Lost Fate

By Asra Khan

31st December 2017 ……….

Murky sky , foggy dusty streets of Delhi , it is almost 6 o clock in the evening and the sun too looks murky like this sky . I was at noida metro station , so lost I was that day observing people running to and fro in such a hurry as if all were participating in a race . I wondered why people were running ? we all are going against the flow , maybe that is why we all are in race of getting the satisfaction , But is everyone satisfied with what they have or what if we achieve everything we dream of , will life be more easy after that ?

We all are lost , difference is that some faces express but some hide inside their hearts . No one among us is satisfied with life , we are never satisfied , we always want more . What is life ? this four letter word convulses my mind , it hits so hard to this brain that sometimes it becomes more difficult to come back from the world of imagination . sigh ! it has been now almost 20 minutes I am waiting for the metro and in the meanwhile sky was drizzling as monsoon showers were now ready to drench the Delhi streets , after a long waves of heat and humidity some relief will be felt .That rain puzzled my thoughts and in one glimpse I looked up , I tried to feel those droplets of rain but metro arrived in between , if I could be there for sometime , my thoughts too would have been sinked . sometimes these little things of nature make you so blissful and it seems that only this is the real heaven .Finally I sat down inside the metro and it seemed like my whole body was tired but that weather and cloudy sky looked so beautiful , even my mind was not ready to stop dancing with joy , that time if I would have not been in metro I would have surely danced in rain . I remember how humid that morning was and how calm and soothing weather was in evening , well I feel that every moment of this life from Dawn to Dusk is a miracle , somewhere always a rose is opening petals to the dawn and somewhere always a flower is fading in the dusk. I still have to cross few more stations to reach my destination ‘’jamia millia islamia, as I knew it will take some time to reach my destination I thought of writing few lines . I love to give voice to my inner words , I love to express my feelings through my writing . I took a pen and diary from my bag and it was the only weather of that day which made my mood to write something .

“Why sky wouldn’t weep over the thoughts of writer

Silence of the soul have numbed the hope of my heart

These droplets of rain are yelling asking questions to my pen ,how much you have to write more

I wish this beautiful soul could rise again . “

These droplets of rain are yelling , she said in a very soft voice , I smiled back to her.

Vidhi my good name and you she asked ?

Asra ..she read my lines and was smiling while reading those lines . Are you studying English literature she asked ? No I am from sociology background , pursuing my BA [HONS ] sociology from jamia milia islamia ….oh great , you are from ? she asked .

I am from Kashmir …

Ok .. very nice Kashmir is a very

beautiful place , though I have not visited but I have seen in movies ….

Indeed Kashmir is beautiful ….i replied .

You don’t miss your home , vidhi asked me ?

Well yeah I miss my home but there is no other option , so I just carry on without thinking too much , I pay less heed to this that I don’t belong to this place

You stay in hostel , right ?

Yeah ..

Hostel must be boring ? how is your college going

No , hostel is not boring , I guess if you have good people around you , no place is bleak , I don’t say that everything is going good but yeah I now manage to make everything fine . I have some friends in hostel they are really nice and I think that is what you need . no doubt it is not cake walk to manage everything all alone ,that peaceful shell where life was so humble , where my tenet was that life is always beautiful seems to be dream now , I sometimes wonder that I am really not the person I used to be before coming to Delhi, I can feel the difference. Anyways I am speaking something else ,well I spend most of my time in college and college is like another family away from home .

How is Delhi ? ….she asked

Honestly telling I think Delhi is restless and sometimes it seems so depressing , I am still struggling to get adjust with this place but the good thing about this place is that I have met some best people of my life in Delhi , few were not of my choice but still , it is a good experience .I met some cordial people , I met some selfish people as well but beyond this I met myself differently here.

Do u think it was your fate that bought you here , I mean are you satisfied , vidhi asked ?

