Lies Stashed

By Peacock Secrets

I call my musings the Peacock secrets of a Brown Unicorn’s Butterfly, Mermaid, Queen.

They lied to me when they told me my home was safe

That a little girl would feel safe from harm

Have a safe place

They said ummi is a better word than mommy

Said my Ummi would never take a roofing shingle to my throat

Said abi is a better word than daddy

And Abi would never beat us with his martial arts training sticks

That surely Ummi wouldn't do the same

But a million times more often

But at least when Abi beat someone with a 2-by-4-inch wooden beam, it wasn't me

After all, Abi was always away working. So,

My 12-year-old sister… she'll be alright, right?

Like when TV said that mothers cupped kids' faces rather than going on the attack

And mommas don’t assault you for eating their favorite bagels

Heck, that's just a snack!

That abis don’t bowl you into the New York City gutter

Grown men looking on, frozen in horror

But I'm the one shook

It seems no one knew what to do

Least of all, a daughter

These men avoided addressing it altogether

Later, adults would lie: “It'll get better”

It didn't.

So someone snuck me food to feed my siblings

Community members gave me a coat after my father kept me in the cold

New Jersey winter be darned!

I-I-I-I have a coat now!

So now snow can kiss my grits!

Not that there's any in the apartment

Abi said, "I shop once every 2 weeks. Choose milk or yogurt

Choose jelly or syrup

Choose. Choose"

What could I do?

I had no choice but to hide the free lunch meat received...

...So soon after Abi said choose sandwich supplies:

Peanut butter and jelly or tuna

How I thank Allah for hidden halal turkey ham, bologna, and salami

Hide the lettuce, stash the Little Debbies

Each sibling gets one

Each Lil Debbie reaches three lil girls and a boy

Lil bro, don’t forget your hidden chips

A secret stash

Abuse secrets stashed

And when my stash was discovered,

Abi was as cool as a cucumber

Saved his hateful rage for when I was given popsicles

I should have never given them to my siblings

Should have never licked them

Should have never had my face in the path of his palm

My body in the way of his Kung Fu hurl

Good thing the side of the donated couch breaks falls

Doesn't it?

Think of better times. Think of good things

Good thing Ummi can kiss away tears

as well as she can sear

The crescent of a belt buckle into my face

But she's absolved

It was my fault

See, she was aiming for my butt cheeks

But my face cheeks got in the way

Now I have a scary scab on display

"I fell," "I hit my face on a doorknob"...

I knew all the right lies to claim their innocence

Tap into earlier experiences

Innumerable incidents

With increasing incidence

Fathomless fountains of pain

Always drinking from them before driving

Always careening and screeching

down memory lane

But now, it’s like my Grandma used to say:

“Nay Nay Boomstray, not today!”

Today, I rip off the band-aid

Today, I revel in revealing

The scarred tears

The scabbed heart

The shattered skin

Today, I unveil a bruised soul

And the little girl within

Who says, “Ummi and Abi

Something's wrong with them!”

Back then,

I was too scared and couldn’t call 9-1-1

But now, Adult Me is ready and strong

And Little Me is fed up after all the decades gone

Today, Little Me splays my scars to the sun

Tonight, Little Me howls my wounds to the moon

Wailing:

How is it that…

When I tried to stand my ground,

I got knocked to the ground,

And I lost ground?

Had to get to hallowed ground

And if Kid Me tried to flee,

My flight got grounded

"That teenager stays grounded"

So now, Little Me grabs fistfuls of earth

Here's the ground. Hug the ground. Hog the ground

Got to gain ground

To somehow un-ground my feelings from gravity

So my cries can climb to heaven.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

And as my howl reaches its crescendo,

I behold on the night's horizon

A tall Black woman

Her crown is an afro

aflutter with butterflies

She brings a brown unicorn on her left

And a peacock out in front

She invites me to her right

She is my fortress

She is me

And I

have arrived

By Peacock Secrets