It Hurts To Love

By Sabira Kaur

All good guys are not good. And all bad guys are not bad. Mistaken by thousands of people, ignored by family, bullied by friends, outcast by society, and yet I am a disgrace. Hurt and betrayed, and yet I am wrong. Alone and miserable, and yet I am a menace to living. I hurt society’s fragile little ego, so I was put aside and exiled forever. All it took was those 3 minutes to disregard my 23 years of existence, to label me as the antagonist of their story.

All I did was exist, all I did was love, all I did was try. But I was never good enough. Not good enough for her. Never good enough for her. I only poked their tiny undeserving hearts, with my pointed blade, I only made them bleed, I only made them feel what they needed to. Why am I wrong? I only gave their love story a perfect end, I only made them the Romeo and Juliet of the 21st century.

They left me, they always leave me, am I not worthy enough for them to stay, or even just for her to? She left, to be with him, he who doesn’t even care for her like I do, he who doesn't even love her like I do, he who doesn't deserve her.

They only know what’s shown but I knew that Arlo hurt her, he made her cry, he wasn't who she was meant to be with. So, I did what any sane person would do, gave them the perfect end. I gave her my whole life, the least she could do was give me her final moments.

Now if he lands in the down under and she lands with the lord that is not my fault, I- i would have given her everything, but I couldn’t. Aroha didn’t let me. I would’ve burned down the world if she had asked me to.

She was a queen without a castle, a leader without an army when I met her, but I gave everything I had to make her a castle and tore away parts of myself to find her an army. I darkened myself to make her light shine brighter. I couldn't care about the entire world even if I tried, but the only thing I wonder is if she ever thought about me, if she ever cared enough to care.

The world hates me, and I've learned to hate it. I am the only monster for them, and even still I can't help but have the urge to yell and scream and show the pain and the scars that love left behind, the cuts that have faded down to bruises and an empty soul. The hurt that rottened my brain and froze my heart, is one I make sure to remind myself of and relive simply because I know I deserve it. I hated him so I ended his existence, I loved her so I ended her heart.

Arlo will be forgotten and lost as a memory, he will remain between two hills, but Aroha will always remain what she means, love, she will always stay in the hearts of the people. She will always stay with me.

I'm alone. They think I’m crazy, but I swear I killed them, no one believes me, but why not, I am Keir, I am dark, and black, why don't they believe me? Why don’t they lock me up? I hurt her, I killed her, I saw the blood seeping out and the life and light being drained out of her. I stabbed the knife in him, I shattered his heart like she did mine for him. I did. So why aren't they putting me in a straitjacket and hiding me away from the public?

Why do they point me out and stare at me, but don't do anything about HOW I KILLED THEM, WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO? I am broken, I am worthless, people hate me. They hate me so much I don't exist. I am alone, I am damaged, I hate myself.

Monophobia- fear of being alone. All because they gave up too fast, because they didn't try hard enough, they left as well. Is it wrong to hope that they come back, that I don’t remain the abandoned son that could never be capable of love.

I was endowed with the spell of life, but hid away from the gift of love. I was shown how to breathe, but the gift of air was taken away.

Am I the only bad guy? Or am I a victim as well?

Aroha was my only family. She was all I ever had. When your parents decide to leave you on the streets as an 11-year-old boy, you learn to survive, not live. You learn to make do because you don’t have many options, but that's just it. She was it. She was my saviour, she was my flashlight in my creepy old basement, she was the sun that made my moon shine, it was always her light that reflected on me. When she left, I turned back to who I was meant to be. She ruined me.

It has been 7 months, 3 days, 6 hours since she left me for him, and 3 days, 2 hours and 1 minute since I made her disappear forever, since I made either the best or the worst decision of my entity. It hurts to know I live in a world without her, it hurts to know that I won't be able to make more memories with her, and it hurts to know that the old ones are now tarnished with the act of me killing her, despite it being for her own good.

But it helps to yield the knowledge that she can't be hurt, she can’t be touched, and she will remain with only me.

I kept her safe for as long as she was with me, I held her when she cried, I loved her when she was sad, I did everything to hide her from pain, I did everything to make her living as colourful and bright as I could.

So, I wonder why she didn't do the same?

By Sabira Kaur