How Blue Is My Sapphire !

By Deepmala James

I was relentlessly lying on my bed, when 'Jino' my pet rabbit crept into my arms. I cradled him tight to make him feel the warmth of my caresses. We were the only members in our small, oddly built ancient house, which was the last treasure of my parents for me. I felt the cold air from the window hitting my cheeks. My eyes were struggling to keep its lids open, yet a deep thought had enchanted me. My life wouldn't be the same from the following day. Having lost my parents two decades ago, I was nurtured by a missionary orphanage till age. The sparks of my wit , had always amazed the people around me and it paved a path for me to gain a scholarship for my higher studies. Right from my high school, I had aspired to be an IAS officer and it was perhaps the enduring blessings of the Almighty, the remnant of love of my parents and unfailing support of my well wishers, I succumbed to place my name in the short listed candidates' list for the final interview phase of the Indian civil service examinations, 2016. Violent storms rose in my mind imagining the stern and blunted faces of the interviewers and the tsunamic questions they would be thrusting at me. Deciding not to predict the stars before hand, I gulped down a glass of water and rested my twin cameras and the weary body, that had been functioning the day long. My morning alarm was a mixed accenture of the nokia tune of my humanophilic device and the soft biting of Jino on my toes. I opened my eyes and took hold of him, realizing that he had gone a bit more handsome than the time I had found him as a small kid, under a tree, beside the meadow, near my dwelling. I placed a gentle kiss and talked to him softly as if asking him to wish me an 'All the best ' for the happenings of the day. I then rushed to finish my morning tit-bits and was off to the centre of interview. My hands shivered as I held the interview letter. I examined the address once again on the envelope ( perhaps the 50th time ) which read :

LETTER FOR THE INTERVIEW PHASE OF UPSC EXAMINATIONS 2016 -

Name of the candidate - Jennifer Paul Date of interview - 02.05.2016 Time - 10 a.m Venue - UPSC Bhavan, Shahjahan Road, UPSC Mansingh road area, New Delhi.

The place was at a distance of 15 kilometres from my home, it means it would take around forty five minutes. I took an auto and reached the place half an hour before the stipulated time to find some of the most talented scholars of the country , who have out numbered others in the population of about 1.2 billion, to reach the final round of the country's most prestigious yet the toughest exam to be called “Sahebs” ( an Indian accent for the IAS officers). And of course some where deep within I too was elated for being one among them. I took my seat in the waiting hall beside the interviewing cubicle. My confidence shattered every time I saw a smarter candidate leaving the room. The door of the waiting hall opened the 'n'th time . "Miss Jennifer Paul" a man in khaki uniform called out. A feeling of mixed emotions emerged and engulfed me like a wild fire . My eyes closed spontaneously with a sense of thanking "the most high". I opened my eyes, gulped a large bolus of saliva and made my way in. It took less than a minute to reach the questioning area from the exit of the waiting hall. I greeted the two interviewers who nodded their head in response. I was pointed to take my seat by the gentleman who was accompanied by a lady, almost in her forties. The gentleman had a smirk on his face, with his right hand on air, gesturing to explain something alien. The lines on his forehead gave a clear indication of him being a very learned man. The lady on the other hand had only smiled without any verbal replies and slight nodding of head. After a brief period of discussion, they both turned towards me. I could see a sudden change of their facial expressions like an unpredictable weather in the late monsoons. "Your name ?" Was the next sound in the air uttered by the interrogating lady. " My name is Miss Jennifer Paul, ma'm" "Miss Jennifer, give us a brief description of your self. Will you ?" asked the gentleman. "Of course sir." Came my immediate reply. I started with a short introduction of myself which included , my address, the summary of my educational career and my hobbies and interests. " So, Miss Paul , let us come to the point." Said the lady making her eyes meet with mine. I sensed a strict atmosphere taking its place in the room.

"We will be asking you three questions and your fate will be decided basing on your replies." Saying so, the lady turned towards the gentleman and both of them shifted their gaze towards me. I had always dreaded this situation to which our teachers and mentors had earlier told us about. The interview questions are uncertain and the most addictive phrase that plunged in my mind was ' It can be anything '. The air conditioned room had been provoked by the hypersecretion of my sweat glands. "1st question " the lady started, while I sat with my hands clasped to each other and my body burdened over the chair I was sitting.

"You are posted as a district magistrate. A case of child abuse of a 10 years old girl child had been brought under your notice. What will be your steps as an administrative officer ?? We will give you three minutes to think over and then reply the same." I was numbed at the question being raised. Something within me had been just flickered which laid dormant for years. I tried to visualize the whole situation infront of me. When I imagined the eyes of the child , the innocent, twinkling , grey eyes of the 10 years old Jennifer Paul became a conscious picture. The flashes of me held by the cruel clutches of the man made me feel awful.

It was for a month each year during our stay in the orphanage that we were send to the home of our relatives (if anyone had) to have a break in our routine life. While all other children longed for those days, I would dread the haunting days and nights for the next one month. The man , the son of my mother's distant cousin (as they said) would perform panicking and horrifying acts with me in the absence of his mother. He ferociously fed on me as hungry wolves. His bloody eyes still gives me goosebumps. I would cry for help but in vain. I never said it to anyone as I was too young to understand what was it upto. This continued for 8 years and it was only after my constant reluctance, our warden smelt something fishy and my visits were stopped. The aftermath had a great impact on me. When I understood all about it in my high school, my scores went low. All of a sudden there was a great change in my personality. I remained aloof. The nightmare of the happenings became a part of my every day life. My pillow drenched with the never ending streams of tears and there was no one to whom I could reveal myself to.

