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Letters I Wrote From The Moonlight In My Bedroom

By Dharshini Sivabalan


Prologue:

Dear you,

The wrinkled pages in my notebook are tired of hearing about you,

But when we left that park, I left a thousand words unsaid,

While all you left me was a foggy card,

I have worn my heart out trying to make any sense of it,

So, here is the closure we never found since the start,

Part 1 - The loveliest dead rose

I am sitting by the park where we used to sit,

As the miry mud echoes the thunder,

I hear your footsteps but I don't look up,

I know what is coming, I have seen it all along,

You hand me the dead rose, I don't take it from you,

But you place it on our bench anyways and rush out without looking back.


Part 2 – Tears of dichotomy

This time you use the gate,

Because we aren't there at 4am to jump over the fence with that peppy grin consuming our faces,

This time you don't sit with me on the bench,

Because we aren't here at 4am,

To talk about life and fit our hands into each other, learning how it feels, learning how to feel,

This time you don’t drive to our park in your cycle,

Because we aren’t sneaking out of our houses,

Plus, you have more than just one soul to bring with you,

This time we don't walk around the park holding hands,

Because we aren't here at 4am,

To quietly watch the sunrise, and just sit in silence,

Hearing the wind whisper all the words we left unsaid.




Part 3 – A tree ruled dead from your heart, blooms pretty yellow flowers

Sitting on our velvet bench, I watch you leave

Coloured in sepia,

As you hurry back to your car where her brown eyes search for you anxiously,

Fingers tugging at the shiny bracelet hugging her hand,

You see that she is afraid too,

Afraid my robbery will be successful this time,

That I would say the perfect words to make you want back the time when you were mine.

Platonic love, that's what we called us,

But she still can't afford to lose you twice.


You get back to the car, your lips languid for a moment,

She eyes you and a soft smile corrupts her face,

You cast a look at her and your lips gain back their motility

You can't help but let her smile paint you the happiest shade of blue,

You put your hand in hers and tell her the bad parts are over, done and dusted, my love

Her face turns calm, terrifyingly loving as you plant a kiss on her lips,

You drive her back home to your studio apartment,

You sit down with her as she asks you if you are doing okay,

You give her the most truthful nod and your heart smiles, not a pinch of lie lying anywhere,

Dinner unfolds like a ritual in your lives now,

A ritual you have skipped conveniently for all these years,

But second chances work perfectly,

If not for everyone, for you.








Part 4 – Love isn’t buried in graveyards; it stays safe and sound in locked storehouses

I think back to us and I realise,

During all the 4am’s with me she wasn't on your mind,

But when life happened to cross your paths again,

She was suddenly everything that's on your mind,

And to see you that happy softens my heart,

But it also breaks me as I realize I can't be that one for you anymore,

She is here and you are there for her,

Perfectly in sync again, even after being on the other side of the ocean for years,

I chuckle as it hits me,

I guess it's true that you can never fall out of love,

I chuckle as it hits me again, this time salty pearls move out from my eyes and dress the wooden floor,

Because I can never fall out of love with you,

But you found love greater than mine this time,

You found love that came back stronger and wiser,

But yet I wonder, if there is a part of you that still cares for us.



Part 5 – The box of things of you stole from me


Remember that one time I thought there was a chance you would completely forget me,

As time would cast its puzzled spells on us,

But you looked me in the eye, and I drowned in your navy blue,

You held my hand tightly, told me that it was the greatest lie you could ever dream of,

Then you pulled me into a hug and said you would never leave us behind,

I trusted you right there, all at once, completely, without the blink of an eye,

As you wrapped me in your arms,

I wrapped all my love and left them in your heart,

I gave you my soul in a heartbeat,

But little did I know you would take all that and more from me.



Part 5 – I haven’t gotten over us, entirely. Because…

I would be lying if I said I won't trust you again,

If life ever uncrosses your path with her

And you find yourself in my arms again,

I know I should not take you in,

But I would because,

I trusted you then and I trust you now,

I have no idea how you earn it,

Just after I remind myself that your words will only ever be words strung out in the air,

That they will never scratch the surface of our reality,

Wait let me rephrase that,

My reality, and the world you built for me,

A world that looks like a home

A home that looks enticingly splendid and perfect from the outside,

With all its bright colours and promising outlook.

I open the door hopelessly in love only to find out that there is nothing inside.


Part 6 – I hate to end on a sad note, but…

As I sit there by our bench,

The heavy downpour rains with so much agony,

It begins to collision the tainted pink on the petals of the dead rose with the red cement of the bench,

I realise I am just too scared,

Like a virus, I am too afraid,

To survive without love to lead me home, to keep me alive

But unlike the virus, I don't mean to destroy love,

The twisted fate switches roles so that it's the love that destroys me.


Epilogue:

I was only able to move my pen and think of all these words when I moved you out of my heart.

I don’t wish you never crossed my eye anymore,

Not a tinge of lie lying anywhere in my heart,

Thank you for driving me home when I was curled up in the passenger seat,

Thank you for holding my hand when I was too tired to let you know how I feel,

Thank you for wrapping me in your arms when I fell apart,

But most of all, thank you for perfectly breaking my heart,

For making me realise that love, in fact, is not just a manic fall.


By Dharshini Sivabalan





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