Letter To My Rejected Romeos

By Nyoikhaw Pansa

Sometimes, I wonder,

wonder if I'm wrong for never surrendering to love,

for keeping my heart untouched,

for denying us the chance to bloom.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm doing it right,

turning down every hand that reaches for mine.

Waiting for that one love,

who'd be mine, truly mine,

for a lifetime.

You might call me distant,

cold as unlit stars,

playing hard to get,

maybe even cruel.

But I never wanted to mislead you,

never wished to feed you false hope.

So I shut every open door before you could step inside,

spoke in riddles, let silence grow.

Acted like I never saw your messages and calls,

hoping you'd get tired and fade away.

(but you, oh, you were relentless)

I had to let the silent tide take us apart

before you fell too deep.

Because I couldn't see us together in our fate.

Because I fear love, knowing it fades.

Because when I fall, it's all or nothing.

And if I ever say yes,

it will be for eternity.

I want to be yours, your true one,

and have you be mine.

(am I foolish to still believe in such love?)

But we were carved from different stories,

written in separate scripts,

meant to collide, only to shatter apart.

So, dear, that's why,

I let the wall build up between us.

That's why I turned away,

before you could take another step.

I couldn't ask you to stay friends,

not when I knew how you felt.

So I became unreachable, unreadable 

and ruthless in silence.

I'll never know how deep your love truly ran,

or if every word you breathed was real.

But when you asked for a chance,

for taking care of me and said,

“Promise, I'll make you happy.”

I won't lie,

It did manage to plant a seed of feeling 

at the corner of my heart.

Still, I couldn't let you see a single flicker 

of hope,

of maybe,

of someday,

of you and me becoming us.

So I let the silent drift pull us apart 

before it became too late.

Now, years have passed.

I see you grinning beside your beloved,

in photos, videos,

through the screen.

She's radiant, she's joyful,

and you,

you look happy.

You must be happy.

You found a love meant for you,

and I wish you your fairy-tale ending,

a love that lasts a lifetime.

As for me…

I still wait.

Still whisper to the wind, to the moon,

wondering if the love I dream of

will ever find its way to me. 

By Nyoikhaw Pansa