By Nivedita Singh
Our society in general has been standing on pillars of optimism, faith, interdependence, and compassion. The present situation of pandemic, however, has weakened the pillars of trust and hope with its extent of destruction – mainly in terms of lives lost. This situation requires much more than sermons and talks; it requires more of empathy and communication. “Be positive”, “stay positive”, “All will be well” These are very usual phrases used by us when we try to comfort or console anyone. The intent here is pure and simple that positive words will pass on positive energy.
While this is a good approach to try strengthening the morale of anyone, it does have a hidden aspect which usually goes unnoticed. If someone is pained or grieved, asking them to just flip to become positive is like creating an environment of quasi positivity. Man differs from machinery – we have emotions filled within and unlike machinery, we are not controlled by click of a switch.
Emotions are defined as ‘a conscious mental reaction’ or ‘the affective aspect of consciousness’ (merriam-webster.com). Focus here is on ‘conscious’ which is something being seen, heard, touched upon, or felt in the present moment – the state which is most powerful. Asking someone to cut off from this conscious state and focus on something which is a probability of future is a difficult and tough task.
Let us talk in some depth with our emphasis on the emotions of our most important yet least involved segment of the family – kids. This situation has brought before them such experiences which any parent would never have prepared them for. The need to be confined within their home, spend hours and hours before screen, putting in so much effort even if to submit a day’s assignment and so much more like this. There are many who complain about the increased screen time for kids, do you think all this along is easy for them? Their social life, physical activities and entertainment are all compromised.
Do we talk often to them about how they feel? Or have we quietly accepted that they have settled down? These are important questions to answer.
While on one side are the major changes, they have had to experience in their day-to-day life, on the other hand is the emotional responses that they have to situations at home. Elders in the family generally take care of not letting (sad) news around the world reach these tender ears, what about the ones which are about your near and dear ones? News about relatives, friends, people known from your society and acquaintances, are generally heard by the kids in house. It is not new to understand that they are all ears to talks being made away from them or in a hush manner.
What do you think is the right approach – keep disheartening news away from them? Ask them to stay positive? Tell them all is fine? Talk to them openly and let emotions truly be acknowledged and then managed?
The last approach is what psychologically proves best. While kids up to the age of five are not emotionally too inquisitive, the ones older do respond emotionally to situations. If there is disturbing news at home, which in this situation is generally about losing someone, the best way to get a child handle it, is to talk to them openly. An event hits different people in varied ways and with diverse intensity. While the elders mostly talk about situations of sorrow and express their grief amongst themselves, they usually create a pseudo environment of ‘All is well’, when they come before the kids. This can tend to show an immediate well managed situation but in the long term, suppressing emotions is detrimental to mental health of a child.
In the world of today, kids are well aware of many such things which we may not expect them to have knowledge about. Life and death are a cycle and kids know very well that once someone is gone, they are not going to come back. As with elders, the gap felt for a deceased is huge, even for kids. Also, when someone is ill, kids can very well understand that something is not right.
A 12-year-old comes up to her mother and asks why God took away a neighbourhood uncle when his daughter is just 6 years old. The mother either keeps silent or tells her some story which does not convince her, yet she portrays to have accepted it.
Do you think the ocean of questions in her mind has stopped? NO.
Instead, many new ones might have emerged. It is a proven fact that remembering past painful experiences brings in thoughts of grief much faster than remembering good things brings for joy. Now, here when emotions are suppressed, a child carries a baggage of unsolved queries along and this affects mental health significantly.
What can then be done? Do we share all news of sorrow with kids and make them emotionally weak? NO.
We should equip our kids with SHAKTI – an approach towards strengthening kids’ personality and equip them with mental forte and resilience.
S – Self Compassion: The most important aspect of a strong personality; Self Compassion helps a person identify best with oneself and thus know exactly what his strengths and weaknesses are. When one is well aware of his/her inner self, he/she is able to manage the outward responses to situations better.
H – Happiness Quotient: Always communicate to your child about a Happiness Quotient which is very essential for a well living. How much ever difficult a situation is, there is always a reason to be thankful for and that itself is a reason to be happy for. This also teaches a child to value every big and small thing in life and practice gratitude.
A – Acceptance: Any situation or emotion requires acceptance as its first step to move ahead or make modifications. If a child is sad, acknowledge that instead of creating a quasi-environment of him being happy or just normal. When the right emotion is identified, it is then worked upon and brought to a conclusion. If left as it is, however, the same emotion leads to unwanted beliefs and habits.
K – Knowledge (not data load) – Sharing information about anything, be it the current pandemic, is vital for a child’s right development. Too much of anything is bad and so is too much of data sharing (scaring – when it comes to sharing Covid related data). Keep the kids updated about what the issue is, what is being done for managing the situation, what essential precautions are required among others. This gives them kind of authority for their own life and also for their near and dear ones. They know what right approach is and design it themselves, instead of anyone imposing stuff on them. They feel empowered and courageous to take on situations individually then.
T – Talent or Skill: Education is what schools provide but skills development is what parents can promote. With no social interactions, no physical games (in parks or fields) and no source of entertainment other than the screen, kids become anxious at times. Developing a co-curricular skill or any habit which involves creativity, keeps the mind active. These could be simple things like gardening, DIYs, music or cooking among various others. These prove to be of great advantage not only for kids but elders too.
I – Involvement: When we make kids in the house do creativity work, know about situations and handle them, we are indirectly involving them in management of their own lives. This may seem too much of pressure on kids in the short term, but they gradually start enjoying it. In the long term, what we nurture are great personalities who are very resilient and mentally strong to handle situations. These are kids who do not yearn for support but are equipped to become the support for people around them.
Thus empower your kids with SHAKTI and acknowledge the working of their little minds.
By Nivedita Singh
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