’t want people at my house to walk in on me crying. I quickly made a run to the washroom. I looked at the mirror, and I could see lines tracing the length of my face, from my eyes to my lips and further down to my jaw.

The first wave of pain left me with little space to catch up on my lost breath. I was breathing heavily. My chest started to hollow from within. Chills ran up and down the surface of my skin. I knew I was having a panic attack. I opened my mouth wide and gasped for air and yet, I was suffocating. It wasn’t done there though. Just when the panic eased, and I thought I was done crying, the second wave of pain returned, and this time, it came in faster than before. My collar started to wet with the insane amount of water I was losing. I started to become dizzy and dropped to the floor. The washroom didn’t look like a nice place to be seated. But that wouldn’t even cut to make into the list of things I cared about right now. The third wave was already hitting hard, and more waves followed with increasing frequency. By the time it was all done, two hours had passed. I washed my face to erase any left traces and cleared my throat.

My mother seemed puzzled as I walked out of the washroom.

“You are home? How long were you in there?” she asked. I guess she didn’t notice my coming in. That was a relief. I didn’t have an excuse prepared for my two hours in the washroom.

“Just a while back mom,” I said with sincere conviction. “I ate outside. I’ll go to bed,” making my way past her. That was a lie. I didn’t want to eat. My body craved solitude, and I was giving it what it needed. I didn’t know if my brother was home, but that wasn’t my concern. I locked the door on my way.

With some of the heaviness out, I was able to think a bit clearer. I made a mental note of the questions I needed to ask her.

I pulled my phone out and opened her chat. She was online.

I texted, “I thought about it. Can we talk tomorrow?” I watched the screen for a while hoping she would reply. It took her five minutes before she could go offline, leaving my message unread. I consoled myself that she must be busy and that she wasn’t ignoring me. But, I grew anxious. I recollected those days when she used to open WhatsApp just to text me. It stung that her priorities had changed. My anxiety filled the room through the night. Sleep never hit my eyes.

I didn’t have trouble waking up for college the next day, considering I never slept. I checked the message I had sent her after reaching my class. And there it was. My text had two blue ticks next to it. She was online. I waited for it to change to ‘typing…’ But it disappeared. I was left puzzled. Did she just seen-zone me? Did she ignore my message? I told myself that she would have a valid reason and that she would reply very soon. But it never happened. If it were anyone else, I would have left it at that. But I was not giving up on her on account of my ego. I texted her that night.

“Hey, you busy? Pls, reply when you find time…”

Though I was justifying her actions, deep inside, I knew that she wasn’t the same girl I had fallen in love with. She had changed for some reason. But, I was not ready to believe it. Just the thought of not having her in my life sent shivers down my spine. I was so used to being with her that I was incapable of imagining a life without her.

My phone vibrated.

“Tomorrow after college. On campus”

I replied, “Why not the garden at night?” The garden is where we usually met.

“Lazy to come out at night. Let’s get it done asap”

I could already tell that she had her mind made up. She wanted to end the relationship and it wasn’t to be negotiated. I told myself that it would be okay, but ended up mourning the loss of the person who I thought was the one for me. It was going to be another sleepless night.

***

“Things seemed fine between us. Why do you want to end it suddenly?”

She thought for a while before making a sorry face. “I’m not sure,” she said.

I didn’t know how to take that for an answer. But it was clear that she wasn’t prepared for this conversation. She wanted out. I sensed that if I went any further with the questioning, it would get ugly. So I just smiled and asked her my final question, “Do you still have feelings for me?”

It was an immediate response. “No. I see a friend in you. Nothing more.”

I had to move on from this beautiful chapter. We were strangers. We met. We fell in love. We helped each other grow. We collected memories that could be cherished for a lifetime. And I didn’t want these memories tainted by a bad breakup.

We grew together and somewhere in the process, she fell out of love. It’s not our fault.

I didn’t lose what I had; I’m free to find the one who’s meant for me.

There could be a million reasons why I should give you up

But the heart wants what it wants.

It isn’t going to be easy to change. But I must try. I delete her chat on my way back home.

Deleting 1,15,000 messages.

That stings. It’s disappointing that after everything, she didn’t turn out to be the one. A year seems wasted for nothing. But at least, I’m glad that I won’t be doing it anymore. I respect her for who she was and who she is. And it’s time to move on to the next chapter of our lives, wishing each other nothing but the very best :)

By Vikash Anand S