Well vidhi I don’t know what bought me to Delhi as this was never my choice, I expected according to my own wishes and I got what exactly was opposite of my fate . sometimes it is better to accept the things way they are and we should live with what we accept and when it comes to satisfaction there is not any other option even if I am not satisfied , so I don’t think about all this .i sometimes become the enigma , I tried to procrastinate the false assumptions , Appalling it is that this sojurn taught me to be selfish and I don’t know when I became so pensive about life . The life I am living here is like race , running for everything where peace of mind , where being in your own shell is the most good thing , where trying to fix the things at your own is the blessing ….All this is what Delhi is for me .

Tell me something about yourself vidhi ? Do you like Delhi and how is life going ?

I am only telling everything about myself and didn’t asked about you , sorry ! …no its ok , no need to be sorry , I am enjoying this company , since a long I am talking to someone and feeling good . Anyways what should I tell you about me, I mean I have maybe many things to tell but from where should I start . she smiled but I noticed her facial expression , I felt some kind of agony , kind of sadness in that smile ?

Vidhi are you ok ….?

Yeah I am fine and tears felt down from her cheeks , I am ok but when you asked are you ok ,I thought that you noticed my hidden silence , I am wandering hopeless and travelling without knowing where my destination is but I don’t know why I do so , I travel to keep myself away from everything .I just travel to escape from my fate , I just travel to shut my mind that is full of memories that cause agony and depression

I am so sorry vidhi , I should have not asked you to tell something about you , but why you run away from your fate , this is reality everyone has their own fate and everyone really adores to think about their fate and I know this time you wouldn’t understand my words but trust me the day when you will stop running away from your ownself will be the day you will really love to find out why you are running from everything , All you need is patience and trust this time , it may be the bad time but it is never your fate or life that is bad …..This too shall pass , Time will change vidhi .

Lost in your words vidhi said ….

Well vidhi I was simply explaining you the things that might be simple for others but people like you, I mean people who cannot hold on for a while to think about solutions will find these things more difficult to understand . vidhi sometimes we take decisions in a very least time ? like you were about to cry and you actually cried , if I would have not asked you about the reason or suppose I was not here this time to divert your mind , honestly tell me , what would have been the result

I still might be crying , she replied ….

Correct , so wasn’t it the decision you might have taken in rush. Listen instead of crying you could have asked few questions to yourself , you could have controlled your mind but you didn’t .you know vidhi what crying is , it is the most easiest way to escape from everything pain , problem ,anxiety whatever but slowly it takes control of our mind and sometimes life as well that’s why I suggested you to cry but once only ,when you are done never shed your tears again .For me these tears are symbol of my weakness , when you know you are weak and still keep on loving your weakest point then don’t expect this world is going to help you , this world will attack you , kill you , suffocate you , they don’t care even if you are suffocating , they will lacerate your emotions , so make sure you don’t show the world your weakest point . I wish I could help you in every possible way but I cannot predict when you will again meet me , it was just a coincidence we met here but all I can say to you is stay strong no matter how hard and how difficult the situation is . where are you going vidhi ?

I don’t know where am I going , she replied , I left without even knowing where I am going ,I was just trying to escape from negative thoughts and I found travelling like wanderers a brilliant idea . I know this is not any brilliant idea but still I have no other option .

How many times will you escape vidhi , make your inner world beautiful and whenever this outer world will make you feel sad , enter your inner world , explore that , I guess it’s the best adventure . well you are absolutely right , we can explore our inner world but can I found my fate inside me , I don’t think so , for finding this fate we have to come out from this philosophical world , fate is not something you can explore inside you ….she said .

It is indeed very interesting that fate is not something we can explore inside us and seriously I never thought about this . why are you so serious and very desperate about this fate …..i asked ?

Well yeah I am , because I lost my fate thousand times , I never expected few things but that actually happened . I have craved for this fate but unfortunately I never get it .

I think fate is not something that is in our control , so why are you so dejected about fate , I still remember the words of my teacher who once said that there are very few people in this whole universe who have such a good fate that they receive what they wished for but rest of the world is accepting what they get , they make best out of it and are more successful in life.

