Me To Myself

By Caroline Sabitha

Zoologists say humans are social animal with 6 senses – to think and act. Sadly our kind proves that normal animals are better than us. Yet a little alter is all we need though it takes time.

‘Let’s just do it’ I whispered within my senses, repeated but didn’t move an inch; eyes focused on that one thing on my thighs.

With a final deep breath I wore it. It reached my mid – thighs; precisely how my pals imagined, I stood the embodiment of gorgeousness, with my nooks and crooks being boosted. For the first time ever I witnessed my pupil shimmer; in the absence of random flash lights.

I, Athirai looked at my first self - reflection of modern dress in my life. It took lots of courage to buy it keeping out of my parents’ consciousness.

Before I could even move an inch of my lips into a sweet curve I heard a voice. “It shows your naked shoulders, you can’t bend down with this dress.” I knew that I will hear this voice. “You look like a slut. People make bad comments on you.” Her each chiseled words wrecked a little thing called my self – confidence. With the tone of command she hushed the little positive voice of mine.

I abhorred her yet I cannot live without her. A heated debate followed between us. ‘Do you want others to look at your close to naked body?’ her daredevil voice gave a final blow. Concealing my face in my palms I shook my head in denial; she smiled in approval.

“This salwar suits you.” My mom complimented and did an Indian gesture of casting off evil eyes. “Between with whom you have been talking?” my mom asked peeping into my room; an empty room. Shrugging her shoulders my mom went away. ‘Didn’t I tell you that mom would love this?’ I heard her voice again, inside me.

None can see her; not even me. But I know she exists inside me; dictating me as she was drilled by the so called society; people call her conscience. And I have been caged by my own conscience, by my own damn self.

Yet she conveys truth though, people may gossip sinful about me; which I don’t want; never. Still I burn with the burden in my heart.

All these things clouded I strolled towards the adjacent street to my home, to my athai’s house. I carried with me the milk payasam mom wanted me to deliver. ‘You have to behave well.’ My conscience whispered.

‘Come come, my daughter-in-law!!!’ urgh there she goes again. I honestly wanted to shout at her face to not address me so. ‘Behave!!! She is elder to you. Give respect.’ I heard inside me. I gave her my finest false smile.

Inside, on the couch seated her 25 years old son to whom they are intending to tie my life. In actual fact I loathed him, a low – minded; shameful fellow. ‘But it is a tradition in India to marry morrai mama. Think how your relatives will treat you if you deny it!!!’ again her voice resonated. I exhaled and smiled at him, which he eagerly reciprocated, eyes as usual around somewhere ungentlemanly. I grew accustomed to it, that is how it had been proceeding since I embellished into a matured girl.

Next morning, I was waiting at a bus stop to reach my friend’s birthday party. Being too nervous, my first time travelling alone; first time leaving the shell of comfort. Series of whistles directed towards me; bolt of fear washed over. Thank goodness it wasn’t for me but for the girl beside; in a saree. She seemed too terrified than I did. The more she shivered the nearest they got to her. I took a step forward to help her when ‘Don’t be a fool! Turn around and walk. What if they target you the next and do the worst.’ I heard her voice. Being subservient I agreed and walked away; after all I am safe.

‘Oh what a poor girl!!! She should slap them.’ I got stopped with an empathy of a mid-aged woman. ‘Please anyone help her.’ I observed an uncle remark sipping his juice. ‘She must be a bad girl to be at this spot.’ I listened an another say. ‘I guess she cheated one boy of that group.’ It lengthened dragging her entire family. How could they gossip like breathing I exclaimed. Is this what we call as society? Bewildered I stood. Are we living in agreement with the judgement of such dull-witted? Later I noticed attentively, same dialogues echoed in my own mind by my conscience.

At that moment me, 18 years old girl figured out that my mind is corrupted; my conscience long turned nonsense. Few seconds later a hard slap was heard along with many gasps. My eyes emitted magma directing at each goons making them ran away. Every bottled up emotions got its way out. That girl clasped my hand with welled eyes and I embraced her with gratitude. She is the one who helped me, to understand what is life. I heard a big clap of two tiny palms of a little kid; a lone carefree category of this World. Getting inspired the roar of applause were given by the grown ups. My conscience remained hush gathering the new set of principles, don’t give damn about others but of right and wrong.

Only then I realized if we rewrite each of our conscience a far-reaching rectification will occur in the names of society.

Few years later I stood in front of thousands; 'motivational speaker' they address me as and I am proud of it. I initiated my talk, “How to not be mollycoddled by anything…..

By Caroline Sabitha