Maybe

By Jacob Thomas

Can we talk until I know who I am?

I'm tired of the silence.

I was so tired of pushing people away,

I didn't realize I pushed myself away too.

Do you hear the voices too?

The ones that tell you you’re not good enough?

No one around seems to hear their screams directed towards me

In a language only my paranoia could decipher.

I believed them.

I sat in silence, swallowed by their words.

The walls resonating each insult,

like they seemed to hate me for being alive.

Each word poking at a fresh wound,

one that refused to heal because I chose to stab at it myself.

I'm tired of being my own punching bag,

Of thinking that I need to change to make people happy.

Maybe I should stop asking questions,

because of the silence I’ve earned.

That maybe you could see through the cracks of my heart,

to realize that there was nothing worth cherishing inside.

I figured that you wanted me to go away,

that you would be better off without me.

In some way, you might have been.

I had to push you away because I was scared of hurting you

with the shards of the soul I shattered with my own hands.

Maybe in some time we could both be whole, like I promised you.

Because how could I be someone's other half

when I know that I'm worth nothing?

How can I steal your future from you,

by chaining you to someone like me?

Maybe I don’t need love right now.

After all, what's the use of loving someone

if I couldn't learn to love myself?

It's a slow journey.

Learning to accept the person you despised for so long.

I still look in the mirror to see a person I don't want to see.

But the cracks are starting to finally show what's underneath. Maybe that's enough for now.

By Jacob Thomas