Male Gaze

By Shreya

Blissful, light as a feather I trot

 I turn six, my gift is train

 They keep a close watch on me

 Yet I get to handle mom’s purse

 Already feeling the burden of my age

 I walk to and fro down the aisle

 Mum looks scared, more for her purse I guess

 I laugh and show her how responsible I am

 People here are so friendly

 I talk and talk and talk till most of them leave

 There’s one uncle whom I like the most

 He calls me for a chocolate,

 oh what a birthday

 I sit on his lap, chocolate all over me

 His hands all over me,

 He shows me scenes out the windows,

 Adjusts my frock

 and asks me to lick the chocolate off his fingers,

 When I say Eww, he doesn’t get offended,

 instead, he laughs and wipes it off on my legs

 ‘Now you’re gross,’ he says

 And pinches my nose

 We fight and laugh

 my mother comes

 With a scared look again,

 I tell her I didn’t misplace her purse

 I tell her I’m sorry I ate so many chocolates

 I apologize for a million things

 Which I might have done wrong,

 She grabs me by hand,

 I couldn’t even say goodbye to him.

 I’m on my seat again, under a blanket

 I am not sure but

 something feels off

…….

 With

 Hangover headache nausea

 A good way to

 turn twenty

 I’m aware many will detest

 We go out, my friends

 I’m the most dressed, well why not

 It’s my birthday

 People look at me differently

 I know why

 I cover my cleavage,

 but still, they look

 I know why

 I pull my skirt down a bit,

 And still they stare

 I know why

 This bodycon,

 wish I could get changed into oversized

 I glue my eyes down,

 I stop to notice and it’s a perfect lunch

 It’s night and the booze couldn’t kill us

 We again party

 We go out,

 I wear my boyfriend’s clothes

 Maybe I’m just too drunk to observe

 Or luckily

 Because I am dressed as a boy,

 In the vaguely spinning world,

 I notice no one looking at me

…….

I’m not a fashionista like my friends

 Their Instagram I must mention

 Each photo with so many likes

 I haven’t even got that many friends

 Let alone friends,

 Acquaintances even

 Their body you can imagine

 A perfect hourglass

 I gym and am laughable

 I am considerate, I call it cute

 I used to secretly mock

 When they say their secret is just water

 I mostly feel like a boy with them

 unobjectified

 They dress for hours

 and I am jumping in my pyjamas

 I don’t mind normally,

 but I just got dumped

 He’s with one of those pretty people now,

 I guess that makes sense,

 I can’t compete

 I stalk her profile, I read the comments

 It makes complete sense

 So I gym even more,

 guess my body repels it

 I see no change and I dread going out tonight

 I see myself in a mirror,

 short skinny stupid

 I choose the shortest dress I find, heels and push-up

 I still look gross,

 I apply some makeup

 I reveal myself a bit

 I am unrecognisable from yesterday

 I’m not sure if I look good

 I take a quick walk outside

 and eyes of a few strangers tell me

 I look attractive

 I’m so pathetic

 To get the male gaze for my ego boost

 But that’s how it is for now

 That’s how I know

 That I exist

 Guess being 25 fucks you up.

By Shreya