Maybe but I am so sorry I can be positive about other things in life except this fate . I hate this fate more than anything else in this world . you know what this fate is simply illusion , there is no fate , there is no destiny …she said , one day we all make plans and next day those plans are shattered and tell this to someone , they will reply it was not in your fate. You struggle your whole life for something that means world to you , you burn yourself to reach your destination and within few seconds you are left with regret you never asked for and then people will say it was not in your fate …very exasperating statement . I have never accepted this fate as part of my life . I don’t believe in fate and destiny , all this is nothing simply a delusion , simply a mirage . when I was a child my grandmother used to say your fate will be bright and when my favourite toys broke down she used to say god will gift you another good thing , more beautiful than this , more valuable than this , when I grew up she left me , I was very much attached to her , I accepted her words and waited what good thing I will receive , she too left me . come on now don’t again say this is fate …I wish I could ask nani what I received , what better things you talked about but this fate separated me from my grandma . still I was doing good , I thought alright , I will be calm and will hold the hand of patience . I was not able to make myself understand for months that my grandma was gone and you know what hurts me more , I was not there with her , I still remember that day when I was running and I did every possible thing to reach her but I missed my flight and there was not any other option left in front of me . I was studying in Bangluru for my MBA . weather was very bad that day , sky was raining cats and dogs and same were my eyes .Rain washed all the streets and my tears washed my heart .you know what ,raining season is very depressing for me , it is always as painful as the day nani left me . who did this ? fate ..there are many reasons why am I so negative about this fate . it has deceived me , bemused me , I have yelled all because of this fate . After that I was depressed for a long period of time , because I was left all alone , I have suffered every second , every minute but there was hope because nani told me that if something is lost better thing is rewarded , I was living only because of these words . you know what I was so negative about life even about my studies as well ,about everything , I was hardly interested in the activities now .things that used to be the part of my life seemed meaningless now , it was like everything is at halt and even me myself was at halt . I used to sleep hours so that I could not wake up in this reality again which was nothing else but the heart wrenching incident of my life . It took me two years to recover from everything .it was after two years I somehow decided to start living again because nani always wished for me to be a successful business women .MBA was my passion but to be a good business women was the dream of my nani . I decided I will go back to Himachal where I was grown up and where I can find all of my treasures because those noisy streets of Bangluru reminds me that day when I got stucked in traffic jam , I missed my flight and my nani. Walking again and again on those dusty streets reminded me the days of agony , all I need was silence and peace

I tried to console her …..all she could said was , I am fine ..

She hated fate because fate had really killed her , she said when she was six year old ,her parents were travelling from Canada to Himachal and the plane got crashed when it was about to land . six year old kid waiting at airport to see her parents received their dead smile , six year old kid who only loved to listen the voice of her parents received the answerless silence .

I was silent after hearing all this , I was not able to even console her what could had I said that everything will be fine , but how was that possible . she replied I don’t think about all these things because these things make me sad , weak and dejected about everything , I don’t want to be the victim of destiny , I don’t want to receive any kind of sympathy , all I need is open sky , all I need is my world where my thoughts could gain a marvelous height where my dreams could flaunt without chains .

Yes vidhi this is going to happen very soon , what are you doing in Delhi when you were already shifted to Himachal ?

She smiled back to me and this time she laughed a little , do you really think it was that easy for me to live in Himachal ,no my dear ,fate kicked me out of that place as well , after coming back I started a small café , it worked very well for some years but my own relatives conspired and I was again shattered , my dreams got shattered as well , that’s why I opted Delhi to find my lost fate in these dusty streets and I guess my fate too must be faded in this city of dreams .

What are you doing here ?

Nothing special working in MNC , my only aim left is to survive not to live ,don’t know how much more I have to survive but I just survive anyways .

I wish I could talk to you for few more minutes but I will take another metro from next station , I hope we will meet again …good bye . All the best for your studies , live your dreams .

When she left , I kept thinking about her , I was very much lost in her conversation , I mean how she could have managed everything all alone and how many places she had been just to find a little peace in her life , just in search of hope she came to Delhi . sometimes it becomes so difficult to believe that fortune turns like a wheel , why some people are rewarded good fate and some really bad and terrible destiny , why is it so difficult to get the satisfaction . The only thing that no one can answer is why ? ………

Why ? …….this really kills everyone .

