Mary Amma

By Sindhu Manoj

For a child to grow into a responsible and caring adult, it takes the efforts and several unconditional sacrifices of many others apart from the parents alone. They could be teachers, siblings, uncles, aunts or other relatives or anyone else. For us it was Mary Amma. She was one of her kind, single piece, unique and certainly inspiring!

Her memories in my mind date back to the day my sister was born. It was in the hospital, when I came to see my sister that I think I realised that Mary (as we addressed her later on) had come to stay. Stay with us for a very long time indeed. 

She entered our family of four as a care taker, nanny, house keeper and cook all in one. When my mom was expecting my sister, she felt the need of someone who could handle the baby as well as home for a few days until she was back to normal. Unlike present days, there were no agencies that helped in these matters those days. Although, good domestic helps were available in plenty, it was still difficult for us to source one without seeking help from our known friends’ circles. It was after such searching and discussion that our family friends who lived in KGF for many more years before we were there, found Mary Amma for us. She was a cook in one of the Malayalee families that moved back to Kerala post-retirement. Mary had two daughters who were married and settled and was looking for a stay in place to work. That is how we found each other; and what a beautiful discovery she was! 

If I have to remember her today and write, it indicates that one need not be highly educated to influence people and inspire them; it is enough to be genuinely caring and understanding. That was Mary in a nutshell.

She quickly got to her feet and picked up the reins from where it was left and life began to move ahead with her being in the pivotal place. She took care of every single thing that was to be attended to at home. From rising at 4 am, cooking for us to match our taste, packing our lunch boxes, including my moms, cleaning and maintaining the household, taking care of us when mom and dad were at work or even short travels, we always had her to rely upon totally. She had managed to learn some Kerala style cooking from her previous workplace and so it was easier for my mom to mould her into our ways. She grasped very quickly, understood and behaved perfectly matching our needs; so much so that my parents at times discussed family matters and concerns with her and she had a solution to almost all concerns. She addressed my dad as “Thambi “meaning brother in Tamizh, which she spoke predominantly. She however understood Malayalam and English as well to some extent. She was a great cook, hygiene being her high concern. She cleaned and cleaned and even scolded us when we dirtied our clothes or messed up our room. She had a hobby too or rather a side- income business; knitting. She knew knitting and crochet well and she made us very sweet mufflers and sweaters with the wool that remained after she completed her work. They were so lovely that my mom made her do sweaters for everyone with our choice of colours that went with my dad’s & our uniforms. Winters were pretty cold in KGF and it was she who made us comfortable in her pretty woollen clothes that she made with much care. She always had enough work, either to knit or crochet. So, once she was done with her kitchen chores, she sat in her favourite place by the backyard knitting until we were back home. 

She was a believer and never missed the Sunday mass for which she had asked permission right as soon as she joined us. She found the nearest church and went there every week. Whenever we were bored, she told us stories from a tiny picture book she always carried which had in it the life of Jesus. It was very colourful and we listened to it all in awe. She taught us the greatness of Jesus and his sacrifice. She told the stories with such feel and involvement that it still remains in our hearts. It taught me to know, love and respect others faith and beliefs without being judgemental. She always visited her children during summer when we took a vacation to Kerala and during Christmas when we had our winter vacation. She always brought cake and Christmas delicacies when she returned.

She was strict and disciplined and very organised. She had a trunk in which she kept her clothes and some of her priceless possessions like The Bible, a few faded photos which included ours too, and most importantly very clean washed clothes ironed crisply. She loved wearing cotton sarees and my mom gifted her 2-3 every year during Onam and Vishu and even on other occasions when she bought for herself. Mary preserved them beautifully in her trunk, washed and pressed with a lot of naphthalene balls giving it a smell of freshness & and we instantly came to have a peek into her trunk when she opened it. 

