Layers Of Conciousness

By Benita Patnaik

The gorge below the swaying bridge looked terrifyingly narrow; if I did fall, I would be crushed into smithereens in seconds. I was sure that gravity and momentum would not let me fall into the thin rivulet that formed this crevice between the gigantic mountains. The sun was just peeping from behind the peaks and the snow covered apex glowed golden. I was right in the middle of the rope bridge but could see the other end clearly. The rope seemed a little frayed from this angle. I held on either side of me in a firm grip; in case it snapped at the other end I could hang on; negating the fact that I would swing down and be smashed against the rocks anyway.

I heard a faraway rumble.

“Could that be an avalanche on the way”, I thought, terror gripping and squeezing my throat and heart.

Then I espied the hooded figure at the other end, carefully working on the frayed edges of the rope… deliberate and slow, those hands held a shining blade and from time to time the figure looked up at me, the sun glinting off the mirrored surface of the dark glasses.

I started walking back, turning now and then to look back; relentlessly the hands moved in unison with the bobbing head. Another twenty feet I would be back on the ledge, I tried moving faster.

Whoosh! I felt the cold wind whip through my body, and I hung mid-air; the soft heather growing on the rocks cushioned my dash. I was alive but barely so….

As usual, I woke up drenched in sweat; as usual, I remembered every detail of the dream that preceded this daily routine.

Six months is a long time to have recurring dreams. Albeit they were in different circumstances, but the underlying thread of terror, fear and imminent death always woke me. Sometimes it was the sea, sometimes the mountains, sometimes I was in a runaway train or a spiralling plane but the emotions that I experienced were the same.

I had not told anyone about the dreams. But these days I was terrified of falling asleep. I avoided going to bed. But every day without fail, I fell into deep somnolence.

I am an average thirty year old man. My parents were relatively young and still busy with their own lives and with my younger sister, who was still a dependent. I had a steady job as a sous chef in a five star hotel. I had been quite a Casanova as a young student and even during my internship I had dated almost every available female. At present I am single; do not get much time to entertain or be entertained. I was seriously considering going on a night shift so that I did not fall asleep.

“Come in Arvind” said my boss when he saw me hesitating outside his cabin.

Suresh Kalra was more my friend than my boss. He was about five years older than me and had taken me under his wings the moment I had done my internship in the hotel.

“Hi Suresh!”, I walked in, a trifle subdued.

“What is it?”, asked Suresh concern threading his voice, “something bothering you?”.

Then the anxiety and stress of the last six month tumbled out in leaps and bounds; the flood gates were opened, and I spoke without restraint.

“Was there any incident that triggered this?”, asked Suresh.

I threw my mind back to forage for any data that I had not rummaged through already.

I had gone for a party in Avantika’s house. She was my colleague and had just got a new job somewhere in the USA. It was a congratulatory cum farewell party. The usual crowd thronged the room, and everyone was talking shop….

“Arvind come meet my dearest friend”, I turned round to face Avantika, along with her was a vision of loveliness.

Accosted with a form sheathed in green sequins, I had not found a way to avoid Avantika’s constant matchmaking. I looked into a pair of carefully made up green eyes.

“Nayana, this is Arvind, the most eligible bachelor in town”, Avantika said jocosely, “Arvind, this is Nayana the most beautiful creature in the world!”.

“Are they real?”, I blurted out.

“What?”, Nayana asked, withdrawing the hand that she had put forward to shake.

“Your eyes?”, I bumbled.

“I told you, didn’t I, that he has the best pickup lines!”, Avantika said, looking at Nayana.

“I will leave you both to get to know each other”, so saying Avantika left us.

Nayana was tall; I could look deep into her eyes; her pupils were fathomless and mesmerising.

“Hello”, Nayana’s voice was husky, “They are real! I was born with them”.

The night was over before I knew it.

“Did you sleep with her?”, Suresh asked directly.

“I don’t know; I have no memory of what happened after the fourth drink! All I remember is I woke up in a strange hotel room!”, I said bewildered.

“Then…?”, asked Suresh curiously.

“Then what?”, I asked a trifle irritated.

“How did you go out and return? What did the Hotel tell you?”, Suresh asked impatiently.