When I reached jamia Millia metro station and I stepped out of metro and that cold breeze touched my face and it was really blissful to feel that cold breeze after long waves of heat , down the stairs of the metro station I asked rickshaw puller if he could drop me to the hostel that is about 4 minutes walking distance from the metro station …’’G MADAM G CHALI GE ‘’…….20 rupay

I smiled back, chalo bhaiya ….[ok , drop me to hostel gate ]

When those wheels of rickshaw were moving in a circle , I could see that road getting blur and I thought of vidhi , her words left a mark inside my mind . I tried to divert my mind but I don’t know why her face is appearing in front of my eyes again and again . In a meanwhile Rickshaw puller asked me ‘’MADAM AAP KAHA SAY ‘’( Madam , which place do you belong ) ? ….i replied Kashmir

Acha …(OK) ….he said , suna hai waha kafi thand padti hai ( I Have heard that Kashmir is very cold region ? he said

Haa….yes…I replied

I don’t know why I just felt very sad after meeting vidhi , rickshaw puller was talking to me but I was not able to hear because I was lost somewhere else , all I was wishing for was silence , horns of cars on the road annoyed me and all I wanted was to reach my hostel ASAP .

Madam g , ….AAP ka hostel ? ( madam , you reached your hostel )

When I stepped inside my hostel premises , I sat never hostel canteen stairs and it was the time of dusk , sky was little bit clear now after the few spells of rain , it was reddish color as if someone has thrown colors of despise over it , color of my face withered away just like that sky , one and only word fate was dancing inside my head . suddenly a bird in front of me pecked few pieces of bread and left some pieces over there ,after having that bread fled away up in the sky , brownish fluffy cat too ate those pieces of bread and I wondered again, do birds and animals have fate? and if they have , so what kind of fate is it? Birds have open sky , animals have open ground !

Oh god , what I am thinking , what I am searching , what I need right now , all these things are disturbing me …again rain drops started trickling from the sky .Deep inside I uttered to myself that one should never forget that beautiful sunset need cloudy sky .After a hectic day i was feeling so tired , I took the cup of tea from canteen with some cookies , after having a tea I felt little bit ok and I went to my hostel room , I switched on my table lamp and sat on my bed with pillow under my head and within few minutes I felt asleep , around 9 ‘ o clock in evening my cell phone ranged and I just woke up and got out of room to see how the weather was , it was cold outside , hostel paths looked drenched and the dim lights of hostel premises seemed so beautiful . that evening I went out for the evening walk and again vidhi’s conversation put me in a deep thought ,while walking I noticed how rain has washed everything , trees look so green and the dusty streets of Delhi look different today as if those droplets have yelled today , have cried today and this sky looks beautiful maybe it has washed away every despise today .Dim lights , Damped roads .That day silence was inside the shining moon as well . I don’t know what kind of feeling was that . It was the mixture of both sad and blissful thoughts .

Fate ? ….this word again striked my mind , was the sky too having its own fate , so what fate it was holding , someday clouds wrap it so tightly that maybe sky too would thought that sun will not rise .Does the sun promise to shine ? but still it rise because that is the fate of the sun , it has to rise even if it burn so badly to rise , but that is its fate . everything in this world has a fate , and everything in this world is living with that fate .But why was it vidhi’s fate to live all alone and for her what would have been the hardest part , maybe to live without hope , sometimes it becomes difficult to fill the void , the emptiness that is left inside your heart

Sigh ! …sometimes people just don’t let pain turn their heart into something ugly ,they show that survival can be beautiful ,that’s what vidhi was doing .That night I thought I would write few lines , I will jot down what ocean was inside my soul .But for hours I tried to write , my paper was blank just like me , I tried hard to write the story of vidhi but it was all I did for hours . sometimes it is too difficult to think and sometimes it is more difficult to express someone’s feelings in words . My thoughts were about to run but the pen stuck to the table till dawn and when the sun was about to rise I wrote few lines .

