I Want To Write Love Poems

By Tamanna Yousuf

I want to write love poems,

but all that comes out of me is hollow screams.

noise. dizziness. voiceless stupor.

I want to write love poems,

but instead of thinking of you, my mind takes me back to the same echoing box it never leaves.

love is a distraction, it says.

something to keep you from killing yourself.

something to make you feel life is significant.

love is why you live, no?

love is why you want to stay alive.

I want to write love poems,

and I think of all my friends.

if it's love saving me from death, they're my muse.

I want to write love poems,

and I distance myself from everything I know love is.

overwhelming fear of them wanting me dead too.

I want to write love poems,

but my brain never shuts up about me.

about how others perceive me.

you're not as good as you think, it says.

you never were, you never will be, it says.

and I lie down in defiance,

blocking its calls to lift a knife, push my head through the glass cabinet, engulfing my mom's bottle of anxiety pills.

I lie down in defiance.

I want to write love poems,

but I think too much of my end.

maybe that's my love story.

waiting, waiting, waiting,

like any other lover,

and then throwing my arms into the void of oblivion.

maybe that's my love poem.

By Tamanna Yousuf