“That was strange too. The room was booked in my name; they said I had booked it online and showed me the receipt. It had been paid for too!”, I said this in a rush.

“And you do not remember any of this?”, Suresh prodded.

“No I don’t!”, I exclaimed.

“Did you not try and find out anything?”, Suresh continued.

“The first month I did try to get in touch with Avantika; she had left without a forwarding address. I did not even know Nayana’s last name! I tried searching for her on social media, even paid a detective to find her but to no avail”, the frustration creeping into my voice made Suresh raise his eyebrows.

“ Somehow your meeting with Nayana is connected with your dreams”, Suresh said drumming his fingers on the table, “maybe you should go under hypnosis to find out what happened that night”.

“Don’t believe in it”, I said shortly.

“You have nothing to lose”, Suresh said quietly.

“Except my mind…”, I agreed,” Do you know anyone who can work on me?”.

“Yes, I do know a professional who calls himself by the name “Search””, Suresh said quietly, “You remember when Madhu and I lost our son when he was five months old?”.

I nodded sympathetically.

“Madhu went through a bad patch and he helped her through hypnosis”, Suresh had stopped drumming his fingers, “I too went under therapy”.

“And..?”, I asked.

“We both got a closure and now we have the twins!”, Suresh said very quietly.

I walked into the airconditioned precinct of Dr. SEARCH. It was as if I walked into another level of existence. There was no reception desk. The entrance room was subtly lit, a sofa set crowded on to a pale carpet right in the middle without a central table, though a couple of side tables were there at arm’s reach. On one corner of the room a doorway led to an ante room . I walked in and saw that it was equipped with a water dispenser. I walked out confused.

“Where would the Doctor meet me?”, I mused.

I was ten minutes early for the appointment. Thinking someone would usher me somewhere after ten minutes, I gingerly sat down on the sofa. I then picked up the magazine lying on the side table. It was a photography coffee table magazine and I started flipping through it nervously.

The wall in front of me slid open to expose another empty but beautifully done up space. I rose to meet Dr. SEARCH. He was tall with a thatch of grey hair; he could easily be mistaken for a model for one of the Raymond Suits advertisements.

He motioned me to follow him into that space. The wall silently closed behind me and as suggested, I sat across a table in front of the Doctor.

“Talk”, the doctor urged.

“What about?”, I asked bewildered.

“What has made you come to me”, he said shortly.

I began my narration while he sat in front of me with his palms joined and eyes closed.

“Arvind, thank you for your faith in me”, he said in a deep baritone, “I shall take you on a journey today. I shall then take stock of all the information that you give me and only then I can decide how many more journeys we need to take. You will be my eyes and ears on this journey for I shall not be with you. Are you ready?”.

My eyes must have shown fear, for he assured me, “Do not worry, no harm will befall you but be prepared that you might be uncomfortable in certain situations. But you need to have complete faith and trust in my ability, otherwise we cannot do this”.

I removed my shoes, laid down on the couch and he sat beside me. A soft music seeped in from somewhere and I looked into the doctors piercing brown eyes and my journey began.

The strangest thing about this strange journey is that it began with a word. The word “Search”.

Normally we begin a journey on a quest of discovery and pleasure but mine was to search.

I am dressed like a warrior; I am tall and well-built with black unruly hair. I am in the middle of a dense forest, beside me is my loyal horse. I see a small rivulet and walk towards it, leading my horse. The sun is in the setting mode and its golden rays illuminate the water surface. I hear the rustle of the leaves and look around. I see no one, but I do hear the chirping of the birds as they return home and the soft gurgle of the waterfall that feeds the rivulet. My horse and I drink thirstily, I unpack the food wrapped in banana leaves and assuage my hunger.

“Would you like a place to rest in O’ Commander?”, I turn round swiftly and come face to face with Nayana. But she is dressed in a thin muslin white sari draped around her, her bare shoulders glisten with oil, her hair is long and left loose with a wildflower tucked over her ears.

“Yes, I do”, I say this with force, “isn’t this area good enough to set up camp?”.

She and I speak in the same language; it is not some language I know but in that scene I do understand.

“No sir, this is a drinking hole of wild animals, they will come in hordes very soon and destroy your camp. I have a small hut close by, you can spend the night there”, She invited with a smile on her luscious lips.