‘’ standing all alone, she was at the shore of the memories ‘’

Sparkling sun touched her frozen thoughts ,why is it always a struggle to find the road

Scared of rainy season , scared of despise

Can’t see myself anymore , who was she ?

She was like the bird caged in the prison , if sky is always wide open to fly , why people adore to be caged . can’t just the fate bring some joy to all the barren fields .

I don’t know why my hope too was becoming weak after meeting vidhi . I too started asking questions to my fate , I too believed that fate doesn’t care about our plans . once I was so positive about this fate but now what I am thinking , every slight thing makes me wonder , I question everything now , but what if you survived from desolation and the hands you once thought don’t let you do anything are the hands that have some passion now , when you know all dark nights have passed , when you know you believe in yourself , how comes your fate has not changed ? I was no doubt questioning this fate but at the same time I was becoming so positive , I was explaining myself that fate definitely changes . sometimes for the good and sometimes for the better but never changes for the worst .

Some people once thought that their wounds will never heal but today those wounds are scars now , some thought dark nights never pass but today they are living their dreams , those who were lost once in the world of delusion are now dancing in the world of reality . so you should always remember that change is always positive .

Don’t be scared even if you feel bereft of hope , even if dreams are no more alive , you still are strong and with every defeat you should learn to smile .

‘’ There is another world , world without fair , world without any harm , there is another garden without thorns , without any agony just the fragrance of new beginning , there is another place where your soul no more yell .yes this place exists inside you .

I know that my mind was like the faded flower , no more fresh , it was like the cloudy sky , my soul was covered with mist and suddenly dust flowing like the breeze touched my feet as if this breeze was telling me to be calm but why was such ocean inside my heart , I wish I could fall asleep and when I will wake up my mind wouldn’t be like this , I hope I could forget that I met someone who was in search of her fate , I wish I could not recall that conversation again but it was not that easy to pretend that nothing matters , everything was at halt . There was no peace of mind as if this universe was numb . I wish every dejected soul on this earth could rise again .

Maybe we are responsible for our heartbreaks and maybe everything that happens to us is not always about fate and destiny , maybe we have not trained our mind to be practical , if we think that any road leads to nowhere , why don’t we just accept that , why don’t we just listen to our vibes , why we put everything in the hands of fate , we should sometimes accept the reality without telling lies to yourself , we should give some time to our vibes and time will surely come when we will love to accept the reality and we will not develop any negative attitude about this life and even if thousand of difficulties cling us , we will not look for escape mechanisms , we will live with the reality .

One day vidhi came in my dream and she said “ we cannot force our fate to stay according to our wishes , if something is leaving , let it go , no matter how important thing is going to leave , let it go … and the day is going to come when you will thank your fate for everything and whatever happened was good in a real sense and I now say whatever I faced since childhood that was good for me and trust me , my past doesn’t stir my heart anymore because past is gone forever , I am free bird now , I am not in the prison , I trust myself and I am at that stage of my life where I am living with full hope without any expectations from this fate ,I tried my best to be happy maybe my best wasn’t enough but at least I did that .fate too changes but you have to stay loyal not only to yourself but also to this world and be proud that you have overcome from every struggle , after every dark night sun will rise .

Destiny is not what you will wait for , you have to achieve it .

I don’t carry those depressing memories because whenever memories hit me , I again become negative about this fate , memories are slow poison , don’t carry the diary of memories , all you need is the diary of strength and the day will come when you will say , I did everything no matter how but it was done .

‘’ I am happy now and I don’t search my lost fate anymore because my fate was always inside me and I never tried to find it , finally my search has come to an end and there is another journey for me but that is not the journey of search that is the journey of peace .

When I woke up , I felt I have got peace and it was 2 Am , I looked at myself in mirror and I get myself out of the bed , rubbed my eyes again and I realized it was a dream. for hours I was looking up gazing at the stars and moon as if sky was celebrating the victory of vidhi .

I don’t know was this dream a reality or just a dream but whatever it was she finally left her weakness behind the dark shadows and now she is chasing her dreams .

We will meet maybe , but I hope she will find her lost fate .

Moistened eyes , hidden lies and all the memories blurred in a while .

By Asra Khan