I can be saved, I just don't want to be

By Anansha Almyan

If there’s one thing I’m gonna do,

It’s break my own heart until it’s shattered enough to never heal,

It’s drain out all I have until there’s nothing left to love,

I say I ache for help,

I say I ache to be saved,

But I run even at the sight of a extending hand,

I cut myself into pieces and salt my own wounds just so I can screech louder for comfort I’ll discard shamelessly,

I don’t wail for help until there’s no way out,

Then I cry salvation knowing I wouldn’t accept it even if it was at my feet begging to save me,

If there’s one I know,

I turn everything beautiful to a bitter memory,

My hollow heart turns every kindness into regret,

They say love can be something magnificent but I won’t let it,

So I do the only thing I’ve ever known even if it’s her,

She says she loves me and all I hear is the blade sharpening waiting to tear me apart;

She holds me with warmth in her chest, with tenderness in her eyes, with sweetness in her mouth, with devotion in her voice, with endearment in her promises and all I see is the devil waiting to gut me;

She looks at me like she’ll save me and I laugh because it doesn’t even matter,

Being saved is easy when you want to be saved,

But how can I be when my mind doesn’t even allow it,

How do I save myself from this stiffening spiral when all I know is to go even further down,

How do you save yourself when you’re the suffocating spiral?

When you’re the threatening weapon?

How do you save yourself when you yourself are the relentless devil?

By Anansha Almyan