Life In A bubble

By Divya Botula

As I sit to write this, I have no idea what I’m doing to write about. You see I had so many things I wanted to share. I did think about a few topics. Social media madness, me living in a bubble, the pandemic how it changed everything but right now my mind is blank. I suppose it maybe because I procrastinated until the last moment to write this like I do with every other thing in my life. It’s not that I’m lazy or that I’m not interested, it’s just the way I am, I think. I don’t consider myself a good writer. I started writing my book almost 2 years back but I have been able to write only a chapter of it. All of the story is in my head but for some reason I just can’t get it into writing. I also think it is a problem of mine to articulate my thoughts into words. As you see I’m an introvert. I hate being around people. My close friends have pointed it out so many times but that’s just the way I am. I have been told that I should be more open towards new people. But I’m just not comfortable with it. New people freak me out. I’m not an only child. I have 3 other siblings and I come from a big family. I don’t know how I turned out as an introvert. I’ve noticed that my energy goes down when I’m around people. I’m at my best when I’m alone. I don’t know if it’s a good thing to want to be alone all the time. I just don’t want people to intrude my space. I’m very particular about certain things. I like things to be done in a certain way, my things being placed in their place. I guess I have mild OCD. I think I’ve developed it because I like to be control of things which I think are in my control. It comes with my insecurity with uncertainty. I don’t like changes and surprises. I like to be in control of my life. I think this can be expected when you’ve had a childhood where there was less stability. After all your childhood shapes you to be the person you are now. You can always change it but the

person you are at the core will never change. Surely, you can get over your insecurities, become a better person. It does take a lot of time and effort to do so along with some support either from your family or friends. I don’t know where I’m going with my life. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. For now, I’m just existing on a day-to-day basis. Life is very uncertain and thinking about it gives me anxiety. Maybe that’s the reason I stopped dwelling on it. I’ve developed the “let’s see what happens” attitude. Nothing interests me anymore. I don’t get excited about anything. I’ve become a cold-hearted bitch without any emotions. I don’t have the energy to make any changes. I’m at that stage of life that I had to be dead the next moment I wouldn’t be having any regrets or something I have to do before I die. Is this any way of living. I mean I’m okay with it but I also want to travel, see places. But the world I’m living in my head and my actual world are way too different. My head is my safe space and I don’t want to come out of it. I’ve been living in a bubble these past few months and it’s been good. I managed to keep sane and in control. I was on the verge of loosing it. This constant cycle of people, their problems, their negativity has been weighing down on me. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Real life got hard. I think it’s good to take time for yourself, to remove yourself from those situations where you are losing yourself. I have some semblance of control and peace that I haven’t had in a very long time. Being an adult is hard. You have a career, responsibilities, social life. So many things to juggle. It’s not easy especially when you don’t have enough people to listen to you and support you without expecting the same from you. Seeing as the average life span is reduced to 50, I’m having kind of a mid-life crisis. I don’t like my job. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t figure what else I could do with my life. It’s so confusing. I don’t know what I’m good at. All my life I concentrated on being a good person, a better daughter, friend and sister. I don’t know what makes me, me. I wish I knew. I wish I have alternative career options. Apparently, I’m good at making up stories but what good is it when I can’t translate them into words. I hope I make some changes in my life for the good. I figure out what I’m good at and my next steps. I hope I become more open to welcome new people in my people. After all I’m just a stupid Young Adult trying to figure out life.

By Divya Botula