"Your three minutes are over Miss Jennifer " I took a long breathe and returned back to my senses. I started. " First of all I would keep this matter a confidential one lest it should be a dangerous threat to the child. I will rehabilitate the child to a safer place. Protect and provide all her rights. And then would file a case against the culprit, making sure after a thorough investigation and strict verdiction he gets the needful punishment." I could see eyes of the interviewers following something they were scribbling on a piece of paper, as they heard my reply. " So we will move on to the second question." Uttered the gentleman, placing his hand on the clean shaved chin. " Yes sir." I responded immediately.

"Miss Jennifer, Its obvious that in near future you will tie the knot with some one. What if your life partner asks you to quit your job due to the rising problems in the family, which he thinks will be resolved only after you have put an end to your professional career ???" The question choked me for a moment. I could feel a paralytic sensation crippling my whole body. "Your three minutes start now, Miss Jennifer." I could hear the words of the lady that seemed just a background voice. For a minute I thought, did these humans infront , journeyed life along with me or is it that they had some supernatural power to read the unconscious part of my brain ! Having completed my studies in the orphanage, I joined the St.Stephen's college for doing the post graduation in Psychology. I was an independent adult then earning my living by some part time jobs. I was handed over the keys of our ancestral house by the director of the orphanage. t was during this juncture, I met Jimmy Stewart, my heartbeat, prized and the only possession in my life. Things went on smoothly until one day when 'Jim' as called by me send me a text over phone to meet at a cafe nearby my home. I thought we would have a final talk about our marriage which he had decided to be after my post graduation. I felt butterflies in my stomach .I reached the place before Jim.

Few minutes later, I saw almighty feature heading towards me. He wore a white t-shirt and a blue jeans which fitted his body appropriately as if the manufacturing company had exclusively stitched it for him. His hairs were neatly brushed and it would take the wind a complete minute to shatter it. I stared at him like never before until I was touched by someone on my left shoulder . He was standing beside me, I glanced at his face which said so many things, but the usual smile and the half grin was missing. We sat by the coffee table and he started, "I want you to quit your job after marriage. It is only then you can devote much of your time to the family." The world around me went dark. His last lines echoed in my ears again and again. I was dumbstruck. After a few minutes of silence, for the next half an hour I had tried him to explain everything. I told him the stories of women in 21st century, how they manage really well both the sides of their life and assured him to be one among them. Nothing had an impact on him and then I took up the courage and said in a stern voice, "Jim, you have kept an option before me to choose either you or my career. Well, both are equally valued by me but I would choose the later." My answer enraged Jim and he went away putting an end to a relationship of three years. We both did not turn up. The last thing was his marriage invitation and a letter along with it which read :

" I am really sorry Jeni. I couldn't understand you. You are really a gem and deserve something better. All the best for your life ahead. Keep going. Love, Jim.

I let the tears come along my pale cheeks with a great moaning and knelt on the floor. I felt the world within me dying. For a few days I kept myself confined to a room. I was then that I realized I had to take a decision either to quit or move on. Since then I submerged myself in the preparations and the result is where I sit today. After the three minutes, with a confident look I replied the jury, " Sir my career and my family life are the two sides of a coin. Both are equally precious to me. So, its before my marriage I would clear these things to my partner and his family, so that there won't be a reason to raise the topic later." saying so I paused. This brought an appealing smile on the lady's face and I must admit it did add to her beauty. Before the third question, I was allowed to drink a glass of water. The natural liquid passed a sense of relief in me as if hydrating an old xerophyte.

The third question was asked by the gentleman and it went as follows "You as an epidemic control officer is posted in a village with a fast spreading disease. You have a single vaccine left with two persons at hand. One a poor villager and second the Village sarpanch. What would you do then?"

A smile occupied the whole arena of my face. Not because I was a part of a situation like this before, neither did I knew any sarpanch nor villager but I had read this question in one the leading reasoning books during my preparations. I knew the answer. " I would send both of them to the doctor. After the health assessment, the one who is at a greater risk of acquiring the disease will be given the vaccine first."

And this is 'the end' , the whole of me declared. Everything seemed tobe coming back to normal. The till then strict interviewers werereturning to their normal chit-chat mode. The lady looked at me andsaid, " Well done young lady.. We hope you get through this phase. Youcan leave now." The gentleman continued nodding his head in a mannerthat he to meant the same. After rendering a formal thanks, I steppedout of the room.

I felt the world around me had completely changed asI came out of the building and headed towards home. That happiness wasdifferent than all till then. Deep down in my heart, I thanked all myparents, well wishers, the inhuman man and of course Jim. Each of themhad a role to play in my life which made me, a stronger me. I didn'tknow whether I would qualify the last round, but I had realized thevalue of each moment in life. And that gave me a sense ofgratification and a real success . The sapphire of my memories hadgone more blue. A voice from inside said " All of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know howto shrug the past. I think that is who I am.."

It was evening when I reached home . I saw Jino pacing

towards me, as if he had already sensed the fragrance of my victory. I

cuddled and kissed him like never before.

By Deepmala James