Motherhood

By Brinda Murthy

Bindu could not take her eyes off the beautiful little baby that squirmed in her arms while being wrapped snugly in a soft blanket. The love she had felt for the life growing inside of her during the last nine months was nothing in comparison to the gush of adoration, attachment and profound love she could feel for him now. All the difficulties until this moment had been long forgotten, replaced by sheer joy and so many dreams for the future of the little one.

Life was never the same after the miracle, thanks to God’s grace. Bindu’s life revolved around Krishna, and nothing else mattered to her. Every little thing around Krishna was a joy, as if every day was a festival to celebrate. The exhaustion from the sleepless nights, the fears and stress of being a good mother, the pressure of expectations, advice and criticism from family and friends, and the endless chores that came along with the addition of the new member in the family amounted to nearly nothing when Krishna was in Bindu’s arms. The closeness was a moment of bliss, making her close her eyes and bask in his unconditional love.

When she sat next to Krishna, folding his little clothes, she would sometimes caress his cheek with the back of her fingers or touch his little hands and give him her finger to grab. He sometimes gurgled and looked around, as if trying to find his mother, his source of comfort, his world, his everything. He would gaze at her when she sang soft lullabies and hymns in praise of the Lord who had blessed her with this miracle named after Him.

Krishna’s first smile was in his sleep as he slumbered blissfully on his grandmother’s lap. It was a smile so wide, making everyone wonder what he was dreaming about. Perhaps he was remembering his mother’s and grandmother’s cuddles, perhaps he was remembering the colorful, jingling toy that hung above his crib that he loved watching and asked to be played again and again, or perhaps he was remembering the snug embrace of his father and grandfather. Every gummy smile had Bindu grinning with sparkling eyes and a swell in her chest.

‘Thatha!’ was the first word that left his rosy lips, eliciting a wide smile upon his grandfather. It was a moment to celebrate, for other syllables followed soon after – amma, papa, addha, mama, and so on. Of course, Thatha and his spectacles were his favorites and Krishna lost not one chance to grab the latter and claim them as his own while babbling his first words of love.

With every day that passed, Krishna grew, achieving milestone after milestone. When he stood for the first time, he was wobbly. A grin was upon his chubby face and pride upon Bindu’s face for the great achievement, followed by a laugh as he soon landed unceremoniously on his bottom. His reward was a smother of snuggles and kisses which he returned with lots of giggles and slobber. He was soon a master of pulling himself up and even walking with the help of furniture he could grab.

Bindu watched as he progressed to walking, giggling as he waddled to her and his father while they spoke words of encouragement. The jingle anklets on his ankles were soon heard all around the house where he walked. With the house an enormous world with many curious things for Krishna to touch and hold and throw, Bindu was constantly worried for his safety, constantly making her run after him to make sure he was always safe. She let him touch what he could and climb what he could, but not without her help and support. Still, there were moments when he fell or hit his head or stubbed his toe, and his wails were like a painful squeeze in Bindu’s heart. She would cradle him close and comfort him in every way she could, reprimanding herself for not being careful enough, and kissing his pain away.

Outings were soon Krishna’s favorite things. He would look up at Bindu with doe eyes sparkling in hope and pleading to be taken out on a walk or to the park to play in the sand and on the swings and slides and see-saws. Any refusal was responded with cries and little tantrums that soon faded under the distraction of a favorite toy. Bindu would only smile and cuddle him at that, thinking of how children were blessed with the ability to be happy with the simplest of things.

Krishna was delicate and innocent and filled with wonder, deserving nothing but love and encouragement as he grew. Every phase was a challenge in its own way, testing Bindu’s patience right to its limits, and she knew that it was only with patience and kind words that would make Krishna into a happy, healthy, and successful individual.

The first day of school was filled with tears – a separation from the mother, even for a few hours, being the most difficult step in independence. It was a moment that was more than difficult for Bindu too, for her heart was not only yearning to have Krishna close to her all the time, not just because she missed him from the very moment she had stepped outside the gates of the school but because her mind was filled with endless worries.

Would he still be sad and crying? Would he get used to the new environment? Would he be safe? Would he eat properly? Would he make good friends? Would he be alright?

The beaming smile upon his face and the enthusiasm to go to school the next day had eased her worries. He was big boy now, ready to mingle with other children of his age and learn new things and explore the vast world around him. Bindu could only feel nostalgic. He had seemed like a wee baby only yesterday but he had grown up so fast.

