Lesson

By Jeeva Jijo

I told myself, more than enough times.

I’m done with writing poems about you.

But then again, you are making me a liar,

You make me feel like a hypocrite, more-

Damage to my brain, even after you left.

I still don’t know if-

You still think of me, if-

I still matter to you, at least-

As a human being, it is-

Okay if not like, 

A part which was yours,

I don’t know if-

I’m still a human to you.

But you still do, you’re-

Not one I still love, true-

But I can’t pretend like-

You never existed, when I-

Pass you by, when I-

Hear your name, when I-

See you there, you are-

More than a mere human to me.

Again, I blame everything but me.

Why do I keep calling your name, why-

Can’t my heart just stay still, I know-

I’m being arrogant to myself, how can’t I?

I see you everywhere, but near.

I can’t blame you wholly, it’s true-

We left each other, we both did.

I will find more excuses, and more-

Situations to blame, but me, I will do it. 

Knew it won’t be any easy, but-

This was the least I could do for myself.

I was always the victim, but you-

You, feigned impuissance, I was-

Also the inferior one, you-

So higher, though near, never mine.

Am I hurting? I know you won’t-

Bother even to look at me, but-

If you ask me, even once, I’ll say-

I am not aware. I won’t know.

I think I’m not.

The several lines I’m writing of you-

The pages you turns and shows to your-

Loved ones, so proud that I wrote about you,

And making me a fool out of myself, and my words.

You will do it again, even if no one else saw-

You will see it, and will know it-

Who you are, I wrote down on my paper, and-

You will show it to your loved ones-

Like it’s a thing to be proud about-

How you burned the bridge between us.

But you can see it too, there-

Is no pain in my words unlike the last time-

No trace of sorrow in my lines-

You sincerely make my heart ache-

Or beat no longer.

Even if I try not be self-centred, I-

Fail happily, this time, I don’t-

Regret the love I gave you, you-

Won’t hurt me, regardless how far you are.

Sometimes I wonder, you-

Might think of me too, that-

I broke you into pieces and-

Threw you to the lakes, I-

Hope you remember that-

It was you, who let go off my hand-

Every time, every single time, and-

Finally it was me, who dared not to-

Go back to you, crawling through the mud.

When you pushed aside my tears-

You never thought that they’d-

Backfire as dark and shadowed ink,

As sharp and piercing signs.

Never have I ever knew, that-

You were meant to be a lesson, 

Nothing more, nothing less.

A lesson, I can write about.

I will write of you again, if I am to-

But you never bring pain anymore-

You never manifest shame anymore-

You were meant to be a lesson, everything-

Around me resembles you and the memories-

You were afraid to give me, you are not the-

Definition of heartbreak any longer.

You are just a mere human to me, a-

Lesson I have learned for me.

By Jeeva Jijo