Marriage Is A Private Affair, They Say

By Ankita Thakur

When I first wrapped my head around the word marriage, I felt it must feel amazing to have a life

so perfect that you find new ways to mess it up yourself.

From the moment a girl is married, the name she has pinned from pinafore to job badge is

suddenly taken and ripped off and tossed along with her own sense of identity and recognition,

now she has a different purpose in life, which is to fulfil another’s.

As a child I’ve always heard, saving this for your marriage, or do whatever you want to after

marriage.

Parents sell marriage to young girls like slaves are sold the word emancipation; so the rest of

your 25-27 years you end up thinking about being freed.

But are you?

It’s just been given a new jail cell to live in that’s all.

You’ve to work in the house and your payment is satisfactory or unsatisfactory sex.

I still remember when my mother first got to know I’ve had sex, she tells me, “Yeh toh shaadi ke

baad zindagi bhar karna hai, whether you want to or not.” And I cannot explain the indescribable

horror that sentence has caused me.

It’s been years since she said that, but it still gives me a shiver down my spine.

Is that what I’ve been collecting my education certificates and accolades for?

To being a sex slave?

Is that why we are taught how to toss vegetables to cook food cause it’s symbolic of what we’ve

to do with our life’s work?

It’s like taking a perfectly well crafted vase by a potter, and then smashing it hard on the floor,

redoing the entire process according to the ways of another.

It’s taking everything you’ve been and changing who you are under the pretext of vows made in a

marriage.

I still see my mother make food according to what my father wants or we as kids want. One day I

asked her, what do you want to eat, and she doesn’t know.

Can you imagine being so shattered that you aren’t able to make your own choice of food cause

you don’t remember what you like anymore?

First it is spinning your life according to the ways of your parents who are moulding your life for

you to lead after marriage and whatever the by product of that is would never be good enough

for your husband’s family.

Like the words, “At least she’s trying.” Is something foreign.

The saddest part is the human thinking of ragging. If we’ve suffered, so will they, if we could

endure the pain, so can they.

That’s how ragging was formed which the mother in laws definitely master in, absolutely

forgetting that when they were in that position, they’d also not want anyone to treat them, the

way they are treating their supposed “daughter”-in law.

The word daughter does exist, you know?

And this isn’t even the worst part.

The worst part is, “Oh she’s taken my son away from me.”

REALLY?

And you have taken her away from her entire family and sense of freedom, pride and choice. That

is acceptable. Of course!

She’s a girl.

That’s what girls are made to do, anyway?

If you’ve gotten your son married, the living object that comes with him is his responsibility, for

the next sixty to seventy odd years.

THAT IS DOUBLE THE TIME SHE HAS LIVED WITH HER PARENTS.

DOUBLE.

Of course this isn’t enough, is it?

Now her clothes need to be modified too, whatever she wants to wear, will undergo a makeover

of some sorts.

I know how it was perfectly okay for my father to wear normal shirt pant for any Diwali day but if

my mother wore a salwar suit instead of a saree she would be frowned upon.

Hello? Excuse me? Why?

I wish there was an easier way through the marriage process, like being knocked unconscious to

have no memory for the past years of your life so now whatever this new family does to you, at

least it’s not causing insurmountable pain like being clawed against your will.

The woman in marriage is like that goat whose neck is slit and it’s crying out in pain, bleeding it’s

entire self out to satisfy someone else while the rest of the world pretends to do their work,

including the butcher like nothing has happened.

It’s so saddening.

It’s like purposely hanging a person from a cliff and then pulling her back up saying “oh look I

saved your life.” And the dumb girl believes that they did and now chooses to bestow her entire

life towards them.

Then there’s these acts of love. Children.

Annoying humans.

The sacrifice wasn’t enough with the new mother, father and husband.

So now you start sacrificing for these foolish acts of “love”

Now starts the mother of all sacrifices, leaving jobs, friends, if your new family let you keep any

and smelling like poop all day.

If I’m ever told to leave my job, I’ll lose my sanity. I will. The thought makes me so frustrated, I

don’t even know what I’d do if forced. I’d curse myself to be honest.

Now all your travel plans and everything in life is based off your husband’s and kids schedules

Now all your travel plans and everything in life is based off your husband’s and kids schedules

like you have no life of your own.

Why do women do this? Because it has been done for years? Well so was Sati and Johar and

other hundreds of practices in the name of religion. But things changed.

Things can be changed, but “jaisa chalta aa raha hai waisa chalne do.” This is a patent dialogue.

I thought writing this would lessen the severity of my headache but there are still so many things

which pop into my head, it’s beginning to be feel unbearable.

I’ve had zero sleep and twelve hours of headache just thinking about this, imagine those leading

a life like this?

Holy Hell.

Seeing a distressed woman pisses me off, like why the hell didn’t you ever voice your opinion?

Why on Earth did you let them suffocate you like this?

It makes a lot of sense to me why women aren’t given an education, because otherwise from

where would a woman who is solely dependent on her husband have the audacity to make

comments like I have, right? Makes the process all the more easier.

Marriage is sold as emancipation and I can swear to God that the only time my mother had felt

emancipated is to leave that magnificent bungalow and start over.

Taking two kids and moving away from the toxicity.

The husband, aka father, followed.

To be honest, even if he didn’t, we’d survive. But she won that war.

I don’t think life was easy for her even after then, it was still extremely difficult, but it was all on

her terms.

I think she’ll die a peaceful woman because of that one step of bravery into the unknown and I

don’t get why woman are so so scared to take that one step into the unknown, each one of us

has walked head first into an unknown family which is equivalent to walking into fire.

Don’t be scared. Voice YOUR problem, opinion, statement, issue.

VOICE IT. I’m hoping they kept our mouths for more than just to satisfy men.

I sincerely feel saddened for every woman out there who faces even a percent of any of this. I

feel it’s better to start over than to live a life at the mercy of others. - Marriage is a private affair,

they say.

By Ankita Thakur