Entranced I follow her.

I woke up to find the doctor taking notes and speaking into a Dictaphone.

“This is very promising”, he said, “You have regressed into one of your past lives; most probably into a B.C. era; we will need to go on another journey whenever you are ready”.

“But Doctor I need to know what happened that night!”, I said this with force.

“I have hopes that you will. The mind is a maze of roads; I am the navigator with a blindfold; there will be hits and misses but ultimately I will find what you seek”, the doctor assured me.

I felt exhausted but I knew I would be back. I went back to him once every three days for three weeks. Each session took me on a new journey. I regressed into one, sometimes more than that of my multiple lives that I have been on this earth. The doctor was keeping a journal on my various forays and when I tried reading them, they were more specific and descriptive than what I remembered after each session. During my many regressions, I met Suresh multiple times as a teacher or a guide; I met my parents and my sister once or twice. But after the first escapade I still had not met Nayana, neither had I been able to experience the blank night when I had met her in this life.

I decided that after this session I would take a holiday and go to my favourite place – the mountains.

I am stealthily climbing the palace walls, the rope is sturdily connected with the anchor resting on the windowsill, Nayana is looking down at me anxiously as I clamber up towards her. Soon I am inside her room; in moments we are in the throes of passion and soon I lie back exhausted on the bed and look at a sleeping Nayana. Suddenly the door crashes open and a wild eyed royal stands in front of me with a sword in his hand. I arise instinctively and pick up Nayana as a human shield, just as the sword slices into her…….

The doctor is nodding his head as he continues to make notes.

“Not today either?”, I question him tiredly.

“Do you have the energy to go into another session?”, he asks softly, “I feel as if I am close, very close…”

“I am free the whole day, if you want, I am ready”, I said as his excitement crept into me.

Nayana and I are standing in the balcony in Avantika’s house. The stars are out, it is a moonless night; there is a soft wind blowing.

“Do you remember the last time we met?”, Nayana’s green eyes sparkled at some long forgotten memory.

Puzzled, I asked, “Met? This is the first time we are meeting!”.

She looked at me with pity, “I forgot you are stuck in this level and cannot remember our meetings!”.

“Really Nayana! Is this some new pickup line?”, I asked sarcastically.

She was standing very close to me; I could smell her floral scent and the alcohol in her breath. Slowly her arms came up and she cupped my face between her palms and her lips fastened on me. I could feel the coldness of her sequined dress and the moisture in her palms that held my face imprisoned. Her kiss was long and deep, but instead of arousing me , I shrunk inside, realising this, she let my face go.

“You don’t remember but you are still the same!”, she said disgustedly.

Avantika came out and said, “Arvind! Are you trying to seduce my friend?”

“Not exactly! it is the other way round”, laughed out Nayana.

I drank two glasses of whiskey in quick succession, that I felt dizzy.

I was coming out of my trance…. The doctor was saying, “Arvind go back! We must find out what happened… Go inside the maze again….”

I felt spent as I woke up in the hotel room. Nayana was standing naked and looking down at me.

“At last I fulfilled my desire”, she said licking her lips, “Now is punishment time”.

Disoriented I looked at her mutely.

“Remember how you let me die a painful death? The sword that sliced me did not kill me; he kept me alive and suffering till my maid took pity on me and gave me poison to end my suffering”, Nayana said all this with relish.

“I suffered not only physically but mentally too your betrayal left me unsated! Now I am fully satisfied, and you will get what you gave me soon enough. Farewell we will meet on the other side again and again!”

With all this she slithered into her sheath and walked out of the room….

“Now I know what happened, but will this stop my recurring nightmares?”, I asked the doctor.

“I don’t know, we will wait and see”, the doctor said calmly.

The fresh mountain air did a lot for me. I had not dreamt for the last two days that I had been on my holiday. Today, I had asked my guide not to accompany me. I decided to trek up to thirteen thousand feet. Waking up very early as dawn began her ascent, I left the camp and reached this point and before I knew it, I was on the bridge looking at the most spectacular sunrise ever.

Then came the rumble and I espied a hooded figure with a lighter, bending down to light a fuse……….

I knew then that my search was at an end, the journey which began with ‘search’ would finally culminate in unconsciousness.

By Benita Patnaik