Leaving Him And Still Loving

By Anagha K S

Oh the past, it haunted me,

Oh the past, it wanted me dead,

Oh the past, tormented me,

Oh the past, it wanted me dead…. (I’m still here by Sia playing)

The night was cozy. The city was all lit in colours of life. Ah.! Blissfull….

I took the phone out of my pocket, just to make sure its off. Dare not to miss the scene with that life support system. You know sometimes it sucks.

Its been 3 months I left home, where I don’t feel home at all. Actually when was it ever my home. It was always Akhil’s. The home resonates with him more than it ever could . Akhil was everything. He was the soul; he was the stem. Amma always used to say mistakes are not the imperfections that you dwell over someone; it should be the innocent faults that is imminent in someone; you should not ever prioritize love over dignity. I took time to realise it but its ok. I am okay. I should be.

Human beings are a product of their thoughts. Being such it was too hard for me to always reciprocate with his thoughts. I had this thought that we deserve someone better. Both of us were suffering in this relationship of which the worst part being the reaction of our family. That too ended well, settled amicably and parted ways peacefully. This is my story , Anamika divorcee @ 25.

My marriage was at the age of 24. I was preparing for my post graduation plus ardently hunting down jobs just to escape from the … you know… the usual either you marry a guy, or get a job,, or go for coaching … the pressure a person undergo after graduation is fathomless. Home is peace turns out a dream those days. A horror dream. By being a girl you make it even worse. The proposal came via some website and our first meeting was totally unexpected. I still remember the day we first saw each other. I really wanna call it love at first sight now. I was mesmerized by his eyes. And then his talks. He has a nonchalantic way of using words around people. And he is very concerned when it comes to meeting people. He attracted me; like a spell cast on me. We got enough time to get to know each other , exchanged thoughts and ideas, quarrelled a lot … but we thought we could make it happen, continue it for a lifetime. But we were wrong ,, or rather we were not that ideal couple for each other.

After the primi stage of newly weds we struggled a lot to grab each other or were losing the grip day by day. Individually both of us were kind humans, compassionate to other beings, but something lacked in our relationship. We tried to talk it out only to end in arguments. i was the egoistic person ,, he was always the comeback er to mend things right. Even that was a problem for us.

You should seek people who seek you. Otherwise life would turn out to be adjustments everywhere. Now after we have parted ways I realise its better to accept rather adjust. To accept someone you have to wholeheartedly love them and never give up on them so easily. This was what lacked in us. It was hard to let him go. I thought I would never be able to feel all myself after we parted. There was love between us. But respect, consideration to each others feelings, emotional availability and vulnerabilities, companionship and caring are all aspects of love that’s needed in a relationship. Even when love was there we lost the respect to the love we had.

As I sat here now, I see how much miserable humans are. I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss his way of holding me in his arms. I miss the me when I am with him, the happy me. Divorces are better than dead daughters. I do accept the very idea behind that. Ah… living the somewhat shattered life where someone could not relive the moments shared together without the presence of each other.. I don’t know how I explain that.. its hard. Walking away was a decision taken together. But sometimes I wish was it a bit more. Couldn’t we opted any other way out. What if he thinks the same. What if he is thinking of me right now. See how life encounter the way people feel for each other in weird circumstances. Leaving each other is choice. When it comes to people choosing thus just for the sake of the other, to not hurt them more ….. what should we name it.

He was my choice. He was my first. He was my love. Leaving him was my choice too. Just because we couldn’t hurt more … we let the veil down.

This was one of my dream. The apartment we chased down in heart of “queen of Arabian sea”. Its kind of a souvenir. This is my new life. Where I start all alone to heal. To chase. To get some flow.

Choosing between what you like and love is difficult. But let me be honest, you will only like what you love and love only what you like. Its hard but worth living.

p.s. I miss him.

By Anagha K S