It was soon sports days and school days with Krishna participating in competitions, exploring the many subjects of the world around him. Bindu would watch in excitement and anticipation while Krishna would run on the track field and jump over the hurdles. She had no priority besides every basketball match and theatrical play Krishna put effort into, wishing to be the best he could. Everything he participated in made her joyous, for Krishna got better and better. When he excelled in anything, Bindu felt like she had been served the world on a silver platter. There was nothing more she could ask for when Krishna’s eyes had searched for her first amid the crowd of parents, his smile widening as she showed off his achievement to the person who believed in him with every cell of her existence.

Birthday parties were a celebration too, not just for Krishna but for Bindu too. The laughter of her son and his friends that filled her house, entertained by the creative games they had come up with together along with the delicious cake and foods were fond memories to keep. It was also a way for her to be aware of how Krishna was growing, her wish to make him into a fine man, a desperate wish within.

As Krishna grew, Bindu’s thoughts evolved. She learnt to witness his perspective of the people and the world he saw and experienced. Being a mother was tough work, with many things to watch out for that could hurt her most precious existence in the world. She wished to be a shield to protect him from the darkness that lurked around and threatened to influence him in dangerous ways until he was big and strong enough to protect himself.

Krishna’s teen years were like those of any others. It was a stage of rebellion with the wish for more independence than ever, but without the necessary means of execution. There were often many things that required years of experience to merely understand, let alone do on one’s own, and it was a feat that made sparks fly between mother and son. While Bindu only wanted Krishna to be safe, the latter could not see past the refusals, rejections, and boundaries.

Bindu was patient though, understanding, and supportive, and wishing to guide Krishna to do all that he could in the way he wanted to, safely. It was a tough time filled with frustration, anger, and tears, ending in seeking comfort in her arms. She was the first one Krishna wanted to lean on, to get advice from, and see shining with pride when he finally achieved what he wanted to despite the hiccups along the way. It was a process Bindu did not hesitate to go through time and again, against all odds and exhaustion. It was only patience and empathy that got them through the few years of confused emotions and dreams.

She looked over her son now, a young adult, tall and handsome, and the pride of her family. His face reflected dignity, a charm that any mother wished to see in her children. She was blessed in that sense, having raised a fine gentleman through her boundless love, patience, and empathy – the three crucial things her mother had told her was necessary in motherhood.

Bindu was certain of her son’s success when family and friends no longer said ‘Bindu’s son’ but said ‘Krishna’s mother’. Success was not just in work and money but in family and commitments. Bindu was more than nostalgic when she first held her grandchild – a beautiful baby girl who she hoped would be showered with health and happiness throughout her life. It was time for her to watch her son and daughter-in-law raise their child, going through the experiences that she and her family had gone through till this very moment.

As a grandmother, Bindu showed no restraint in spoiling her granddaughter, treating her as a princess with not even half the restrictions she had imposed upon her own son. It stirred a clash of opinions followed by a laugh in defeat – Krishna could not say no to the unconditional love his mother gave his daughter, reminding him fondly of how he grew up. He wished that Bindu would instill in his daughter the same values of patience, gentleness, and kindness that she had instilled in him. It was her emotional balance that had been the most important more than anything else, and a feat that was hard for many to master.

“Amma,” Krishna said one day, sitting next to Bindu and watching his two teenage children playing in their yard, “what gave you the strength to be so patient with me when I grew up? What makes a mother’s love so special?”

A small smile was upon Bindu’s lips. Her son was doing a good job at raising his children but his wife was better. She was the key to the children’s success, after all, while being a calm, understanding and supportive parent, and making their home a safe place for them at all times. Krishna knew her thoughts from her gentle gaze upon his wife, and he too looked to her with fondness and a sense of awe.

“A mother’s love is like an endless ocean, Krishna, and a place where all the good and bad and accepted, cleansed, and given back with love and tenderness. It is a tough job with many physical and mental struggles, many of which the world does not see, that we do not let the world see. But it is the most rewarding,” Bindu said, gazing at Krishna with a wrinkly smile.

Bindu had been filled to the brim with happiness now, and she hoped that all mothers and children around the world would have exactly what they needed from each other and the people around them – a warm heart, a gentle hand, and an abundance of patience.

By Brinda Murthy