She was friendly and a social being. Almost all our family members and friends knew her. Whenever there was a guest at home in the absence of my parents, Mary took charge, making them comfortable and offering them tea and snacks. Several friends shared their delightful experience to my parents and even told them that she was a very good find and an asset to the family. Family members who grumbled upon our decision to hire a care taker changed their opinion after they met her. She became so much family that everyone woke up calling on to her and depended on her to get ready and go to office and school. She gracefully played her helping hand without ever giving us a reason to complain. She was an expert home maker and chef. My mom had to just tell her a recipe once and she made it like an expert. We also got to eat her extremely tasty pulavs, kurma, vadas, etc that she made with expertise. My mom too learned some of it from her. 

Being strict and disciplined herself, she disliked us being messy and unorganised. It was her strict order to do the bed as soon as we wake up and not leave it messed up. We had also got thorough feedback on leaving our socks in the shoe without putting it into the laundry basket. Many times, we got it really bad for messing up our cupboards. But despite all she cleared up our mess and kept it in order. 

She loved plants and every time she saw a nice variety on one of her walks in our area, she got a cutting and placed it in our garden. She watered and nurtured them and told us to join her in that. We always enjoyed spraying water over the plants using the hose. We always had some flowers at home for Dad’s Pooja time. 

Mary joined our festivals and celebration with true spirits. She knew most of the dishes required for a decent Malayalee Sadya.including the payasams we liked. 

She gave a long list of necessary items required to her thambi, my Dad to buy before a celebration which we brought on our weekly trip to the town market. We’ve also seen her bargain with door step vendors for the greens and veggies. 

The care and concern she showed when I fell sick with jaundice and the days I spent bed ridden due to an accident that fractured my leg is irreplaceable and unforgettable. 

The best part about her was she was always happy and positive despite all her difficulties. 

Abandoned day her spouse at the prime of her age, she was left alone to bring up two daughters. In the initial years she worked as a chef with a British family from where she learned some baking and continental cuisine as well as intense hygiene. This was seen in her work at our home. The kitchen and the house in general were impeccably clean.

She had health issues too. Once in a while she got seizures, which seemed epileptic in nature. The day she gets it, she simply pours a lot of water over her head and rests for a while. She never disturbed us during her sick days. She managed herself and if in excess she went to her daughter’s place for a couple of days rest. I remember my dad going in the car to drop her and pick her up after she was better. She also had her routine visit to the post office (or the municipal office, I’m not sure) to collect her widow pension of Rs. 50\- that she got from the government. At times she had to bribe the officials with 10 rupees to get it on the day she visited and getting only 40 rupees. Still, she never complained. With her working at our place, her sweater business and this tiny pension, she earned more than enough and even helped her older daughter with many kids financially, when necessary. 

She was a strong person who swam against the currents with determination and prayers. I’m so thankful that she was a part of our lives teaching us many lessons of grace, dignity and self-reliance apart from being disciplined and organised. 

By the time my sister was in the final stages of schooling, Mary frequently fell ill and could not handle all the chores. She only took care of the kitchen. We hired other maids for cleaning purposes. Mary never really knew her age or date of birth. Whenever we asked, she said that she was born on the day a beer shop was opened in our neighbouring town called Andersonpet. That amused us. She said she was around 50 when she came to our place and now it was almost 20 years! Time flies…

Soon I left home for my higher studies to the hostel and Mary used to visit us rarely only due to her declining health. I met her only a couple of times when I came home during the semester vacations. 

We had moved into a bigger quarter by then and I remember her sitting under the neem tree in our verandah trying to knit a sweater with her weak hands and strained vision.

She tried to stick to her scheduled discipline, but that was becoming tougher for her. 

Soon I started missing her presence from home during my visits. I overheard that she’s unwell and may not be back as her daughter was not happy with her health conditions. 

My parents tried to check on her through a phone number her family provided. 

One evening, her daughter called up saying that Mary had left. We were devastated. We never knew that someone who joined our journey midway, who was not family by blood, could leave such a huge impact and void. I saw my dad cry for the first time. 

My parents went to see her one last time. I chose not to. I really don’t know why still. I never even asked anything more about it.

She was gone. May be on a very long leave.

I’m sure she must be thinking of us in heaven. I wish to let her know that we have got good husband’s and families that are caring and that I learned to cook well and my family liked my cooking. I’m still chubby, lazy and have never lost a gram. But I remember all the good things she taught through her life. 

By Sindhu Manoj