“I Don’t Cry Anymore”

By Parizad Gaur

I remember those tremendous times when my pale face would flush with heat, 

And my eyes burst out a tsunami of tears, huge flares of water all over me, 

I was always known as the “crybaby”, the one who had her mother tightly closed off to,

Trying to quiet her in public, by the corner, sticking a pacifier in her mouth, or by rubbing the back gently, 

Years passed, and  as a teenager I had used crying as a way of release, something I know which was dear to me,

Something which I had right next to me. 

Oh, I watched “The Shawshank Redemption”, oh the ending made me cry, when Andy finally swims out of the prison, through the sewers, 

Oh, I saw a dead bird, I cried, 

Oh, my mother shouted at me, and I cried, 

Oh, I saw my father’s miserable and disappointed face in the evening, all covered by his sweat, Oh I cried.

Oh, my brother gave my mother a tough time, I cried, 

Oh, the only person I dearly loved, couldn’t stay in my life

Oh… I cried. 

I made mistakes, and I cried 

I have just cried. 

Crying was an escape; it felt like a small bubble being burst out of my head, 

I have felt alive and so much human, knowing that I can express despair so easily 

Which many people struggle with. 

But… since the past few weeks…

It just feels like…

I’ve lost this power, 

I don't cry anymore 

I feel an ache in my heart,

But the eyes don't water, the throat doesn’t get itchy, the stomach doesn’t growl, 

The nose doesn’t scrunch 

Maybe it's because 

Now I realise that crying has never helped 

It has always just closed what pains, 

But because it hurts so much, 

I'm becoming numb

Should I regret it or celebrate it?

I wish I could cry about it

But I know that I don't cry anymore….

By Parizad Gaur